Utter Crap

B: In case I never see you again, I want to tell you that you are most likely the most generous person on earth.

Me: Well that just ruined the mood.

B: Huh? What the hell type of mood were you talking about?

Me: You know, the whole friend moving away mood that is so utterly depressing it would make even Stone Cold Steve Austin cry. You ruined it by saying I was nice or generous or whatever the crap you said.

B: Oh sorry. Hey, then why aren't you crying?

Me: I'm saving up all my bodily fluids. The news is predicting a drought in the next five years. But know that deep down, if it weren't for that drought I would be shedding some major tears.

B: Uhuh. Yea.

Me: No seriously! I would be like blubbering-- unable to put together sentences-- I would be a puffy eyed mess!

B: Imagining you crying is hideous.

Me: See my point? Now you see my predicament.

B: Thank you for not crying. I don't think I could handle you looking like a complete and puffy mess. I think you look better asleep and incoherent.

Me: Can you say Utter Crap?

B: Utter Crap.

Me: Niiiiiicceee one. But hey, email me k?

B: Alright. I'll look forward to reading more of our PRIVATE conversations online. Also, when you type this up for your blog, make sure you caps the word private.

Me: Will do mon capitan! I'll make sure to blog about you at least once a month, if not more.

B: And I'll make sure to think of you every time I see a teenager drink beer in the Philippines.

Me: Aww that's so sweet! Don't forget to think of me every time you eat a mango, or puke from looking at balut.

B: I promise. I think I should hang up now, you know, so it'll be even worse next time we happen to talk to each other.

Me: Thank bhuddah for the BandAid solution.

B: Amen.