Monday, November 25, 2013

They got to me.

It's no hidden fact that I have an on/off relationship with Tumblr.

Right now it is very much so ON.

So if you'd like to keep up with me, you can find me HERE.  My name is serendipitous-liz.

Monday, October 28, 2013

In which I disclose what a mess I am

Right now I can't even handle my personal life.

Sometimes I wish I could just live at work.  I'm good at my job.  Well, I'm
learning to be good at my job.  There's still a lot that I don't know, but I'm still in my sponge stage and everyday I learn something new.

But then after work. Ugh.

For the most part, from what people tell me, I'm a pretty nice/chill person to be around.  

However when it comes to self discipline/control I'm lacking.  It's
painfully ironic because you'd think all of  my military training would have helped me with that particular quality, but it seems to have only made it worse.  In fact, I think these qualities developed after I joined.

I am very much so living in the present, and it's reflected in how I act and make my decisions.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not balls to the wall crazy, but I embrace spontaneity and doing things because they "feel right/good" at the time.

I don't want to tarnish the "Carpe Diem" mindset, but that's the current philosophy I'm embracing right now.

It's why if I see something I want, and I have the resources to acquire it, I do.

It's why I like going on crazy adventures and getting lost in new environments.

It's why I like pushing my own personal limits and boundaries.

This mindset has, however, contributed to the current mess that I have made
for myself.  I know that I'm in the wrong, and in no way am I contesting that.

The situation has just made it blindingly obvious that I need to reign myself in and try to find my center again, because I am out of equilibrium.

I'm out of control, I messed up, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

A few days ago I caved and bought a record player.  Maybe I'm just trying to fill some void deep inside of me, or maybe I just did because I could.  Either way, it was the best $100 I've ever spent.

I'm addicted.  I love the way the music sounds, the crackling of the record before the music starts, and having to get up to flip to the b-side.  Gah, I could wax philosophical about vinyl all day, but I'll spare you the details.


Friday, October 11, 2013


When I was growing up I missed out on the whole "boy crazy" phase. Sure, I had my crushes, but nothing compared to what most young hetero girls experience. 

I was more interested in books, art, science, and the universe. I was my father's dream daughter. He never had to worry about reigning me in, or locking me away.

Now? I feel like a 12 year old little girl! Flirting, feeling shy, developing mini crushes, wanting to wear dresses all the time and look cute.

It's a bit unprecedented.

My current lifestyle caters excellently to this new craze that has overwhelmed my life.

Boys. Men. Everywhere. And as an added bonus: they're all in uniform.

I'm a hot mess.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

I got some splainin' to do...

I faintly recall some quote by some person that said something along the lines of -life is what happens when you're busy planning- more or less.

That's pretty much what's been happening.  I've neglected everything that was once important to me (writing, reading, sparking random debates) in the name of spontaneity.  Not saying that the aforementioned can't be done in the spur of the moment, but I'm sort of just trying to "find myself", as cliche and hackneyed as that may read.

I've slowly built up a small group of friends who are, although nothing like my friends back home, wonderful.

All of this self discovery was brought on by my recent relationship status of being single.  After a series of small arguments and breaks of trust (come on guys, IT'S NOT COOL to go through someone's phone) my boyfriend and I called it quits.  Technically he broke up with me, and I didn't fight it.  He claims that I cheated on him because I was texting my friends from tech school--- most of those conversations consisting of "Hey, how's it going?"  and "Have fun with celibacy you turd" and "Well, at least your hand will never break your heart."

And while the last two are of course lewd, that's just how I joke around with my friends.

It was better for me that we did, because I've been able to branch out and bond with more people.  I've seen more of California in the past few weeks than I have the entire time I've been here.

My now ex-boyfriend has been relentlessly trying to get back together with me, and it's been exhausting. We've both talked about the flaws in our relationship and while he claims that he's "changed" I'm not convinced.  He told me that he made a mistake dumping me, and he's been really mopey. One night he called me crying so hard, I was afraid to leave him by himself.  However, I refuse to take him back just because I feel bad for him. (also I've made a few posts about this on my Tumblr)

Whenever I'm not trying to dodge my ex-boyfriend's advances I've been watching scary movies (something which RARELY happens), zip-lining, hanging out with fancy people, eating macaroons, buying cute underwear, and working out more.

So yeah, that's been going on.

Saturday, August 10, 2013


I feel like the most massive douchenozzle on the face of the planet.

I've been trying to write this post in my head for a few weeks, and actually physically trying to write it for about an hour, but I just end up erasing everything I try to write because it either sounds too pretentious, or it sounds like I'm trying to justify my obviously horrible behavior.

I'm just going to rip the band-aide off and say why I'm awful:  I think I'm only dating my boyfriend because I'm scared of being alone in a new place by myself.

There.  I admitted it.  And I know that what I am doing is selfish, and could possibly end very badly for the both of us, but I can't bring myself to end things because he's a genuinely nice guy. And I'm also scared of being alone.  

I miss my dog.  I miss my baby brother. I miss the familiarity of my friends from other places.  

My boyfriend is my security blanket.  Being with him just makes everything easier for me.  I feel like I'm just using him. And that in itself, is really awful.

I need to go back home for a little bit to clear my mind.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

July - week 3 & 4

Well, I missed a week, but it was a pretty crazy week.

I went to the Dallas Cowboy's training camp that's held in Oxnard every year, and I was so tired when I got back Sunday night that I forgot to write :P

And work has been pretty hectic--- gotta love making money!  I'll spare you guys the boring details.

Yesterday Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor had a military appreciation day and I got to go to both parks for $40, so that was pretty swell.  I'm scared of rollercoasters, but I always try to make myself ride them.  I don't know why... Maybe this is a small attempt at conquering my fears?

Sunday, July 14, 2013

July - week 2

So, you know how I was complaining about how hard it was to make friends? Well, I went out and made some friends.  And you know what, I OWN my social awkwardness. I got to explore San Luis Obispo, which is a town about 45 minutes away from me.  They have a farmer's market every Thursday, which we were told was very awesome---- So of course I had to check it out.

I went with the people in my FTAC class and bought a bunch of strawberries and other delicious foods. I'm definitely going to go back with my boyfriend next week.  Especially since they had live jazz and Thai food.  I'm all about that.

But yeah.  That was pretty much the highlight of my week.  The military LOVES to powerpoint their troops into oblivion, but I didn't think my FTAC class was too bad.  Now that it's over I'm going to be returning back to my work grind.

I didn't realize it, but my 1 month anniversary with my boyfriend was this weekend and he surprised me with flowers and chocolate.  It was a pleasant surprise because none of my other boyfriends ever made a big deal out of month-aversaries before... I feel really spoiled.

Earlier today we made tye-dye shirts, which are currently in the washer... He got all excited and giddy when we were making them because he's never really done artsy things before.  It was really adorable.  Hopefully I'll remember to put them in the dryer tonight so that they'll be done in the morning :P

Anyway, here's hoping that next week is even more fun!

Sunday, July 7, 2013

July - week 1

Since I've apparently become very awful at blogging on a consistent basis, I've decided to slowly ease myself back into the blogging world by taking things week by week.  Hence, the title!

This week, aside from it containing the fourth of July (I'll spare you all my pictures of fireworks), was filled with many tiny awesome things.  I enjoyed feasting on funnel cake twice, I bought way too many dresses online from Forever 21--- I had to stop myself from buying 3 more today, and I lounged around and got to be lazy because I didn't have to go to work on Thursday or Friday.

In fact, when I'm not at work, I can usually be found lounging around lazily.  There's not much to do on base, and I have, self admittedly, become that girl.  You know, the one that moves to a new place, finds a new boyfriend and spends all of her time hanging out with said boyfriend because it's alarmingly hard to make new friends in the dorms.

The environment here is way more closed off.  I've met a few people here and there, but aside from that, I'm not really friends with anyone.  I don't have any friends to talk to or hang out with, aside from the people that I work with, which sounds really lame.  But of course, I've only been here now for a little over a month, so I should give myself time to make friends, right?  At tech school it was SUPER easy to make friends.  All you had to do was say hello to someone and start a conversation.  Here, everyone is so jaded.  They've been here for so long that they've already established who they want to be friends with and spend their time with.  They know all the cool places to hang out, all the little novelty places in the area, all of which are now rendered boring and lackluster.

Not having a large pool of friends is something that I will have to get used to for now.  And I don't really mind hanging out with my boyfriend all the time.  He's become my best friend because I literally have no one to talk about anything with.

Next week I'm going to go horseback riding (yay!) and also start FTAC--- which is pretty much a week of powerpoints, and maybe talk to my supervisor about taking leave some time in August.  I've been debating whether or not I want to go back to Texas before the holidays--- each time I change my mind... :/

Plane tickets are expensive, I REALLY miss my baby brother, I don't know if I should visit home right now... Decisions, decisions... I mean, I have more than enough money right now to make the trip, but I just don't know...

We'll see.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Woah, bro

I recently just had to block one of my ex boyfriends from my phone and facebook.

No worries, guys.  He wasn't threatening me or anything, he was just being a whiny little bitch.

Seriously though.  Almost every single day I would get a text from him.  We literally dated for almost 2 weeks and he feels like he needs to be a centerpoint in my life.  No.  Just, NO.  He would send me these long paragraph messages, and I would ignore most of them or just reply with a one word answer because what do you say to someone you don't really want to talk to because they're annoying?

Recently he's been prying into my life in California, stalking my Facebook page and asking about the new friends I made--- trying to mirror what I do to make it seem like he's having just as much fun.  I'm just like, "LOOK, it's awesome you're having fun in Arizona, BUT I DON'T CARE."  You'd think me responding to texts with the singular "cool" or just not responding at all would give him the hint that I could give two shits about the events in his life.

The other day he started in with a lot of accusational texts asking if I had broken up with him for someone else, and I was a little taken aback.  I broke up with him because he was clingy, over emotional, and a tad controlling.  And I told him this.  I broke my single response text pattern to do so. Still, the texts were relentless so I finally broke down and told him about a tiny fling I had with a friend of mine WELL after we had broken up to see if that would shut him up.

It didn't.  It just began the long paragraphs of "Did we even have anything special?"  "Why did you feel the need to do that?" "Please help me not hate you, I'm really hurt."

And I'm just like, uhhh.... We "dated" for maybe two weeks, I broke up with you, and I can do whatever the hell I want.  I don't care how you feel because my decisions have nothing to do with you, nor did they ever at any point. You can feel free to feel however you wish.

The texts didn't stop, so I stopped them.  HOPEFULLY he doesn't try to contact me through other sources (like my work e-mail) and I'm going to cross my fingers that this ends any and ties I had to him.

But guys.  This is the most drama I've ever had with a relationship (and I'm using the term VERY loosely). I hope I never have to deal with anyone like this ever again.


Oh boy.

I meant to write sooner, but you know how it is.  Life.  Doing stuff. Laziness.

I'm still settling into California--- still making friends and exploring the area, of course.

Almost every day I make a list of things that I just NEED to do.  Like: pick up my packages from the post office, clean the bathroom, buy stuff on Amazon for my room.

I didn't realize how many things I needed in terms of "homegoods" until I got here.  I spent a large portion of my last paycheck on pans, a tea kettle, and cooking utensils.  I still need to buy a few more dinnerware items, but that'll have to wait until next pay day.

And just buying little things like food, cleaning supplies, and clothes--- I'm just like, WOAH. I really need to reasses the meaning of want vs. need.

I want a knife set, but I don't need it right now.


I need to get wifi in my room, but it's not a priority.

It's hard for me to prioritize one over the other.  And I have the same mental battle for anything else I want/need.

Here's a list of things that I want/need, but haven't gotten yet because they're pretty expensive:

-A compass tattoo
-A rice cooker
-A new camera
-A mobile hotspot  jk. I just bought one.
-dinnerware set

I mean, this list is virtually infinite. But I decided to stop myself there.

Ugh. Stuff.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013


Guys. I miss Keesler.

Well, mainly all the friends I made there.

I miss my awesome roommate Camella.

I miss my wonderful weather friend Cres.

I miss my quasi British friend Ben.

I miss my CQ friend/musical soulmate Kameron.

I miss the entirety of Drum and Bugle corp.

And most of all, I miss my adorable guy friend Yates.

When I was outprocessing to leave the base I was kind of a mess. I was running things on a pretty tight schedule, and things ended up not falling into place. We had commander's call--- which caused my entire schedule to get moved back by an hour. I wasn't able to make it to the travel office to ship my bags, so I had a mini freak out trying to figure out how I was going to get my stuff there.

The student post office only took cash for shipping, which sucked because I DID NOT have enough cash to ship 3 bags, and I didn't want to pay a stupid ATM fee, so I ended up taking my bags to the UPS office. I was scrambling around trying to find someone with a car so that I could avoid paying for a cab--- My friend Camella didn't get off duty until 6, and most of the places closed at 6-- and pretty much all of my friends with cars had already graduated.

Then I remembered the guy I was late to curfew with, Yates.

I quickly called him up and used all the charm I could muster to get him to give me a ride. It didn't really take much to convince him to drive me somewhere so he could avoid studying for a little bit. For some reason whenever we hang out he always gets us lost. Without fail. But it was nice. I got to spend more time hanging out with him. We rode around listening to country music, the Lonely Island, and some obscene rap about genitals, and we passed a bunch of places that we hung out at, and there were even these two streets next to each other named after our home states.

 Seeing all of that--- I got a little nostalgic.

 I didn't realize how close I had gotten to him. He's one of the coolest guys I've had the privilege to be friends with. He's different than what I'm used to--- he's like a man's man. He's told me multiple times "I'm not pussy, I'm a Yates."  I mean, he's literally a cowboy.  He has a horse named Bob.  His parents named him after a John Wayne movie character.  He's the type of guy that wants to be on the front line of everything, charging through and doing things that most people are too lazy to do, but at the same time he can be laid-back and fun. I can honestly say that the quality of males that I have been associating with pale in comparison.

It wasn't until that moment that I realized that I was really going to miss all the people that I had met. I feel like I'm leaving little pieces of myself behind. I can only hope that one day our paths will cross again. Hell, we're all in the same military branch, so it's a strong possibility. Man. I know that I'm going to make new friends, but I also just want to hold all the friendships that I made at Keesler close to me. Yates told me that the military always takes your friends away, and that's one of the things that he doesn't like, and I didn't realize the magnitude of what he was trying to convey until now. I grew so close to these people in such a short amount of time due to the circumstance we're all in, so leaving them behind makes me feel a little melancholy.

So it goes.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

How ya doin'?

Yup. I only have time to vlog apparently. Excuse the fact that I am too damn lazy to edit anything.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

What even.


I broke up with my clingy Tech School boyfriend this past weekend! Woo! I'm a free (wo)man now, I don't need no strings.

He was way too---- self conscious? He would literally not stop apologizing about everything, and he would get really mopey when I would hang out with my other guy friends even though I would invite him along, and anytime he was around my friends he was very rude to them. So. I was just like, nope.  I don't have time to deal with silly things like that and try to make it work (keep in mind I only knew him a grand total of 2 days prior to us "dating") so I told him that we were over.  Just like that. And I feel awesome.

I have decided that relationships are going to be off the table for a VERY long time.  I'm just going to have tons of friends and tons of fun.  I'm going to California for Pete's sake! Fun central!

But I have to be remember to be a little more responsible when having fun, because the other night I got into a little trouble for missing curfew by 20ish minutes.  Whoops.

My friend Chance and I were exploring the area in his purple truck (it was my first time off base) and we drifted a little too far, got lost, and ended up coming back to base late. Yeah.  I talked to MTL today about it, and I got into a little trouble, but nothing that's too big.  Chance didn't get into any trouble--- call me crazy, but sometimes I think they go a little harder on the females than they do on the males.  But that's just my personal opinion.


Thursday, May 23, 2013

A vlog in which I complain a little.

Gosh.  I sure hope I didn't come off as whiny.  I swear, it's only because I've sort of had a crappy week.

Tech school is getting really ridiculous (rule wise) and I'm itching to get out.  I have open sores from wearing garter straps every day, and they rub against my skin anytime I move.  Also, I have to put bandaids on my chest because the metal backing on my name tag and ribbon rack scratch up against me as well, causing red marks.  Yeah.

And a whole bunch of other things.


Wednesday, May 22, 2013


Drawn during class
As of recently I've been obsessed with compasses.  Like, I love drawing them.  I've actually been thinking about getting a compass tattoo... I'm constantly getting lost, and I thought it would be a comforting image to have on me at all times.  Perhaps when I get to California...

Anyway, life has been busy as per usual.  I'm really anxious. I'm ready to go to California!  I've been looking at different concerts, talking with my friend Jordan who lives in Monterrey, making plans to do stuff.  As much as I like Keesler (and wearing blues every day) I'd really like to go somewhere different.  Somewhere completely new.

I might be addicted to moving around... And traveling...

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Holy Cannoli.

Since I last posted, things have just gotten busier.  Like way busier.  Like, between all my classes, mandatory briefings and appointments, volunteer work, and everything else (like cleaning my room, laundry, studying) I feel like I barely have time to do things that I want to do, like blog.

Sad stuff.

BUT, I've made a lot of awesome friends here--- Like really awesome friends.

And I'm dating this guy that I'm in Drum & Bugle with, but so far he's been really attached to me--- so I'm going to have to talk to him about the fact that I need personal time. So yeah, there's that.

I have almost everything put together for the Blogger Family favorite things package swap! I'm going to *try* to mail it Monday.

ALSO--- Since I probably won't be able to blog as much because I don't have wifi in my room, I'm going to make more vlogs! Woo! Expect one later this week!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

I really like being away from home "on my own".

Like, it's so nice.

Right now, I'm all alone sitting in a library annex of this place called The V, which is sort of like a little community center for all the military tech school students that has a bunch of TVs, gaming systems, computers, movies and whatnot for us to use for free.  On the weekends they have a bar and night club in the back, AND FREE WIFI.

But I digress.  Every now and then someone will poke their head in here, but aside from that I'm pretty much alone in this big room.  And it's nice.  It's quiet.

I don't really know how to express how I feel.  I like being by myself.  And if I need friends, I just go out and find some, and it's really liberating.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Too fast

As of late I've been feeling rushed.

I feel like a barely have time to do EVERYTHING that I need to get done.

I get so aggravated because I make schedules and then the next thing I know, a million MANDATORY things pop up that I have to tend to first.  Like briefings.  Yeah. I'm well aware that briefings will now consume the rest of my life since I'm in the military, but some of them are so pointless! Like today, I had a briefing, and then afterwards my entire squadron had a briefing about said briefing, followed by another briefing about that briefing.

It was ridiculous! I mean, all the information was so repetitive--- we literally wasted about 2 hours doing that.

But all of that aside, I'm still just barely getting everything accomplished. I just got my first credit card (yikes) through the AF so that I can start building some type of credit. I won't be buying a car or a house anytime soon, so I'm just going to use the card for the AF "club" benefits, like free shuttle rides around the base and access to the Enlisted Club. It has a fixed interest rate since it's through the military, and I won't get penalized for not using it every month.  So that's nice.

Also, I opened a savings account! Right now I have it set to put about $200 a month in out of my paycheck, but I'm sure once I start having to pay "real" bills that amount will change... But right now it keeps me from blowing all of my money on silly stuff.

Oh yeah, GUYS. My first duty station is in California! More specifically the Santa Barbara region! I'm so excited! I should be there by June!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Things Happen

Well, I guess I'm at the point where I should elaborate on the fact that I recently broke up with my boyfriend. And by recently I mean this last weekend, while I was in the food court with my friends, I called up JB and ended things. It was pretty painless, at least, it was for me...

I feel like being away in a high stress environment made me realize what I did and didn't miss. It made me sort of prioritize who/what was valuable in my life. There were things that I did miss A LOT like my baby brother, writing/typing on a regular basis, music, naps, bubble baths, tea--- the list goes on. I missed a lot of the little things. Then of course, there were things that I didn't miss, like my dad being a dickhole, smelling like an ash tray 24/7, being dependent on my parents, this list can go on as well. But there was one thing that really nagged at me while I was there, and it was the fact that I didn't miss JB at all. I missed having the company of a male, but once I started talking to brother flight that issue was resolved. I kept on thinking, "It's just BMT. When he comes for graduation weekend it'll be different. I'll feel different." but I never did. If anything, when he visited it just confirmed what I had been feeling for the past 8 1/2 weeks. I didn't feel the same way he did. In fact, I was kind of overwhelmed by the magnitute of his feelings for me.

While at BMT he sent me a letter saying that I was "the one" and that he wanted to marry me in a few years. Yeah. My first reaction was a resounding HELL NO. Followed by a few oh shits. As soon as I could I wrote him back saying that I didn't see myself getting married in the next few years because I wanted to deploy and focus on my career. Yeah. After that letter I stopped signing off with "Love, Lizzi" and started just using the generic, "-Lizzi". I know. That was a dickhole move. In fact, I feel like a major dickhole, but I feel like it's better to be up front and honest right now, instead stringing him along and giving him false hope.

I know why he wants to get married so fast. He's 27. I'm not stupid. I know he feels the pressure to settle down and start a family, which is precisely why I broke up with him. I can't give him that right now. And even if I were to get married in the next few years, I'm not certain that I'd want to marry him. I just don't feel that way about him.

So yes. I called him and told him that I wanted to break up. End of story. He didn't really fight it. He told me that he loved me and that maybe if things worked out he wanted us to get together, but I don't think things "working out" or the lack thereof had anything to do with the end of our relationship. I just didn't feel right. It wasn't fair to him. I haven't been in the need of a relationship as of late. I've built up a good pool of guy friends that I hang out with because quite frankly, I'm burnt out of being surrounded by females. I was asked out yesterday by some guy who has been picking on me since I stepped foot onto Keesler. I promptly turned him down. Now, I'm just going to focus on passing all of my tests. I'm going to focus on my job, which is to wake up every morning, go to school, and defend the country. Easy peasy.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Saturday, April 27, 2013

So obviously

I made it out alive, guys!

I know I promised a vlog, but I ended up making one of me rambling for like 20 minutes, and I was to lazy to edit it today so I'm just going to post some pictures.

-Doing the Airman's Run (a 3mi. run) in the POURING rain
-Graduating as Warrior Flight
-Not really getting yelled at
-Meeting a lot of BAMFs
But yeah.  When I get more time to do stuff, like edit that video---- I will!
I'm just wiped today.  At tech school we have these phases that don't permit us to ride in vehicles for the first few weeks that we're here so we have to walk/march EVERYWHERE.  Like literally, everywhere. My friends and I have been walking around, exploring the base and we decided to go to the Marina today.  After the long ass walk down there we were invited to a crawfish boil and we ate to our heart's content.  And then we walked ALL the way back to our dorms.  I feel like we walked a bajillion miles.  Like, my feet are going to fall off.
But I digress.  I'm going to get that vlog up eventually.... And I plan on writing a little bit about my experiences at AFBMT.
However, right now? DJANGO UNCHAINED.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

It's finally time!

Monday I leave for Shreveport MEPs to check in, Tuesday I swear in to active duty, and then I hop onto a plane to fly to BMT!


Just a quick reminder of those planning to write me while I'm in: I can't receive care packages of any sort, please don't send photographs (I have to get those cleared through my MTI) and just remember to check my Facebook page to find my address! My family will be posting it on my wall as soon as they find out.

I'll see you guys in 10 weeks!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I leave in exactly 7 days.  HOW INSANE IS THAT?!  Seriously though.  One week.

I need to organize my suitcases.  I need to pack my bag full of supplies that I'm taking down there.

I get an adrenaline rush every time I think about it.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Something I need to remember

I am really hard on myself.  Really hard.

If I screw up knowingly, it's devastating.  Stupid, little mistakes are the worst because I know that they could have been prevented if I was just more thorough and aware.

Right now I'm beating myself up for screwing up homemade cornbread, and it's bad.  Constant self doubt, self criticism, internal berating.

What's silly is that no one is angry at me.  But I can't help but feel angry at myself.  I wasn't fully focused on what I was doing, and I accidentally added the batter into the oil instead of vice versa.  Ughhhhhh.

What am I going to do when I get to BMT?  Every action is going to be scrutinized under a magnifying glass.  If I'm like this when I screw up little things at home, how am I going to be when I get down there?

I just need to remember to take deep breaths.  Don't get upset, just fix whatever's wrong.  It doesn't do any good to get angry at myself.

Constant focus.  That's what I need to put all my energy toward.

Monday, February 4, 2013

JB and I finally took a picture together! Sadly, I forgot to bring my Polaroid camera with me, so that'll have to wait until sometime later this week.

We talked a little bit about me leaving, and how it's in two weeks.

It's daunting.

My step mom has been advocating for me to break up with JB, but I'm not going to break up with him just because it was advised by my parents.  She doesn't want me to be tied down to anyone and she wants me to "live life and have fun without any obligations."

Regardless of whether or not I'm in a relationship I'm still going to have plenty of fun, adventures, friends, memories, etc.--- all the things that a parent wants for their child.  I'm a naturally introverted person so obviously I'm not going to go out and party hard all night.  I'll probably go to a diner with a good book, or maybe a good group of friends and go home when they'll no longer serve me french toast and bacon.  Maybe chill out at a bonfire by the beach.  Go shopping with some gal pals.  Adopt a ragdoll kitten.  Doodle in all of the pages of my moleskine.  Take more Polaroid pictures.

I see myself doing all of these things with/without JB.  My relationship doesn't define who I am.  It's just nice to have someone to share things with. It's nice to enjoy someone's company.

Besides, I'm not really a "date-around" type of person.  I find one person that I really like and stick with them for a while.  All other guys are henceforth dubbed as "bros" to keep them in line. I have months (emphasis on the multiple) in between relationships because I like being alone sometimes.  Jumping to and from relationships isn't my style.

My step mom has created a master list of scenarios that she fears will result in me holing myself up in my room, avoiding communication with everyone, and here are a few of the gems:

  1. I discover that JB is cheating on me
  2. JB breaks up with me for no reason
  3. The distance causes us to grow apart
I was a bit insulted that she didn't believe I would have the ability to break things off if I were no longer happy.  That aside, yes, these are all plausible things.  But these are all things that, albeit currently hypothetical, I need to experience on my own.  Just because something MAY happen doesn't mean I should base my decisions on it.  I am quite capable of ending things if I feel limited or unhappy.  I've done the distance thing on a smaller scale, and each long distance relationship is different.

So I will continue to endure the remaining 15 days of lectures about how I should live my life, because we all know what happened last time I let my parents dictate something about my future.

Friday, February 1, 2013

random thoughts

  • 10 years from now, when the Nerdfighters are doctors, lawyers, parents, teachers, baristas, sales associates--- what will the world be like? What will the next generation be like?
  • How will being in the military change me as a person?
  • I wish I could get paid for laying in a pit of pillows, watching sci fi and eating peanut M&Ms
  • I don't like my dad's business partner.  He gives me this greasy feeling that I just can't shake.
  • I'm really excited about going away and making new friends, maybe I'll even come out of my shell and initiate conversations with people.... Maybe.
  • I see all these people reading books that I love because they're now movies and while I'm happy that they've decided to delve into something deeper than People magazine (not that there's anything wrong with People) a small part of me wonders if they'll actually GET anything out of what they're reading and relate to it on the same level that I did, or if they're just reading it to be cool.
  • BMT better get my bod in supreme shape for bikini season or I will be pissed.
  • What type of device should I buy myself with my first paycheck... A macbook? An iPad? A regular laptop? I need something other than my phone to blog with...
  • I sort of want to request to be stationed in Florida or Nevada when the time arises... I'm still weighing my options.
  • The fact that my friends in other military branches make fun of Air Force girls for being sluts kind of worries me.  
  • WHY DID I BURN THE QUESADILLA I WAS MAKING THIS MORNING?! WHY. It was going to be so delicious :'(

Thursday, January 31, 2013

There's so much going on in my head right now.  It's crazy, jumbled, at times a little too much, but it's normal.    At least, that's what I've been told.

I get so tired of people asking me how I feel about leaving, how my family feels, how JB feels, and of course "Are you ready?" and I regurgitate the bland, "Oh yes, they're all excited for me. I'm a little scared, but I think I'm as ready as I'm going to be."

I know that I shouldn't be so upset over people trying to take an interest in my life, but sometimes I get so tired answering the same question over an over.  Like, how am I supposed to convey the feelings of others?  Because in all honesty my younger sister already resents me for leaving her to take over all of my responsibilities around the house, my youngest sister probably won't miss me that much aside from no longer being scolded about leaving her dirty clothes everywhere.  And Steven.  Poor little guy is only four, so he's still having trouble grasping the fact that I'll be gone for months on end.  And I won't even get started on my parents.

I recently became friends with a fellow trainee who shares my ship date, and it's been nice talking to someone that's going to be entering the same experience at the same time.  We met on the FEB 2013 AFBMT Facebook page where all of the trainees shipping out for the month can talk.  Not that many people participate on it, which is odd, because I've heard in the past that pages like this are very popular, but then again it's not advertised.  Most people don't really know to look for it.

Anyway, talking to him made me feel reassured.  In all honesty my situation isn't that bad. He's leaving behind a crazy ex-girlfriend that didn't want him to enlist, and an entire life that he had already started, whereas I'm just getting started.  I'm lucky that JB is so supportive, and he's already talked about visiting me as soon as I'm allowed to have people see me, which will be a while.

Like, aside from my graduation weekend, it'll be a few months before I get to see him.  My parents have been bugging me about having a long distance relationship, but that topic is for another post, at another time.

This weekend I'll be spending time with friends, trying to enjoy my last 19 days of civilian life.

Edit:  I found this neat little website that has slideshows for all 8 weeks of training if any of you are curious as to what I'll be doing once I leave.  I found some of the captions humorous.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Friday, January 25, 2013

I'm currently working on my bff surprise, which cannot be mentioned on here until I finish it (because she reads my blog) and I'm just so happy about it.

Today I spent part of the morning with JB before he had to go to work, and it was so wonderful.  We talked about a lot of things, like all the shit I'm about to face in basic training, and how he's sending out his resume and reels to different stations for sports anchor position--- future stuff.  Even though we're going in different directions I don't really feel scared about the fate of our relationship.  I feel genuinely happy that he's working so hard, and I really want him to get a sports anchor job.  I don't like bringing it up with my parents because they always give me this "your relationship is doomed" speech and lecture me about how we might hold each other back, so I just leave it out of conversations.

I had a check come in the mail the other day from judging the debate tournaments, and two more on the way. My bank account is quite happy.

I'm going to try to make a vlog this weekend, so we'll see how that goes... It'll just be another update in video form.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Fear

Sometimes, after I come home from hanging out with my friends, or even when I'm just spending time with my little brother, I get hit with this big wave of terror--- In three weeks I will be gone.

No more lazy mornings, playing dinosaurs with my little brother when he gets home from school, late night conversations with JB, cuddling with my dog- the list goes on.

And I know this is normal. Almost everyone feels this way. I'm making a monumental change in my life. It's ok to be scared.

I have these little mantras that I repeat when these waves hit, like
-basic is only two months of hell
-when the MTIs are yelling, listen to what they say, not how they say it
-after tech school, I can come home on recruit assistance for a week
-I will finally be fully independent
-I can finally display my relationship with JB on social media platforms
-I will no longer be constantly subjected to heavy smoking within my own home

Just to remind myself of the little details that seem to get lost among the panic.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

To Do

There's so much that I need to do.  As of today I have 31 days until I leave.  A month.  Holy whatever!

I still need to:

  • go to the post office to mail packages and buy more stamps (my parents are great procrastinators in taking me)
  • pack my VERY LAST BOX (which honestly needs to be done closer to when I leave)
  • use all my Polaroid film 
  • take a freaking picture with JB already (I still have no idea why we haven't done this yet...)
  • complete my surprise for my berst frernd
  • buy last minute things for BMT
  • take down all of my posters and wall stuff

With that being said, I don't think much will get done this weekend.  I'll be judging my 3rd debate tournament of the season (woo money!) on Saturday, and then on Sunday I'll probably spend time with JB.  I'm a little upset because I haven't been able to go to the gym for the past two weeks because I've been watching the house/dogs/my little brother for my parents.  I've been doing sit-ups and push-ups at home, but it's not the same as the actual gym.  And of course, since I'm actually taking care of living beings, I can't leave the house for a 30 min run or anything.

I know those complaints sound selfish, BUT I'M SO CLOSE TO LEAVING.  I need to keep working out so I don't get completely beat up in BMT. UGH. UGH. UGH.

What's worse is that my parents are catering to a friend of theirs, who I don't like at all, and I feel like they're prioritizing him over me.  BUT WHATEVER. I'll be gone in a month, whether I'm in good shape or bad.

I really didn't mean for this post to turn into a rant.... Oops.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

About this gun stuff

I know I have to pick my words carefully as a member of the military, but I feel like I have to sort out my thoughts on the issue.

Today, as I was writing this, President Obama gave his proposal to reduce gun violence.  And I think reduce is a proper word to use, because when you have guns, you will always have some type of violence. Whether it's in self defense, national defense, or even game hunting--- there will be violence.

It's something you can't avoid.

For a long time I've been battling internally on whether or not guns, or any weapons for that matter should be accessible to most people, and I'm still unable to come up with a clear answer.  For the most part, I agreed with the things outlined in Obama's speech, which you can read about here.

I'm anxious to see how much of it gets enacted, and how quickly it'll take affect.

In December a friend of mine's younger brother was shot and killed.  I'll spare the details in respect for their family's privacy, but he was killed by someone trying to defend themselves.   Both parties were doing very wrong, illegal things, but I can't help but think that if the gun was taken out of the equation there wouldn't have been a fatality.  He was unarmed, and was presumably only going to "rough up" the other people. My friend's brother would have most likely ended up in prison, but to me, that's better than being dead at 17.  In all honesty, my own parents keep a gun in their bedroom for self defense purposes.  They've never used it, and hopefully never will, but it's just something they have that makes them feel safe.

I don't think civilians ought to be in possession of high caliber firearms, but in that same breath, I know that there is an army of people waving around their civil rights speaking the contrary.  In my own state and city there are people who are more concerned about their gun privileges than they are about what happened a little over a month ago at Sandy Hook elementary.  Gun stores are running out of ammunition as people begin to stock up in fear of no longer being able to purchase bullets.  I mean, it's ridiculous.

In the next few weeks I'll shed the last bits of my civilian life and assimilate into a life-style where guns are viewed in a vastly different manner.  While my job won't involve me using a gun on a regular basis, I'll still know how to operate one.  Maybe my opinions will change once I'm in.  Maybe I'll finally find that missing detail that will make everything click.

Right now, however, I just don't want anyone else to be hurt by these machines.  At least not innocent human beings.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Adventures with Polaroids.

So last week I finally got around to buying some Polaroid film!  I hate how ridiculously expensive it is ($25 for eight shots!) but I'm a sucker for nostalgia.  I still have some Polaroids that were taken when I was a little girl, and I liked the artsy feel they had.  I decided to do a little project with the film (I bought 2 packs, so I have 16 shots) where I took pictures of my friends and family and put them in my moleskine journal.  So far I've taken 5 pictures, two of which are of my little brother, because he found the concept of instant photos so fascinating.
My sister Kimmy was perplexed as to why I was so excited about low quality, sometimes out-of-focus or blurry photos.  Needless to say she's also confused as to why I don't find the members of One Direction super attractive. Hint: I don't like guys that look like they're fifteen and more waxed than I am.

Me and fellow blogger Aria! :)

Aforementioned little sister.
I haven't taken any pictures outside yet, but I really need to.  I feel like the colors would be more vibrant and less brownish/sepia.

Anyway, I'm glad I got to use my Polaroid before I left.  It probably won't be something I use often, just for special little things.  I'm thinking of maybe investing in a Fujifilm instant camera, just because they're more economical.  My friend Andria has one and loves it, and the film, while still a little pricey, is cheaper than buying from the Impossible project.

I'll post the rest of the pictures soon(ish)!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Tomorrow I'll post about my weekend adventures, but right now I'm just going to ramble.

I know I'm leaving soon. Like, duh, I've only been counting down all the days. I'm excited, scared, sad, happy, and everything in-between.

My parents, especially my stepmom, have been hounding me about my relationship with JB. Yes. He's 8 years older than me. Yes. My grandmother will probably disown me if she knew about us. They're like a broken record. Other things they say:

"We don't want you to throw away your future for him."

"He's already had time to find himself and get settled."

"Don't tie yourself down to one person so soon."

And I'm just like, HOLD UP. Did I miss the memo about when our relationship got that serious? Apparently I did.

Last time I checked, I'm still leaving in February... Whether or not I'm still in a relationship is entirely up to me. I'm still going to live my life and do everything I want to do, regardless.

I mean, while I'm away JB will have an interview with a news station in Mississippi for an anchor position, and I hope he gets it. It's been his goal to get a full time position in front of the camera, making the transition from behind the scenes.

If we break up because of the distance, that's ok. That's just life.

And I tell my parents this, but they're adamant in the fact that my relationship with JB is just a huge blemish in my life/future.

Why? He's honestly the greatest guy I've ever dated. He's really considerate, he's responsible, motivated, established... the only things I can fault him for is his persistence in wanting to take me to a scary movie, and sometimes he can be really cheesy.

If our relationship falls apart, that's ok. IT'S TOTALLY FINE. I don't know how many times I can repeat this.  Maybe I should get a banner made?

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have a long-term serious relationship* with JB, but with the directions we're going in... The most I can do is remain optimistic, and do everything on my end to make it work.

And whenever I tell this to my parents, they don't listen to me.  I know everything they're telling me comes from a good place, but I'm 19. I'm leaving home permanently in a little over a month.

I need to be able to make "mistakes" and trust my own judgment.

Am I crazy?

*I don't plan on marrying ANYONE until well after I'm old enough to purchase/drink my own alcohol at my wedding.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Midnight hunger/Flu

For some reason, I always get woken up between midnight and 3 a.m. by hunger.  I usually drink some water and ignore it, but sometimes I honestly can't fall back asleep until I get a small snack to eat.

What is up with my body?  This hasn't started happening until recently.  I read that sometimes feeling "hungry" can actually mean that your body is "thirsty", hence me drinking water most of the time.  I don't know.  I'm a bit worried though, because if this continues on into when I leave for basic training I'm screwed.  There won't be any way I'll be able to sneak away to satiate my rumbly tummy.


Also, I just found out that 2 people in my family have the flu.  And it's not your run of the mill flu, according to the doctor, it's the strongest strain one can catch--- even if one has the vaccine.  My grandma visited a few days before New Year's and unknowingly came over with the infection.  She left early to visit her doctor, who had informed her that she had a bad case of the flu, and pretty much exposed my entire family to it.  What's scary is the fact that she got the flu shot, and it still didn't help.

So far, I haven't been showing any symptoms.  I've been loaded up with vitamins and Airborne tablets, so I'm hoping that I'll be safe.  If I get sick, all of my plans for this weekend are doneskies.

Saturday (if I don't get sick) I'll be judging at my school's debate tournament! Ah, the perks of being graduated!  I'll be judging extemporaneous speeches, LD, and possibly CX debate.  Fun stuff!  And then Sunday I'm going to spend some much needed girl time with the Art Girls.  Possibly, between those activities I'll spend some time with JB.  He's a bit upset that I'm under quarantine right now, but it's for his own good.  I don't want to inadvertently infect him and have him miss work because he's too sick to go.

I really don't want to start 2013 being sick.

BUT, just a heads up to the Blogger Family members that I'm sending things to for the swap, I'm probably going to wait until the second or third week of this month to send things to you guys, JUST IN CASE.  Have no fear, I've sprayed everything in my room down with disinfectant!

Anyway, I hope everyone avoids being sick! Stay healthy, friends!