Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Not liking anything about anything.

So today has not been a particularly great day.

In fact, all of this emotional bottling is not healthy. After a while all the little stuff starts to pile up and my throat feels constricted and I just want to collapse into a pile of nothing so that I don’t have to feel so bad.

I don’t know. I just have a lot of anxiety right now, and at times I find myself thinking that I can’t handle anything. Schools seems too much, people seem too much, all the noise seems too much to handle.
And it doesn’t help that the rain is magnifying the gloominess that I feel sometimes. It’s like I have this impending fear of an inevitable doom brought on by failure. Today I felt like a failure because 1) I carelessly left my homework folder at home, and I had an English test today over the poems that I had annotated--- luckily my English teacher had extra blank copies, but I felt so irresponsible for not having my materials. 2) My Environmental Science and Art History tests were a bit difficult to say the least, and I didn’t think I prepared myself enough, again caused by my own irresponsibility. 3) For some reason I’ve been hit with a bout of low self-esteem, and although I usually just let negative feelings towards myself just roll away I just feel… lacking. Inadequate. Average.

I’ve been reading over the Holstee manifesto, and looking at this picture a lot:

But it’s not doing much. And I’ve been trying to be emotionally available for everyone else and I feel like I’ve just absorbed all of their troubles. And mainly it's been adults just dumping all of their personal problems on me, and I can't help but feel useless. I know it's impossible for me to help out in 90% of the situations, but still. I want to help. I can only be so assuring before I start to feel miserable... if that makes any sense.

College. Finishing up senior year. Doing well.

Everything feels impossible.

But who knows. I’ll drink some tea, sleep a little more, study, knit, and reassure myself that tomorrow will be better.

As Kurt Vonnegut would say: So it goes.


  1. I hope things pick up for you. We all get a bad day but it sounds like you're having a bad quite a while.

  2. Ah, this is the story of my past couple of weeks as well. It'll get better. You know how I know? BECAUSE WE GRADUATE IN 4 MONTHS.

  3. Screw everyone else. Take some time off for yourself, it sounds like you deserve it.
    It's perfectly alright to bugger off taking people's emotional baggage all the time; let them take some off you for a change.

    And like Mark said, I hope things perk up for you real soon.

  4. I agree with Ash. Sometimes, just avoiding and trivializing everything can be quite helpful. Kurt Vonnegut quotes also help.

  5. I do understand the feeling. But, seriously, just know that you are freaking awesome. And like everyone has said, just use this weekend to try to de-stress. You're already accepted to college, right? So try not to work yourself too hard, and just enjoy the last few months of high school as much as possible! I know it's hard. I still stress out so much about school and then my friends yell at me like "why are you stressed?!" Well... we still are overachievers. We can't help it, haha...

    I hope things get better soon.