Sunday, May 20, 2012

Out in the open

Last night I went to my mom's house and told her about my decision to join the Air Force.

Needless to say she wasn't excited, and now holds a lot of pent up anger towards my dad.

She went on this long rant about how in the Filipino culture it is the family's responsibility to do everything in their power to ensure that secondary education is achieved, and how she felt lied to because my dad told her that he had college savings tucked away for my sisters and I, and I just sat there.

I would be lying if I said that I don't slightly resent my dad. No one I know IRL really knows this, but junior year my dad gave me two options: High Point or community college. At that point I was devastated at how he could just limit my options like that, but I got over it. I got really excited for this university and focused all of my energy on it. I mean, it was better than staying at home.

Now, a year later everything has fallen apart. I trusted my parents and thought that if I did everything that they told me I'd be able to go to this nice university, do well, and succeed.

Now my dad tells me, after a year of telling me that going to High Point would be the best decision I could make, that he wouldn't recommend going there.


I pride myself in being receptive and open to change, but DAMN. A year of my life, dedicated to one solitary goal--- pretty much wasted. About $2000 spent going towards that university (deposit, plane tickets & hotel for the scholarship weekend), OF MY OWN MONEY, gone. Plus, a lot of other unpleasant things happened that I can't really talk about, but pretty much resulted in a lot of bad blood, despite those decisions being for my benefit.

And I'm supposed to readily forgive them? And still trust them?

Sorry for being cynical, but I think I'll start relying on my own gut instinct from now on. Their advice, which I took and trusted wholeheartedly has gotten me nowhere. Since this thing started my parents have been like, "It's ok to be angry at us, but you have to admit this is partially your fault too."

HOW? Is it my fault that I was trying to make both myself and them happy by attending the university they pushed me towards? Is it my fault that I didn't argue and just tried to look at the bright side of things?

Sorry I didn't fight sooner to go to a different university. I should have at least argued enough to apply to another university. Whenever I told my dad that I had filled out applications for other places he would tell me, "Why waste the money on the application fee? You're going to High Point."

My stepmom told me that if I would have sat down and talked to my dad about attending a different university he probably would have let me go, but I find that hard to believe when anytime I had doubt about going to High Point he would just say, "Well, you can always go to community college."  To me, at that time, I felt like I had no other option, which is silly now in retrospect, because his opinion meant nothing since I would have been paying for college by myself anyways.

Last night I told my stepmom, finally after days of them prodding me, that YES I was angry that I didn't have other options. And NO I would not thank them for having a hand in my decision to join the Air Force, because after a year of working hard to AVOID going to community college, I'd be damned if I ended up going there anyways.

I'm so tired right now. I just need time to be angry.


  1. I don't think there is much blame to be placed on you in all this, if any. I can understand your anger as well, but I hope that you won't stay that way. For the most part your parents probably had your best interests at heart, as they should. Often that does differ from what we want, but with any luck, parents know what they're doing.

  2. why aren't you going where you want? you can take out loans! YOU HAVE SOME SAY, TOO! they may be the ones with the paternal power, but it's YOUR life!

  3. I'm with Shelby all the way on this. You have every right to be angry, but I honestly think you should use that anger as motivation. Remember this time, and don't let something similar happen to you ever again. It is your life and even though your parents say things, they usually just want whats best for you - and sometimes they don't actually know what that might be.

    Good luck with everything, you've got listeners if you need them.

  4. When anyone lets you down, especially when it's about something important and even more so when it's your own parents, to me anger is very much justified and I would be surprised otherwise. I certainly don't think you should blame yourself for all of this. There are clearly tons of factors here, but as Shelby and Dillon have said, if there's any way for you to take control of the way that you want your life to go, then don't hesitate to go for it.

  5. I agree with the others, its your life. You need to take control. You do what you want, take the risks, choose the path..its your life.

  6. There is no way your parents can blame you for any of this.

  7. Your situation is not your fault. First of all, I wish your parents would realize that you were only trying to make them happy. I really don't know what your culture is or if this is just a general rule, children want to live the lives that would make their parents proud. That's difficult for other people to understand. Especially when I am explaining it to my friends. I am rebellious. I do say what I want and try to do what I want, but the truth is I would never choose something if it meant potentially pissing my parents off. Especially when they're not the kind to forgive.
    Anyway, sorry for that. You have a reason to be angry or hurt, or both, you tried doing what you thought was best for you and for them and now you're "screwed" in a way. And one way or the other they are to blame, they need to accept that. With time it'll pass, I think and I hope.

  8. Are you serious? This is horrendous. What the hell is going on here? If they try and place any blame on you at all, I'd just give them the cold shoulder for a week each time.

    Good luck with whatever decisions YOU may decide to go with in the future. Just keep us updated.

  9. This is so terrible. I'm so sorry.