Honestly, this is the most fun I've had talking to a quasi-stranger in quite sometime. Usually when guys chat me up on Facebook they usually just tell me I have a nice profile picture and try to get my number (I usually promptly delete said fellows from my friends list), but this conversation was purely fun, random banter.
Anyway, it all started when this guy posted a status that said "EVERYONE HATES ME TODAY, OKAY."
To which I responded: "Maybe you should change your name to Chris." I mean, a status like that was begging for a smart ass comment.
And then he unexpectedly IMed me:
T: That wouldn't help, I'm not black...
Me: Swim in Nutella. Problem solved.
T: That sounds legit. And profitable.
Me: Also delicious.
T: Never had Nutella, soooo...
Me: Boy, you cray. Also, you have no idea what love is.
T: Really? And Nutella will teach me that?
Me :Among other things, yes.
T: What are the other things?
Me: 1. Happiness can be found in a jar. 2. Hazelnut is superior to all nuts. 3. Under no circumstances is it ok to willfully listen to Nickleback.
T: I hate Nickleback.
It is the scourge of music.
Me: Tell me about it. It's a good thing you don't like them because if you did I would have to send you a letter full of anthrax.
T: I already decide if I'm friends with someone or not based on if they like Nickleback. I've also moved that up to dating. I don't care how long I've been dating you, if I find a single Nickleback song on your iPod I'm gone
Me: That's the best way to avoid heartache. That, and Nutella.
T:...but I've never had Nutella...
Me: Have you ever experienced heartache?
T: That's debatable.
Me:Ok boi, I'm just gonna be straight up wit chu. You need to go out and buy yourself a jar of overpriced Nutella so that you can enlighten yo ass wit wonderment.
T: Will that console my broken heart?
Me: Yes. And put meat on your bones. And motivate you to work out. And help you meet the love of your life.
T :I don't need any of those things.
Me: Well maybe there's a reason everybody hates you today.
T:...what would that be
Me: I was alluding to the fact that you haven't ever had Nutella.
T: Maybe that is the reason everyone hates me...
Me: I am a Ravenclaw. I know things.
T: So am I!
Me: Birds of a feather...
T: And what are you alluding to?
Me: Nothing... I was just making a Ravenclaw related follow-up comment.
T: I appreciate that.
I was surprised when I was sorted into Ravenclaw.
Me: What house did you think you were going to be placed in?
Me: Well it's a good thing you didn't get the Dark Mark tattooed on your forearm yet. That would have been awk.
T: Well, I quickly became the leader of Ravenclaw. So it's cool
Me: What do you mean?
T: I took over the house, didn't you hear?
Me: No... I graduated Hogwarts and I'm now an Auror.
T: I assassinated Flitwick and took his position...
Me: Impressive. No Slytherin would ever be smart enough to think of that.
T: So I am a Ravenclaw...huh
Me: Ay, as much as I've enjoyed talking with you, quasi- friend, I'm late for a very important event. Just kidding. It's time for my bubble bath. SWEET DREAMZ.
The beauty of this conversation stems from the fact that we were indeed strangers (despite attending the same high school) and so we had the liberty to say whatever we wanted. Gosh. If only all of my Facebook IM conversations were like this.