Monday, October 28, 2013

In which I disclose what a mess I am

Right now I can't even handle my personal life.

Sometimes I wish I could just live at work.  I'm good at my job.  Well, I'm
learning to be good at my job.  There's still a lot that I don't know, but I'm still in my sponge stage and everyday I learn something new.

But then after work. Ugh.

For the most part, from what people tell me, I'm a pretty nice/chill person to be around.  

However when it comes to self discipline/control I'm lacking.  It's
painfully ironic because you'd think all of  my military training would have helped me with that particular quality, but it seems to have only made it worse.  In fact, I think these qualities developed after I joined.

I am very much so living in the present, and it's reflected in how I act and make my decisions.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not balls to the wall crazy, but I embrace spontaneity and doing things because they "feel right/good" at the time.

I don't want to tarnish the "Carpe Diem" mindset, but that's the current philosophy I'm embracing right now.

It's why if I see something I want, and I have the resources to acquire it, I do.

It's why I like going on crazy adventures and getting lost in new environments.

It's why I like pushing my own personal limits and boundaries.

This mindset has, however, contributed to the current mess that I have made
for myself.  I know that I'm in the wrong, and in no way am I contesting that.

The situation has just made it blindingly obvious that I need to reign myself in and try to find my center again, because I am out of equilibrium.

I'm out of control, I messed up, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

A few days ago I caved and bought a record player.  Maybe I'm just trying to fill some void deep inside of me, or maybe I just did because I could.  Either way, it was the best $100 I've ever spent.

I'm addicted.  I love the way the music sounds, the crackling of the record before the music starts, and having to get up to flip to the b-side.  Gah, I could wax philosophical about vinyl all day, but I'll spare you the details.


Friday, October 11, 2013


When I was growing up I missed out on the whole "boy crazy" phase. Sure, I had my crushes, but nothing compared to what most young hetero girls experience. 

I was more interested in books, art, science, and the universe. I was my father's dream daughter. He never had to worry about reigning me in, or locking me away.

Now? I feel like a 12 year old little girl! Flirting, feeling shy, developing mini crushes, wanting to wear dresses all the time and look cute.

It's a bit unprecedented.

My current lifestyle caters excellently to this new craze that has overwhelmed my life.

Boys. Men. Everywhere. And as an added bonus: they're all in uniform.

I'm a hot mess.