Yesterday my eyes were teared up because I was consumed with anger at Jacob, but today they were teared up because I realized how bad I made him feel. I know my intent was to make him feel guilty and torn up, and apparently he does, but it however gives me no satisfaction at this current moment to know that. I just feel horrible and weepy.
He wrote me an apology letter that I read this morning, and after reading it I was reduced to a puddle of tears. There is no other way to describe it other than the cliche and over-used phrase of "I felt really bad." or at least, that's the only way I know how to word it correctly. In the opening of his letter he put an excerpt of Søren Kierkegaard's Works of Love, which coincidentally I remember reading (well actually skimming) a year back because it was in a collection of works and journals that Kierkegaard did that my Uncle happened to have sitting out.
Then later on in the letter he apologized for pushing me like an idiot (a part in this letter that I heartily agree with) and being a douche bag (he spelt douche wrong btw). He also said that we needed to work together for debate.
He said some other stuff in the letter which made me even more weepy, and the concluding sentence was, "If you didn't have an incredible dislike of giving hugs. I would give you one now."
That pretty much tipped the iceberg, and I almost started crying, but I didn't. Then I walk over to the computer, and switch the screen on only to see this as the screen saver:
And if you guys don't know, Pietzsche is a play on words, (pronounced "peechay") as opposed to Nietzsche (pronounced "neechay") summing it up to mean, "life is peachy"--- yeah that made me feel slightly better.
If I wasn't such a scared little insecure girl I would have written a full out apology, or at least expressed the fact that I too feel like an immense douche. Now however, I hope it stays in the past and that he and I can move on forward respecting each other throughout the rest of the year, and that he can continue on teaching me and sharing his knowledge. Or, in less eloquent terms, "I hope things will go back to being normal where I pretend not to have any respect for him and dislike him."
We'll see tomorrow.