Today was not enjoyable at all. Yesterday was pretty bad, which is why I neglected doing an actual post--- but today deserves to be typed about.
Jacob went through his usual deal of making ME get up in front of class and do my rebuttal re-dos (which fyi is just remaking arguments until I get them right). But he was about 5 minutes late to class so James made me start before he arrived. We went through the usual every time I said "um" I had to start over, and he would commence throwing pens at me. However, I was actually starting to watch and be more cautious of my "ums" the only downside is the 5 second pauses where the "um" should be.
Then Jacob shows up, and he started this whole, no pauses, make GOOD arguments and such. I was ok with that.
Then he starts telling me all sorts of crap, and I'm standing up there praying to Buddha that I'll actually retain some of it, sadly seeing as I have a short attention span, I didn't.
He makes me start on my attacks, but I couldn't do it because I needed a mental break, and I even asked for one repeatedly telling Jacob that if I didn't get one, I would freak out.
Nope. I got a couple minutes of "break-time" which was filled with distracting music, and he and James talking loudly so of course, I can't even gather my thoughts.
To make a long story short, I got fed up and stormed out of class, and retreated to the one place I knew Jacob couldn't go into, the girl's bathroom, where I destroyed one of the toilets (by shoving clumps of ripped up toilet paper down, so it couldn't flush anymore) due to how angry I was. The anger that consumed me in that one moment pushed me to the verge of tears and Miranda came to comfort me and calm me down.
The rest of the day was wasted on being angry with Jacob --- which again, let me reinstate what a waste of my time being angry at him was.
Then today, instead of confining myself in the art room during lunch, I decided to go and eat with Miranda and her friends. It was ok, I was starting to get less angry when Jacob came and sat down beside me. He wasn't even sitting for two seconds before I threw the nearest pile of things at his face(which was a handful of orange bits) and stormed off.
Then, like a ninja, I snuck past all the teachers and back to the art room where I spent the rest of lunch talking to Saad and Lauren.
According to Miranda, Jacob feels immense amounts of guilt and remorse---- AND HE SHOULD. I refuse to accept an apology from him. He deserves any bad feeling he's experiencing.
Call me an irrational grudge holder, but this is going down in the books. However, I am going to apologize for throwing those orange bits at him during lunch, am I going to apologize for doing anything else? No. I have my reasons.
1. He's not being fair. Why does he pick on me when he knows I can't handle it. I do my best in that class and all I get is sht. Whatever. Why doesn't he make Miranda start on the rebuttal re-dos? Every time we have to do them he always makes me do them first. NO I want a break.
2. He sets impossible standards, and expects too much out of me. You know what, I'm ok with not knowing everything, and I'm open to learning, but the only way I can actually retain anything is if whoever teaches me can help me learn at my own pace. I'm a freshman for Buddha's sake! I don't know everything, and I'm just now learning how to think critically. Jacob can't expect me to know everything, especially when all of what he's taught me is few and fragmented. Sure, he's told me how to make simple arguments and stuff, but most things I've had to pick up from other people, and by experience.
He doesn't deserve the right to expect this much out of me when he hasn't taught me fully. Also, he can't expect me to be this mature and and fast learning individual that he is. I'm young. I don't have as much experience as him.
UGH. I refuse to take any of his BS. When I feel pressured, I need a break. If I don't get one, you can expect me to get unhappy. Buddha, this morning I felt like I was dealing with my mom.