At this point I'm at a loss. From what I learned in therapy, denial and not dealing with pressing issues is never good, even though it seems like a good idea at the time.
All week I've been trying not to play up the thing between my mom and I, trying to get by with sarcastic remarks and "it just really sucks", however like my therapist always said, it's easier to move on if you share. It's also easier to find kindred spirits--- even though at this point in my life, I don't think anyone understands me unless one of their parents did what my mom did.
What did she do? Lets start at the beginning.
3 years ago she started talking to this guy. I'd like to refer to it as a long-distance relationship. They started 'dating' a little after I moved in with my dad. From what I remember they would always fight, my mom would get sick of him, not talk to him for weeks until he sent her a present, and then start talking to him again. Throughout the whole 3 year period it was like this.
Personally, I thought he was creepy back then, however I was also in middle school, and thought any mouth-breather was creepy.
About a month ago, without any warning whatsoever Josh, her boyfriend moves in with her. As I've stated before, he MOVED here. He lived so far away previously he had to take a plane down here.
It probably wouldn't have bothered me as much if she would have told me. Or anyone for that matter. Even my sisters, who live with her didn't know. Yeah. Talk about a douche move.
My youngest sister's birthday rolls around and my dad has custody of her this weekend. We make a big deal out of it, threw her a big party even. You want to know what my mom did over my little sister's birthday? She gets her marriage license and gets married without telling anyone AGAIN.
You'd think she would have at least told my sisters. And I'm not even going to lie at this point, I'm pretty hurt. All week I've been putting off, again trying to joke about it, because that's how I cope, but everyday she doesn't call it's like I get even more hurt.
I'm angry that I had to find out about her marriage by reading the friggin newspaper, and it's complete and utter bullshit that she didn't even ask my sisters if they wanted her to re-marry.
She has kids. She has an obligation to them, to me--- to make sure that we feel safe and comfortable with whomever she wants to be with. When ever my dad would bad talk my mom and call her names I used to get offended, but now I could care less. She's everything my dad has ever said about her, and it's taken me till now to understand that.
I've been playing scenarios in my mind of what would happen once we had to talk--- let me tell you: it involves a lot of yelling and crying.
What are we going to do for holidays? What am I going to do come December when her birthday and my birthday roll around? Will I ever be able to view my mom as an actual mother?
I don't know. Typing this out right now is bringing up all types of emotions, and there are so many different things that I'm not sharing because it just hurts too much.
And I'm sick and tired of telling my friends and hearing them go "That sucks."
Like they're passive. Just another thing to store in their mind under the little folder labeled "Things that have never happened to me that suck" ---I'm trying to share, trying to sort this out, trying to see if maybe, just maybe they might understand that I feel like breaking down every single time I think about my mom---- But no. I get, "That sucks." followed by, "Hey did you do the chemistry review?"
No I did not do the friggin chemistry review, I was too busy laying in my bed trying not to be angry at the world.
The only person who I can closely relate to at school is Miranda. At least one of her parents was shitty also.
I'm a teenager. I'm entitled to be irrationally angry. Right now I'm going to try to be relatively normal in front of my friends. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I need my friends to pity me.
I'm angry that my mom has pretty much ruined our relationship by being selfish. However, there's not much I can do but buck up, put on a strong face for my little sisters, and try not to let this ruin my year and all the fun I can have in it.
Lizzi, you're one of the strongest people I know, and to hear you express some true emotion shows how badly this hurts for you. I can't say that I can relate with the same things you have, but I know what it's like to have my respect for one of my parents slowly sink away due to their selfishness and ignorance. If you ever need someone to vent to, you know I'm always there for you.
ReplyDeleteI think that a lot of why people say that and then move on is because they don't know how to react to this sort of thing. People for the most part aren't really sure what is the right thing to say and often when something horrible happens to something else, the very first thing we do is try to create some sort of diversion away from a topic that makes us feel uncomfortable. It's not a good thing, but it's unfortunately how we deal. Maybe if you let more people know that you really do want to talk about this, maybe they'll be more open? I'm not sure if you've already tried this and I know that you will probably find some people who still feel uncomfortable listening, but hopefully at least one or two people are willing to open up a little and listen better. For the record, from what little I know, just you trying to cope with it and put it out there, that's a sort of coping in itself. I normally just shut down, personally I think being open is better. :)
ReplyDeleteI can't believe I didn't realize this was hurting you so much. I can't say that I understand perfectly what you're going through, but I want you to be able to come to me whenever you need to. It'd be extremely lame of me to not be there for you after all the times you've been the friend I could go to.
ReplyDeleteI wish all of your mom's crap would just go away, but I know that's not possible. Just please know that if you ever need to talk you can come to me and I'll always try to help you in anyway I can.