Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Pushing myself

So, as most of you already know, I'm in the process of getting into shape before I have to leave for AF basic training (which is tentatively 4-6 months away from now).

Like I've mentioned before, I've never done any type of physical conditioning EVER and I'm starting at ground level, trying to build myself up.

Everyday I work out.  I push myself to physical exhaustion, sometimes even tears.  Whenever I go to the gym I'm always so determined. I give every workout 110%.

But sometimes I get so frustrated with myself.  I wish I could do more, be better at everything. I wish doing 20-30lbs on various machines wasn't hard for me.

And I know it's silly to be upset with myself, but sometimes I just want to jump out of my own body and yell, "REALLY? IT'S JUST 20LBS YOU CAN DO THIS." but my body doesn't comply, and still struggles to keep up with my mind's expectations.

And I KNOW I need to be patient. I know this.

But I can see my parents freaking out about how unprepared I am, which freaks me out, plus the daily lecture I get from them which usually consists of: "You need to start pushing yourself harder or else you won't be ready for basic." While in my mind I'm screaming "WTF DO YOU THINK I'M DOING RIGHT NOW? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M ABOUT TO BURST A BLOOD VESSLE/CRY/VOMIT/PASS OUT?!"

I know my parents are just trying to motivate me, but it still sucks. A lot.

It sucks to suck.

But I'll push through it.  I just need to find my inner peace and calm myself.


  1. You can do this.
    I know it sounds lame, especially coming from someone that you don't even know, but you can do this.
    I remember when I was training to get my black belt in karate, which was without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done, and I just kept telling myself to not give up, and that I could do it.
    And I did it.
    Of course, I nearly got hypothermia running in sleet during the test and almost passed out from exhaustion and tears at the end, but I did it!
    So keep going! We all believe in you! You're going to do great!

  2. You can do this :) Don't push yourself too far or you will end up passing out/puking/whatever. It's a steady process. Just keep at it and you'll get there.

  3. Are these the same parents that really screwed things up for you a few weeks ago?

    Yeah, I'd just ignore them if I were you. Zone out when they start talking.

  4. I used to be in really awesome shape and everything came so easily, but I stopped exercising and of course as time went on things got harder to do. And now, it's really frustrating to exercise because I have to try so hard and I feel like crying because it just feels so different. I used to be unable to understand why another friend of mine couldn't just do things. But now that I'm in that position I get it. It's hard. So hard. Especially if you're used to getting things done based on hard work. (which seems like you are from previous blog posts) are bodies aren't like that, I suppose, they need time.
    Just keep doing what you're doing, cause you're doing great! :]