December recap

Christmas was wonderful.

So very, very, wonderful.  I got some awesome gifts (some of which were: new boots, LOTS of Hello Kitty things, and money), as well as some not-so awesome gifts that may or may not end up being re-gifted or swapped.

The best gift however, came in the form of a white Christmas.  I shit you not my friends, on Christmas night it snowed in my east Texas town.  It was wonderful.

Don't be fooled by the scale of that snowman.  It was only a foot tall.  Of course, all the snow is gone now, but I heard that it should snow sometime in the next few weeks around JB's birthday.  

Anyway, I've been taking advantage of the fact that some of my friends are home for Winter break and I've been spending time with a few of them.

I've also been writing letters, drinking lots of warm tea and peppermint coffee, and watching the entire Glee series with my stepmom and sister.

I didn't make any resolutions last year (that I can remember) and I probably won't make any this year.  I always get disappointed when I don't fulfill them all.  Does it count if I'm getting rid of a lot of my stuff?  When I leave for basic I will also be fully moved out of my parents house.  I've already started packing up stuff into boxes, giving stuff away (hooray for Blogger Family swaps!), and just in general minimalizing all of my belongings that aren't clothes.  Is that sort of a resolution? To move/minimalize?

Ah, well I hope everyone has a safe, happy New Year!

Just a side note

Do you ever get these unbelievable lows?

Like a feeling of infinite sadness that comes out of nowhere?

From talking to most of my friends, it seems to be pretty normal.  I don't know if I find this fact comforting, or alarming. Is it all the hormone riddled food we were given as children?  Or perhaps as a generation we're more open about our feelings...

But yeah. Just wondering.

I actually liked the Hobbit

So, I finally saw the Hobbit on my birthday, and I have to say, for the first installment, it was really good.

It lived up to my expectations.  I viewed it in 2D, so that might have had something to do with it as well.  I thought the story-line was on-point, I liked most of the special effects (I wasn't too impressed with Azog), and the acting of course, was superb.  I know that some people were unimpressed by the "un-dwarven" looks of Thorin, Fili, and Kili, but it honestly didn't bother me.  In fact, to those disgruntled fans, read this post. I'm excited for the next two installments, especially the second movie because we get to hear the lovely Benedict Cumberbatch's voice!

I've been enjoying all of the Hobbit merchandise as well.  I mean, look, it's a wittle Gandalf! How adorable!

Rebekka, being the awesome friend that she is, even got me a Bilbo magnet as one of my birthday gifts!

In fact, Rebekka got me quite possibly the best gifts ever.  She gave me a mug shaped like the TARDIS, the Bilbo magnet, dark chocolates, a little penguin cup, and a copy of Feminist Ryan Gosling which has kept me quite entertained.  ALSO, THE CARD.

pretty much all of my fave menz

After receiving that gift, I sort of freaked out that my Christmas gift to her was inferior, so I made an emergency trip to Target to get her a different gift.  I think we're exchanging presents sometime later this week... I will cry a thousand tears if she doesn't like her gift.

Anyway, I've been a bit... apprehensive about making holiday plans with JB because of my parents.  I think it might be a little different if it weren't my *last* holiday living at home.  I know he wants to see a movie on Christmas night, and while this wouldn't interfere with family time (if we go after dinner) my parents would still be upset if I went.  So instead of fighting with them about it, I think I'll just stay in.  The same goes for New Years.

As much as I like JB, I really don't want to upset my parents.

So yes.  That's that.

Just in case I don't blog between now and Christmas: Happy Holidays! I hope you enjoy all the food!

Tomorrow is my birthday

And if you guys would like, you can write me a haiku as a gift, but of course, you don't have to if you don't want to.

I'm usually not into poetry, but I've always had an affinity for haikus.  I think it's more challenging to work withing pre-set parameters than it is to "free style", but that might just be me.

I've worked out most of my family plans in terms of the holidays, and my birthday has been simplified down to "I'm not working around your schedule on MY birthday" so those plans were pretty easy to make once I decided that.

I will be 19.  Freaky.  It's the last of my teens, and I just realized that probably this time next year I will be at a vastly different place in life.  Both physically and mentally.  Once I complete basic training and tech school, the Air Force could put me anywhere.  And I'd be stupid to think that my mindset isn't going to change as well.

Here's hoping that I won't be such a socially inept ball of awkwardness! Or at least, someone with less inhibitions.  I always find myself holding back because of what my family might think, or because I just don't know how to handle situations, but hopefully if I'm in an environment where I can exist without the fear of knowing anyone it'll be a little different.

I wish I was a bit more like the character Jess from New Girl, which I know is a silly thing to say because she's completely fictionalized, but I admire how wacky she is, and how fearless she can be.  I mean, I can only aspire to be that open with people.

Wise words, Jess.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll have a birthday lunch spectacular with my family, I'll get to wear the boots that I bought for myself (that my sister is giving me for my birthday/Christmas), and I'm going to go see the Hobbit with JB.

Sounds like a pretty swell day.

I don't want to make plans

It's a good thing no one can hear my thoughts, because inside my mind I sound like a whiny little 5 year old.  I love the holidays.  I love my birthday.  Let me just say that now.

But I do not like all the headache inducing planning that I have to do for both of them.

Like, lets start with Christmas.  I have four Christmas family get-togethers every year.  This year might be the last one that I'll be able to attend all four for quite some time, so you can imagine my disappointment when my uncle's awful fiance decides to screw everything up and push our Christmas day plans with my dad's family to the 22nd.

She refuses to compromise on plans, and is making us work around HER schedule.  WTF. She's not even an official part of our family yet.  And if her past dating history with my uncle is taken into account, they might not even get married.  What makes it even worse is the fact that my grandma is going to be all alone with just her dog on Christmas day.  Not cool.

And now since we're rearranging everything, we have to contact other family members to let them know what's going on, and it ends up being a big mess.

For my birthday I'm trying to juggle when I'll be celebrating my birthday with my mom's family, my dad's family, and JB (we're going to go see The Hobbit!).

If everyone got along, I would LOVE to have just one big dinner and call it a night, but alas, they don't.  So I'm stuck here, making phone calls, seeing when it's convenient to celebrate MY birthday on Saturday.

I'm tired of planning.  I just want to DO and be happy.

Anyway, enough of my complaining, here's a picture of a Christmas tree butter sculpture they're selling at Walmart:

Nothing says "American Christmas" like commercialized art/food.

December!

My birthday is on the 15th!
The Hobbit premieres on the 14th!
Christmas!
New Year's!

I really need to start doing some holiday shopping soon.

I've already bought presents for my sisters, but I still need to find things for everyone else.

Especially JB. Any ideas?

Time to be honest

Today I got a much needed kick in the ass.

In DEPs we had a mock 8 week PT test, and I failed so badly.

I've hit a plateau. While I have progressed a lot from when I first started in June, I should be better. WAY better.

And it's all because I'm really good at lying and procrastinating to myself.  I will find any excuse to put off my additional training. These few weeks it was Thanksgiving and my stepmom having pneumonia. I' ve been taking care of my younger siblings and various things around the house, but I could have put aside an hour, at the least, every other day to run and work on my push ups. I've only run once in the past week.

This streak ends today. I need to get my ass into gear and set some tangible goals for myself.

So. Next week? This time next week I want to have shaved 2 minutes off my run time. I will do at least 48 sit ups within a minute, and 18 push ups within a minute.

It's time for me to physically ready myself for February.

Hiakus

3 lines
5/7/5

Bitches please hear me/
I will punch you in the face/
If you are nosey

Bill Maher, high five, man/
Please pontificate loudly/
To conservatives

Weed is not that bad/
Except, of course, in excess/
Like all things in life

3 months remaining/
My departure imminent/
I am so ready

Cuddling is nice/
Like sweaters and sweet hot tea/
During a snow storm

Texas seceding/
So beyond idiotic/
Seriously, stop

I like Thanksgiving/
But not my dumb, loud cousins/
Oh Buddha, help me

Everybody needs/
To calm the fuck down today/
Yes, including me

The Kimya Dawson/
Inspired this haiku post/
Via her Twitter

Disappointment

I've been meaning to blog about this since the news first broke, but life, you know.

So this whole affair thing that Petraeus had makes me sad.  For my non-US friends, Petraeus was a retired 4 star army general and head of the CIA (briefly), and his affair with biographer Paula Broadwell (who has a pretty impressive background) has not only permanently damaged his reputation, but Broadwell's as well.

I think I've mentioned my views on affairs before--- which was met with mixed response.  I just don't understand.  It might be due to the fact that I'm not a risk-taker.  In almost everything I do (sans art) I tend to stay on the safe, cautious side of things.  The idea of gambling with ANYTHING makes me uneasy, so when I hear about well respected and highly regarded people doing things like this, I just wonder, why?

They worked hard for all of their accomplishments, building a reputation that many would be envious of, only to have their credibility crumble because of an extramarital affair.

Marriage is not something I take lightly, and not for religious reasons.  It's a promise, and quite possibly the biggest promise you can make, to be someone's partner.  If the relationship doesn't work, get a divorce.  My parents marriage obviously didn't work out, but they knew when to quit.  They never cheated on each other, and it took them both quite some time to find someone else.

Cheating while dating I view to be a lesser evil because those types of relationships, in my mind, are kind of like trial periods.  While I don't condone it, I don't hold it up to the magnitude of cheating within a marriage.

I've never had the desire to cheat, but whenever I get unhappy in a relationship I end it.

And I understand how naive this post may sound to those with more life experience than me, but it's how I feel.

Despite all of Petraeus' pitfalls within his personal life, I still admire all the work that he's done.

Holy Cannoli

For the past few days I've abstained from blogging because I didn't want to spread my negativity around the internet.  A lot of little, nice things have been happening in my life, but then again, a lot of big, not-so-nice things have been happening as well.

BUT, instead of whining about it I've decided to share a collage of pictures that express the awesomeness of the fall season that I've experienced so far:

via my instagram

I'm a bit sad that I didn't write a little something about the US election results, but I did vote for the first time, and that was exciting!  I've always been a politically aware person and although I tend to get a little carried away IRL, I've become quite tame over the past few years.  It was nice to actually put my opinion to good use.  I know a lot of people are cynical about the election process because the electoral vote, and not the popular vote decides the election, but either way this time around, Obama won both, just like he did the previous term.  A lot of wonderful things were decided this election, such as two more states legalizing same-sex marriage, and to me that's proof enough as to why voting is important.  I sort of wish I lived in a swing state, though.

Anyway, I've also been watching a handful of documentaries and short films online, and if you have a spare 47 minutes to procrastinate with, I'd recommend watching Hearts and Crafts, which is available to watch online for free!  Even though I'm a Jew at heart, I've always appreciated quality, handcrafted goods and this documentary features leather craftsmen (such as those that make saddle-wear for horses and the designers of Hermes bags), jewelers, and glass-makers, as well as a few others.  The documentary just left me with a happy feel good type of vibe.

But yes, hopefully I can catch up on everyone's blogs and start posting more regularly!

Hello November

Man. I haven't been able to actually sit down and do blogger related things in quite some time. In fact, I'm typing this post on my phone.

Needless to say, I have been bombarded with stressful activities.

October was not a fun month, and even though it's only the first day of November, I have a sinking notion that this month will be equally as taxing.

Right now I'm going through an awful transitional phase with my parents in terms of "growing up", but other than that, I'm fine.

I'm constantly willing myself to look at the bright and positive side of things, and now I just feel tired.

So very, very tired.

Ah, well, so it goes.

I'll be damend if anyone tries to ruin my favorite season.

A lot of things, really.

Compared to the things that I have had to experience the last few days, dinner with my mom was a walk in the park.

She's finally starting to come to terms with the fact that I am indeed leaving in February, and there is absolutely nothing ANYONE can do to change that.  She gave me this long lecture about "God's plan" and how she now understands why things have turned out the way that they have.  If that reasoning helps her find comfort, then I am okay with everything.

A lot of things have happened between my dad and I that I don't feel I should publish openly.  I told the Blogger Family what happened, and they were very supportive and offered really comforting words that I appreciate more than I will ever be able to convey.

I've lost a lot of respect for my dad, and it will be a long time before the accumulated resentment will fade.  Without getting into too much detail, I was very shocked to find out that my dad and his side of the family is highly racist.  Like, they genuinely believe that because of someone's skin color, they are less of a person.  This is something that I can NEVER accept.

There's a lot of backwards logic because my dad married someone who wasn't white--- hell, someone who wasn't even an American, but that was ok.  I have always thought of myself as an interracial individual.  In the eyes of strangers and everyone that I meet, I am not white.  My dad, however, believes that I am and should therefore date/associate accordingly.

I will NEVER judge someone based on their race, orientation, or gender.  And my dad's "reputation" be damned, if someone is a good person, then I see no problem with any type of relationship with them.

I'm just thankful for everyone that was there  to comfort me during this conflict that was extremely unnecessary.

Right now, I'm so done with the entire situation.  I will be cordial to my dad, but everything is NOT ok between us.  I'm spending the weekend with Rebekka to sort of just clear my mind and get away from the negative environment in my house.

To end this post on a positive note, I sent my All Hallows Read book to Amy, and she got it in the mail today!  I've been watching my post like crazy for my package!  I have no idea who sent it to me, or what book I'm getting--- which adds to my excitement because I love surprises!

Anyway, right now I'm compiling an "Everything Will be OK" playlist to bring some brightness into my life, and I am doing yoga.  I am being zen.

Better now, not later

A few days ago I decided that I should probably tell my mom that I'm leaving for basic training in February.  A small part of me doesn't want to, but I know that it'd be really shitty of me to call her the day before, like, "Hey, I'm leaving for San Antonio in the morning. Sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

By telling her now, she can have ample time to "prepare" herself for my departure.  Tomorrow we're going to dinner so that I can tell her about it, and I know that every spare second of her time concluding our dinner she is going to try to find a way to talk me out of my decision.

I'm hopefully just going to strike up a compromise with her and promise to stay in contact and spend more time with her before I leave.  I know she's my mom, but it's emotionally draining being around her.

At least this issue will be easier to tell her about than JB.  I don't plan on telling her anything about him for a LONG time.  I want to save him from having to deal with her craziness for as long as I can.  My mom is batshit.

Things that have happened

That tiny little thing in the background? Yeah, that's my dog.

It's unusual for me to go this long without blogging, but since my family has started dog-sitting this monstrosity of a dog, I haven't had much free time.  A friend of my dad's is going through a particularly horrendous divorce with his wife, and until he has time to take care of the dog during the day, it's staying with us.  We usually pick up the dog at 8 in the morning and he doesn't go home until 9 or 10 at night.

Right now we're trying to get the dog healthier because it's REALLY overweight.  As you can see from the picture above, he sort of resembles a big furry sausage whenever he lays down.

Most of my time has been commandeered by the dogs, because if one wants to go outside, both of them have to go.  And we have to feed them separately, or else they'll fight over the food.  And they both have to be petted at the same time or else a shit-fit of epic proportions will be had.

Aside from the doggy situation, I was also preoccupied with cleaning the house in preparation of having JB over for dinner this past Saturday.  The dinner went well (I made eggrolls), and afterwards we went to go see Taken 2.  I would be lying if I didn't mention how panicked and anxious I was.  My parents tend to--- jump the gun in certain situations, and the entire time I was freaked out that they were going to freak out JB because they keep on projecting into theoretical situations and I'm just like, PLEASE STOP. JUST LET US LIKE EACH OTHER, OK?

Yesterday he came over and we watched a few movies together, but not without being bugged constantly by my little brother and dog.  Oh well.

Aside from my parents giving me awkward talks consisting of, "You better not get pregnant and quit the Air Force," things have been going well.

Just wait

As of late I've been noticing a trend among the people that I used to go to high school with.

They're all getting married.

And I'm just over hear, like, "Are we even old enough to do that?"

We're not even old enough to buy our own alcohol.

There's nothing wrong with being in love and wanting to be with that person, but marriage is such a big deal to me.

I don't really understand the rush of wanting to bind yourself to someone legally.  Is it that hard to wait until you're partially established and stable? We're all 18-19, either working, going to school, or doing something. We're just now experiencing the world.

I hear my parents talk all the time about their friends that married straight out of high school that are now divorced because they got married before they were ready.  They didn't even go to different colleges, or live in different cities, they just jumped directly into marriage. Then as they grew older, they realized that they were different people.

What's wrong with having a long engagement? What's wrong with waiting another two or three years? What's wrong with waiting until you're stable enough to support yourself?

It's responsible.  It's logical.  It gives a relationship better odds for survival and longevity.

I'm doing my best not to be a complete and total cynic, because I do think that some relationships will last, but the vast majority?  I feel like, at times, they're just clinging onto familiarity.  They're scared of having to move on, they're trying to prove that they can do "grown up" things by making life-altering decisions.

I guess all I can do is sit back and wish them the best of luck with their relationships.

Fun times

Look, I'm wearing a sweater!

I have been feeling perpetually tired whenever I'm at home, which is weird.  I don't know.  Maybe it's just the environment, but I always feel peppier around my friends.

Sometimes I just want to:

source

-curl up in a ball underneath my blankets and marvel at my social awkwardness
-drink lots of tea, with lots of honey
-watch Real Time with Bill Maher/Charlie Rose without falling asleep half-way through
-play the Amelie soundtrack repeatedly as I go about my day
-eat a bowl full of Count Chocula cereal
-stop over analyzing everything
-be more open with everyone
-lay in a hot bath until the water becomes lukewarm
-stop being so damn introverted

Ship date

Guys.

My recruiter just called me and told me that I have a ship date!

Ahhhhhh! I leave out for basic training on February the 19th! Exciting!

And, I'm going in under an Admin Aptitude area, meaning: I'm guaranteed an Admin job! Yay!

I'm going to go for a run, and then eat a bowl of celebratory ice cream!

p.s. I'm glad that I have a really shitty non-smartphone because I have been droppin' it like it's hot all week and it doesn't even have a scratch on it.

Shrinking/Other stuff

The other day I decided to actually unpack all of my sweaters and try them on, and to my dismay/delight they're all sort of baggier on me.

It's cool that I'm toning up and getting in shape, but at the same time I have this irrational attachment to all my sweaters.  With some of them it's okay if they look looser and baggy, but with a few of them, they're meant to be fitted.

Yesterday I scoured the internet for ways to shrink them down a size and answers ranged from: "OMG Don't do it, give the sweater to someone else who will appreciate it!!!!111" to "Wash in hot water, then pop it in the dryer and hope it doesn't shrink too much." to "Get it wet, then wear it until in dries."  Yeah. The last one sounds really comfortable.

INTERNET, WHY CAN'T YOU GIVE ME A CONSISTENT ANSWER?!

I have two sweaters that are wool, and I know that if I machine wash them they'll felt.  I don't really have an issue with them felting, but I still don't feel comfortable with just throwing them in the washing machine.

I read the labels on the sweaters and all of them said to either dry-clean, or hand wash in cold water.

Since I'm a scaredy cat I hand washed two of my sweaters in hot water and laid them out to dry.  Neither of them were 100% wool so we'll see how it goes.

If anything, I'll suck it up and give the sweaters that don't fit away and get some new ones.

Also, things with JB have been going well.  We still talk on the phone when he gets off work, and he's a really nice and awesome guy.  I just wish I was better about expressing my feelings and whatnot.  When I was hanging out with Rebekka Sunday she was telling me how intimidated she would feel to date someone with more experience than her and I was just like, "That's totally how I feel right now.  Naive, young, and very intimidated due to my lack of experience in terms of serious relationships."

But I mean, I have to start somewhere, right?

Another fun thing just happened as well.  While I was out running today I saw a cat.  Being the animal lover that I am, I had to stop and pet it.  After a few moments I continued on home, when I heard meowing behind me.  The cat had followed me home.

Oops.  Since we already have a dog in the house I couldn't take it in so I gave it a tiny bowl of milk and a bit of fish from dinner.  I spent a good hour outside playing with the cat, which I named Thom Yorke.  I hope that it finds it's way home, or at least to someone that can take care of it.  If it had a collar I would have called the owners, but oh well.  I live in a pretty decent neighborhood so I'm sure someone will take it in.

Gah.  I wish my dad didn't hate cats.

Oh, and I just saw this today, and it's probably the best response to being criticized about body image in the history of ever.

Date

Ok. So.

After my first date with JB, it's official.  I am the awkwardest person on the face of planet earth.

We looked at Halloween costumes, got frozen yogurt, and then saw End of Watch (which I highly recommend).

I'll spare you guys the extensive details of my debilitating social ineptitude and just say this: I'm lucky that JB is very patient, because at times I'm very oblivious to things.  And sometimes my brain stops working and it's just... awful and all I can think about is space, and how it's a vacuum, and how sometimes it's scary, but in a fascinating way, kind of like sharks. Space sharks.

BUT.  He wants to go out with me again.  Most likely because of our shared love of food and action movies.

So.  Yeah.  I'm not good about writing about feelings in this area, so I'm just going to go watch the new episode of Doctor Who and try not to cry because 1) Amy and Rory are leaving, and 2) It's the mid-season finale.

Sore.

It's so weird how things can change in a matter of months.

This time last year, I was in high school, stressing about senior year and all of my responsibilities.  Now?  I'm in the Air Force, stressing about my friends and their bad life choices.

But I think I talked about enough of that stress in my last post.

Yesterday I had my DEP work-out, and while it wasn't as bad as the last one, it was still challenging.  We had to do a 30 minute non-stop run, and complete at least 5 laps (each single one being half a mile).

Well, I didn't hear when the commander called time, so I ended up running an extra lap unintentionally.  Oops.  6 laps. 3 miles.  I felt like I was going to fall over from exhaustion.

Then this morning was leg day at the gym, and the entire work-out I fantasized about taking a deliciously long bath, followed by a nap.

And I was able to take a little 30 minute cat-nap before my friend Ashley, a girl in my DEP group, called me up seeing if I wanted to work out with her.

Mentally I was like, "Nooooooooo, I'm sleepy.  And my legs are tired.  And my brain is tired.  And my back hurts."  But, being the trooper that I am, I agreed.

The Gos is great motivation.

For the first time in the history of ever I actually completed a trail in it's entirety. In total we did 5 miles, 100 push-ups, and 100 sit-ups.  And my body is in pain.  But it's a good type of pain.  A type of pain that will make me stronger.

And, while tomorrow I will most likely feel the worst of my soreness, I can at least take comfort in the fact that a few months ago, I would not have been able to run 3 miles non-stop and then 5 miles the next day.

I am hoping that I completely recover by the weekend, because I have a date with JB, plus I think I'll be hanging out with friends as well.  Ah, and speaking of JB, last night when we were talking he told me that he liked me and literally, verbatim, I said: "Um, well.  I feel like I'm a really awkward person.  But I like you too."  So now that I've addressed the fact that I'm really awkward and shy at times, I feel a little bit better.  The rest of the conversation went smoothly and we talked about macaroni, bacon, and ice cream.  And how excited I am for the Hobbit movie premiere.

Martin Freeman is a perfect Bilbo Baggins, in my humble opinion.

Seriously though.  Martin Freeman, Benedict Cumberbatch, Lee Pace, and Billy Connolly.  All in the same movie? Yes please.

Anyway, I am now going to take yet another super long, super hot bubble bath in order to soothe my aching muscles.

Adieu.

What is even going on?

This blog is so convenient.

It lets me adequately analyze, and sometimes over analyze all of my thoughts, while allowing for some bonus input.

A lot of things have been changing in the personal lives of my friends, and myself as well.

High school relationships are finally starting to crumble, and while I knew, and perhaps even they knew it was inevitable, it still makes me sad.  Even though I was merely an observer in their relationships I still feel highly empathetic towards both parties.

A friend of mine recently broke up with her seemingly awesome boyfriend after he had been "trying to cheat" on her.  I personally don't know if he would have actually done anything, but he was actively trying to meet other girls to "hang out with" via chat-apps which was pretty sketchy, and then when she confronted him about it, he said it was because he had confidence issues and talking to those people on the apps gave him confidence.  Yeah.  Anyway.  The now ex-seemingly awesome boyfriend is more broken up about the whole ordeal than my friend is, but I still felt sad that their relationship didn't work.  I mean, before the whole ordeal he did make my friend happy.  For once she didn't hate the entire world like she usually did.  I guess she doesn't necessarily hate the world right now seeing as how she's already moved on, but still.

Another friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend of about 2 years, and I literally spent a good 10 minutes looking at pictures of them all happy and together, and then feeling even more sad.  I mean, they were so sporty and cute and compatible.  They had pretty much mapped out their lives post-university together.  Sadly, they decided to call it quits because they were too dependent on each other and were missing out on a lot of opportunities due to that fact.  Apparently they had also been fighting about said lost opportunities... She said they were still friends, so I guess they left each other on decent terms.  I don't know all of the details as of yet, because everyone just found out today that they broke up, so yeah.

I don't know.  Is it weird that I'm so emotionally invested in my friends' relationships?

And then while all of this is going on, I'm sort of in the beginning stages of a relationship type-thing with JB, and in the back of my mind I keep thinking about all of these factors that could spoil things, but mainly the fact that I will be leaving in the near future to go to basic training.  Albeit, it's only two months, but a lot can happen in two months.

I usually just tell my brain to shut up and stop thinking so far into the future about things, but it's just inherent to my nature.  I can't help it.

Ah well, for now I'm just going to enjoy things.  We've been talking on the phone at night after he gets home from work, and we've also gone out together the past three weekends.  He asked me out on a date, so we'll see how that goes.  I feel so... young compared to him.  Sometimes when we talk the age difference is so tangible because I'm fresh out of high school, just now starting my "adult" life and he already has a career and somewhat stable and routine life.  I feel very naive and out of my element around him.  It's not a bad thing though, it's just different from the other guys that I've been in relationships with.

And on top of all of this, another friend of mine is pregnant.  And, there's nothing wrong with being pregnant straight out of high school, but--- she's in college.  She's planning on getting a nursing degree.  Having a kid will definitely make that 100 times harder.  Also, her boyfriend is their only source of income, and he only makes minimum wage.  They barely have enough money to take care of themselves and their cats, how are they going to pay for a baby?  Diapers, formula, doctor visits, clothes, child care--- all of these things are very expensive.  And the thing that really infuriates me is the fact that they haven't been using reliable birth control.  They've just been tracking her ovulation cycle and having sex when she's "least fertile".  Yeah.  I know.  It sounds like a load of bullshit.  Probably because it is.

She and her boyfriend are excited about the baby right now, but later on?  When it's even harder to make ends meet? We'll see.

Man.  I'm going to bed.  I'm going to try not to freak out about my friends lives, or my own for that matter, and hope for the best.

Weekend Update: Hair, Friends, and Blogger bugs

Well, thusfar I've had an excellent weekend.

Today I went to lunch with a handful of friends and it was really nice to catch up with all of them, even if it was only for a little while.  We chatted mainly about our other friends and it was a split between being elated for the ones that are doing well and the ones that were worrying us post-graduation.  Conversation aside, I enjoyed some yummy macaroni from Panera Bread.  I love macaroni. So much.  Almost as much as I love bacon.

Rebekka and I are hoping to plan another get-together type thing for the art girls again around Halloween.  Although, now that I think about it, Thanksgiving might be a better time for us to have another party.

After our lunch, Rebekka and I went to visit her dad at his shop and the first thing he said was, "Lizzi, IS THAT YOU?!"  He then proceeded to shower me with compliments, which I received very awkwardly because I don't know how to properly accept them other than saying "Thanks!" in a really tiny voice.  He also told me he was really proud of me and how dedicated I was to the Air Force and getting in shape.  I never really notice how toned I've gotten until people point it out to me.  Yay for working out!

Also, I decided to straighten my hair for the first time this summer, and I didn't realize how long my hair had gotten!

The flash made the purple in my hair look more pinkish, but yeah.  My hair reaches down to my lower back.  I feel like a mermaid.

In other news, Blogger has been seriously bugging out on me.  Anytime I try to comment on a Blogger blog or even view my own dashboard it sends me into an endless redirection loop.  Apparently I'm not the only one having issues, but Blogger has yet to address the issue.  It's a fairly new bug that's only been bothering me since this weekend.

Anyway, I'm posting this by email, and I'm somewhat considering switching blogging platforms if Blogger doesn't address this issue within the next week. If anyone has any suggestions to an alternative platform (aside from Tumblr) I'd love to hear them!

Tunes

My allergies have made it really inconvenient for me to blog, because almost every thought I have consists of:  "Nnnghhh tissues... Where did I put the tissue box?" and "Ughhhhh my head...."

Even when I'm working out at the gym trying not to look/act sickly I feel like I'm in a constant fog.

Thanks, allergies.  You're a real pal.

But I go through this every year.  Anytime the weather changes I get hit with an onslaught of sinus issues.  Not to mention I'm really allergic to ragweed, which has returned this year with a vengeance.


Saturday I'm having lunch with 5 of my friends at Panera Bread, which will be interesting...  I'm looking forward to seeing my friend Andria the most.  I haven't talked to her in a really long time.

Also, my friend Madelyne half-jokingly invited all of the art girls to visit her down in Houston, and in the back of my mind I sort of want to take a road trip down there just to get out of town for a little while.  Not to mention, if we visited some time in October we'd be there in time to go to another Grouplove concert.


Anyway, I'm about to load up on more meds and drink some hot tea because I need to appear somewhat human for the weekend.  I can't have my friends thinking I'm a sickly little flower.  I have a reputation.

And now, here's a song that I've been listening to on repeat:

Seasonal Allergies

It's that time of year again!

Yes.  Along with the temperature slightly dropping from barely tolerable heat to pleasant warmth, there came a hoard of allergens that have made my life hell for the past two days.  In fact, I've been so miserable I even illustrated my new-found relationship with tissues.

via my Society6 page

Tissues, I don't think we should ever be apart. Ever.

But yes.  Whenever it's allergy season I'm not a happy person.  Every few minutes or so one can hear me complain saying "Ughhh my nosssseeee," followed by the gross noises of me blowing my nose.  Lovely, I know.

Out in public I'm less sickly, but it's mainly because I load myself up with decongestants  and allergy meds, but I feel really sluggish.  Ah well, my allergies usually only last a little while so I'll just grin and bear it for now and hope that a cold front moves in a blows all the pollen and weeds away.

Look/Feel

For quite some time I have followed the school of thought that how you look is proportionate to how you feel. For a lot of people it's the opposite, but I'm odd.

Since I am indeed a girl, at times I fall prey to little insecurities that most girls posses.  However, most of my turmoil was kept inside because that's just the type of person that I am.  I hold everything inside (but more on that later).  Because of that, people tend to get a skewed idea of who I actually am.

Often I give off an air of, "I could care less about what you think," which comes off as really confident to some people, but in all honesty it's just a defense mechanism.  It was almost like I thought that if I could fake not caring, eventually I would truly not care what people thought.  And it worked.  After 6 years of faking my indifference I actually genuinely did not care what people thought when it came to my appearance.

If they didn't like the way I looked? Screw them.  I'm awesome. 

But every now and then, little things would slip through the cracks and undermine my false confidence.  My hair was too unruly, too frizzy.  My teeth weren't white enough.  I needed to lose 15 or so pounds.  Most of these "flaws" were pointed out and perpetuated by my own mother.  Yes.  She's a winner.

Luckily I'm not a girl who's heavily invested in looks, so whenever these thoughts popped up I would erase them with all the things that I liked about myself, like my ability to not study for a test and still pass with a low A or B, or my ability to out-wit the jerks in my class, and above all else: the fact that people liked me because I was weird.

But back to my original point, I felt confident, therefore I looked the part.  Did anyone else know that I felt uncomfortable in my own skin at times? No.  I never let them see those insecurities.

Whenever I see other girls complain on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and other online venues about how much they hate their bodies and how they look I feel sick.  I feel angry.  

I feel sick that people honestly believe that if they don't fit a prescribed notion of perfection that they aren't worthy of anything.  And I feel angry at all of the people who complain for attention.

I guess I don't really understand the point in complaining about one's appearance.  To me, that's a very small part of a person.  I mean, right now I'm fixing all the things that I didn't like about my appearance.  I'm working out, getting toned up.  I'm taking extra care of my teeth and using whitener.  And the hair thing... well I'm just going to live with it.  I live in a humid environment.  BUT, the outside of a person is, just that: the outside.  It's changeable, if one wants to make the effort.

In my opinion, why complain if you aren't going to do something about it?  I mean, if you're lazy, just be like I was and feign confidence.  Put on an old t-shirt and jeans and tell the world to piss off.  You may look like shit, but at least you'll look worthy of something.  

Unlike thinking that you look like shit and vocalizing it.  When you do that, YES.  You will look like shit because you feel like it.  And you will give off vibes that make everyone else know that you're down on yourself.  That's not attractive! Stop it! Now.

It took time to be comfortable with myself and actually take steps to improving who I am, but it all started when I stopped complaining about how I looked. 

/end rant about dumb body issues. 

Three things

1. It's been a bit rainy lately, so my dog has started taking marathon naps on the couch.  This would be okay if she didn't mess up all the blankets and lay on top of them so that no one else can use them.  And then when we try to get a blanket out from under her she'll growl, get up, and then sit on top of us.  Ah, well, at least she's warm.

2. I've been drinking a lot of hot tea.  Especially peppermint or green tea.  Yummy!

3. I started painting!  It's only the first of many layers, but yes.  This is how I start the process.  Really messy.

Projects

Here's a better quality picture of the sketch I'm working on for my painting:

Taken in my backyard, hence the tree shadow...

I put in more line work and erased a lot of the smudgy pencil marks, and I think later today I'll sketch in some details for the planets...

Here's some of the knitted stuff I've been doing as well:

The one above still needs a wee bit more work before it's finished.  I ran out of yarn (again) so I need to go to the store soon before I can do anything with it.  But I love the color! I can't wait to wear it with one of my navy dresses.

And, another chain scarf!  I stitched the ends together so it's sort of an infinity-type scarf and it layers really well.  It's similar to the one that I currently have for sale in my Etsy shop, just longer.

So aside from working out and doing family stuff, this is what I occupy my time with.  Crafty stuff.  Gosh.  I need to get out more.

Crappy Picture

gah. so grainy.

I apologize for the quality of this picture, but I can't find the good camera, so I'm having to use the crappy one.

But yes, here's a sketch of my soon-to-be painting.

My legs are currently screaming in agony because of the rigorous leg workout I did.  But at least I can brag about all the weight I can push now.  Bubble bath, here I come!

Tribute workout; Apparently my awkwardness is cute

I'm currently typing this at one in the morning, so my terminology of day events ought to be referred to as "yesterday", but it still feels like "today" so please forgive me if I accidentally get the two mixed up in this post.

Anyway, yesterday for my Air Force DEP workout we did a Tribute to all of the 9/11 victims with an especially rigorous workout that pushed us all physically.  Needless to say, it wasn't the most enjoyable experience.

Here's a run-down of what we did:

• 40 burpees *
• 40 air squats
• 40 tuck jumps
• 40 push-ups
• 40 sit-ups
• 200 meter sprints x 4

*these were all broken down into 2 sets of 20

As usual, we had one person pass out because they didn't hydrate enough (by this point that's just stupidity) and this guy Micheal ended up puking after the work out as well.  Luckily, I was ok.  I wasn't the fastest, or the best, but I didn't quit anything and that's all that matters to me.  

I went home covered in dirt and sweat, tired and hungry.  But I felt good.  It made me feel really patriotic. Later that night my commanding officer called me and told me that he was proud of all my efforts and congratulated me on dropping 10lbs since the last DEP workout and asked me if I could speak at the next meeting to all the DEP members that are having issues with dropping weight.  In all honesty, I eat whatever I want when I get hungry, but I don't go overboard.  And it also helps that I go to the gym 5 days a week and run every other day.

After I got home from the workout I washed up a bit and made some eggrolls for dinner.  I swear, that's one of the few things my mom taught me that's actually useful.  I was so hungry, I ended up eating 6 eggrolls, some Cheez-Its, and about 4 cookies.  Yum.  And I'm actually kind of hungry right now.  Ah, well, I'll get a snack after I finish typing this up.

Before I went to bed I took the longest, most bubbly bubble bath ever.  As soon as I got into the hot water I was just like, "Ahhhh, my muscles..."  I stayed in the tub for quite some time listening to my Autumn music mix and just relaxing.  I never actually appreciated bubble baths properly until I started working out, but I take one almost every other day now.  I need to buy some more bubble bath... I wonder if I can find a pumpkin scented one?

But yeah.  Instead of making me sleepy my bath sort of woke me up, so I ended up knitting and watching Mysteries at the Museum on the travel channel until JB called me.  He works the night and afternoon shifts at the news station so he called me around 11:40ish and we talked for an hour.  It was definitely one of those "getting to know you" type of conversations, and of course my brain decided to call in sick and I forgot everything that I'm interested in aside from cheese and bacon.  Luckily, JB finds my love for cheese and bacon interesting enough to converse about.

After the call ended he texted me and said he thought I was "very cute" and can't wait to take me out again.  Well then.  I guess I should high-five my scumbag brain for deleting everything but cheese and bacon from my mind, because apparently my awkwardness is cute.

I still feel a little apprehensive though.  And not because of JB or anything.  No.  My apprehensiveness is linked to my dad, who would probably have a heart attack if I started dating anyone right now.  My dad still views me as his little 12 year old girl who always reads books and obscure Wikipedia articles.  His little girl that had a lot of guy friends because most of the girls thought I was really weird for watching wrestling and South Park.  And, I mean, I still do all that stuff, but I'm not 12 anymore.  I also think that he doesn't want me in a relationship right now because I will be leaving sooner or later, and he doesn't want me to back out of the Air Force last minute because of a guy.  But I would never do that.  I'm too committed and determined.

In the past I've been able to spare my dad the stress of having to deal with the knowledge of me with another guy by keeping all of my relationships low-key.  The guys usually went to another school and they NEVER met my family. Ever.  It was just easier that way because I knew if my grades ever slipped up, a boyfriend would be the first thing my dad would point out as "the issue."

The dynamic is definitely different with JB because he's already met my dad.  So we'll see.  I'll play it by ear and see where everything goes before I start freaking out pre-maturely about my dad freaking out.

Ha! Inspiration!

source

I've decided that my painting is going to be Doctor Who inspired! I've already started sketching out the TARDIS and everything and I feel so accomplished.

Currently I'm trying to find where my sister put the camera, but to no avail. Ah, well, I'll find it tomorrow.

Also, I've already started compiling a Fall mix CD playlist and anytime I listen to it I just want to surround myself with chunky sweaters and pumpkins.  I know a lot of people get annoyed by all the pumpkin flavored things during this time of the year, but I live off of it.  Mmm, pumpkin coffee? Yes please! Pumpkin cookies? Don't mind if I do! Pumpkin pie? I LOVE YOU.

Here's a list of why Autumn is the most kick ass season:

• Crunchy leaves
• Cooler weather
• Halloween
• Thanksgiving
• Sweaters
• Boots
• Warm beverages
• Pumpkin flavored everything

And, I'm very happy with the reception of my first postcard project! If I were to do another interactive art project like this again, would you guys be up for it?

Wonderful day

I love it when everything in the universe aligns and I have a wonderful day.

It doesn't happen all the time, which I guess makes it all the more precious when it does occur.

Today started out pretty lazy.  I woke up at around 8:40ish due to a text from JB saying that he had a fun time at the movies.  Then after I ate breakfast I busied myself with cleaning my room and doing laundry.  Tidying up my room is always therapeutic for some reason... Also, I always seem to find things that I've forgotten about, like my first Harry Potter shirt that I got in the 8th grade!

I can still fit in it too... sort of.  It's a little tighter in the chest area than what I remember, so it'll just have to be a "wear at home" type of shirt.  I don't want to besmirch the brilliance of Harry Potter with skankyness.

From 2-8ish I ran around town with Rebekka doing random things.  We went to Books-A-Million like we usually do and read magazines and gossiped about people and girly things.  For fun (and added blog content) I decided to document our reading choices.

Le me on the top, and Rebekka below.

As you can see from above, I fancy the Scientific American, Rolling Stone, Time, Wired, Mental Floss, and Newsweek, and Rebekka enjoys perusing Wired, Rolling Stone, Vogue, and Cosmopolitan.  Whenever we find an interesting article or factoid we always share them with each other.

One of my favorites from tonight's exchange was a story explaining why Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson with the director of Snow White and the Huntsman. According to the article, in nature, peahens like to steal peacocks from their mates because their appeal is higher than that of a loan bird.  In a human case study, women viewed pictures of men alone as well men with another woman, and it was found that most of the women found the men in the couple picture more attractive than that of the singular men.  Apparently they are more appealing because they've already proven themselves to have desirable qualities that make other women want to mate with them.

After a bit of discussion in the aisles of Toys R Us , Rebekka and I came to the conclusion that the article was full of shit.  We're not birds.  We're human beings with complex thought and reasoning, and using examples in nature is just a cop out.  Bitches will be bitches, and they will steal your significant others if they can.  I mean, whenever I find out that a guy has a girlfriend I'm just like, "Okay, we can still be friends, but let's keep a respectable distance between us so that nothing is misconstrued.  Also, broski, did you see the newest Mythbusters episode?"

Gotta respect the girl code.

Anyway, I also bought more yarn.  I started a scarf after my last post, but I ended up running out of yarn before I was finished so I decided to buy more.  Sadly, Hancock Fabrics was selling the yarn for $6.99 and being the Jew that I am I refused to pay that much for 102 yards of yarn, so Rebekka and I journeyed to Walmart to see if they had the same yarn, but at a lower price (plus, she let me use her employee discount!).  When we arrived I was sad to see that they indeed carried the brand of yarn, but not the color.  Instead of leaving empty handed I bought a different type of yarn.  It's a golden yellow color and it's SO SOFT. As soon as I picked it up I envisioned myself wearing it with one of my navy dresses and sipping tea at a cafe.  It's so autumnal.  I'll have to post a picture of it later.

Also, an update on my painting:  I did indeed sketch it out last night, but I ended up not liking the way it looked, so I erased all of it.  So I'm back at square one.  Ah well, the muses are fickle.

Oh, and before I forget, here's a picture of me eating the most delicious tortilla soup in my town:

Nom, nom, nom!

The waiter came up just as the flash went off and started laughing and all I could say was, "I'm sorry!  It's for my blog!" and he just laughed even more.  Ah well, at least he was nice about the odd situation.

To wrap up my splendid day I came home to a new episode of Doctor Who that was just BEYOND brilliant, as well as the news that I had won Lina's Polaroid camera giveaway for her blog's 5th birthday!

I'm very, very happy.  I hope that tomorrow is equally as grand.

Lawless.

So remember a few posts back, about hanging out with the guy from the gym?

Yes. Well.  We went to the movies today before he had to go in for work, and I wasn't completely awkward!

We went to see Lawless, which in my opinion was pretty funny, and I have to admit that the overall experience was fun.  I think I laughed in parts that weren't supposed to be funny... but whenever people get beaten with shovels I can't help but giggle a little.

I'm glad that my crippling social awkwardness didn't make an appearance.  I was actually able to make small talk and not sound like a complete moron.

ALSO, JB (which is what we'll call him... because that's his name) hates Nickleback. And Avril Lavigne. Win, and win.  And he likes pepper jack cheese.  This is good.

Anyway, tonight I'm going to stay up and watch the high school football portion of the news segment that he's on and actually try to understand what's going on.  I watched it last week and it was pretty good, despite the fact that I was like, "What? Oh hey, there's JB! If only I understood what he was talking about..."

So yeah. Hanging out with him was nice.

I think I have an idea of what I want my new painting to be... I'm going to start sketching it tonight and hopefully I can get far enough along to post my progress some time this weekend.  I love this giddy feeling I get every time I start a new project.

Mayte tweeted me told me that she got her postcard in the mail and I felt happy because she said that both her and her mom liked it.  Maybe I'll do another postcard project after I finish up with my painting.

It's knitting season!

Okay, so maybe not really.  Today I checked the thermometer and it said that it was 106 degrees Fahrenheit.

No thank you, mister sun.  It's September.  AKA, the beginning of sweater season.  AKA, the perfect time to knit, drink tea, and read epic stories about Middle Earth. AKA, my favorite time of the year.

Anyway, I did indeed start a new knitting project.  I have this heavy lamb's wool blend yarn that I bought over the summer and I intend to use it to create the most magical scarf ever.

Also, I'm thinking about painting something ambitious.  I haven't attempted anything large scale since school let out, so we'll see how it goes.  I still have no idea what I'm going to paint it over... Any ideas?

Ert werk.

Right click and open in a new tab to see a larger view!

I sent the postcards today!  So everyone that participated, expect something in the post in the near future!

Anyway, instead of outright saying which card was which, I thought it'd be fun to see if any of you can guess which one is yours.

I had a lot of fun tapping into my inner illustrator when I was drawing these.  I had a lot of imagination overflow that resulted from the project, and it manifested itself in a Society6 account.  So if you're interested in checking out random art things I've done you can look there.

I have to admit, I've been selfishly using Society6 for myself.  You know those cliche quote pictures that have been littering the internet as of late? Yes. Well, I made some for my personal favorite quotes and I'm going to buy prints of them for myself. Hooray for being self serving!

Yay! Quotes!

So yes. Expect more art updates.

IMO: Nice guys v. Douches

As of late, a guy friend of mine has been complaining about how girls don't want to date him despite the fact that he's a nice and decent guy.

And I was honest with him.

The reason why a lot of girls automatically "friendzone" him is because he lacks confidence.  He's always second guessing himself and putting himself down, even though he has no reason for his low self esteem.  He's good looking, he's nice, he's funny, and (bonus!) is good at art.  But what girl wants to listen to a guy mumble and make self depreciating jokes?  That just makes everything awkward.

Guys on the internet complain about assholes and douches always getting the girl, but think for a second.  Those guys have high confidence levels.  Confidence, above all things, is what sets guys apart from each other.

While douches lack refinement, they still have an advantage over shy guys.  They actively seek out women and are persistent until they succeed.  They take pride in their appearance and enjoy feeling powerful.  People tend to gravitate towards whoever gives off an aura of power.

While feminism has become a new facet of our society, women still enjoy being sought after and wooed.  Chivalry and gallantry, while some argue is archaic, is often rewarded.  I've yet to witness a girl telling a guy to piss off for opening a door for her.

If nice guys don't want to finish last, they need to grow some balls and step up to the plate.  I'm not advocating for guys to act like douchebags.  No.  Cockiness is not cool.  Being comfortable with oneself? Yes. That is cool.

In essence, that's what I told my friend.

Well, actually I told him to suck it up and grow some balls because I was tired of attending his pity parties every day.  Seriously though.  He complains about not having a girlfriend ALL. THE. TIME.

Tough love.

Touchy Subject

While perusing the articles of Hello Giggles I stumbled across this gem: The Real Reasons Girls Call Other Girls "Fat," and I have to say that it really made me think about how people function and cope.

Personally, I've never been keen criticizing someone's weight because I know that often there is a medical reason behind why a person is too big/skinny, but I do criticize.

My "cattiness" usually manifests itself comments about a person's shitty personality or lack of talent, and I couldn't help but wonder if this was a reflection upon myself, or if I was legitimately saying something constructive about someone.

Take for instance this girl that I graduated with.  Let's call her Princess.  She's very "loud" and "proud" in a Jennifer Hudson wannabe manner and takes every opportunity to show off her vocal abilities.

Sadly those abilities cause everyone within the vicinity to visibly cringe when she starts to butcher an Adele or Alicia Keys song.  Everyone talks shit about her voice, but she doesn't care.  She thinks her voice is beautiful, and haters? They gonna hate.

I almost pity her due to the fact that her delusion has ostracized her from a lot of people, but then again, she's also a mondo bitch who likes to fight with people.

Am I a bad person for laughing when someone cracks a Princess joke?  Especially when the joke is actually true?  Is making fun of her terrible voice equally as bad as criticizing her for her weight?  Are the Spice Girls going to kick me out of their fanclub for being cruel to a fellow female?

Thankfully, I haven't seen Princess since graduation, and I don't think I'll see her until the next reunion.  I don't want to be the reason why someone has insecurities.   

My house is officially a fire hazard.

A few weeks ago my dad announced that we were going to start taking the weekends off from working out in order to let our bodies recover. 

Ha.

Hahahahaha. So funny.  Because I have yet to experience a weekend that wasn't physically strenuous.

I spent most of yesterday and today helping pack up my dad's office so that we could move it into the house.  My parents are trying to cut down on expenses so that they can have extra money, and while getting rid of the office saves them $1000 a month, it also makes our house feel super tiny and cramped.

My dad's master plan is to use the extra money to pay off the family car as well as save up to buy a bigger house where he can have a separate room for his office.  Currently, by my estimation, that plan is going to take 5 years to show any results, but hey, by then I'll be moved out and (hopefully) travelling around with the military.

But right now there are boxes. Boxes everywhere.  And two huge desks, 3 bookshelves, 3 lateral filing cabinets in our living room.  And a ton of chairs under our car port.  Our neighbors hate us.  But back to the boxes.  They're piled floor to ceiling, and are blocking our front door and french doors that open up to our backyard.  So we now only have two exits: the back door and laundry room door, both of which are on the other side of the house.  If there was a fire we'd have to jump out of our windows because there are too many damn boxes to maneuver around.  Fun stuff.

But yeah.  After a full day of loading and unloading heavy office furniture and boxes full of books my body is in pain.  Luckily, my dad is in an equal amount of pain, meaning that we might get to skip our Monday work-out.  Gosh I hope so. I just want to soak in a warm bath for the rest of eternity while I read Harry Potter.

Well then.

The guy that I train with at the gym added me on Facebook, so I guess he can see how awkward I am online.  He probably thinks that I'm a crazy cat fanatic... which is true.

Also, I'm going to be sending an email out for those that are part of the Postcard Project.  I'm going to be mailing out the postcards later than expected, and since quite a few of you guys are going away to college I'll have to get the new addresses.  But don't sweat it.  I'll put all the info + more in the email.

And that's it for now.  I will leave you all with this portrait of my little brother that I did.

Just let me do my job, also, please STFU.

The anger that I feel right now is nearing astronomical levels.

Like, eye-twitching, "I want to throw plates at the wall and break things," levels.  Levels that make the F word my best friend.

From the time I was about 13 I told myself that I would never, ever, under any circumstance, work for my dad.  He is notorious for being an asshole.

When his tech guy quit on him last month I thought, "Hey, why not help out? What's the worst that can happen?"

Well, the worst is happening.

On top of him giving me crap when we work out at the gym for not being "farther along," I get bitched at for every single tiny glitch on the website.

And he treats me like an idiot when it happens, because "Hey, you went to school for this right? You should be able to fix everything instantly without troubleshooting."

NO, IN FACT, I DID NOT.  ASSHOLE.  EVERYTHING I KNOW IS FROM FUCKING GOOGLE.  I AM A HOBBYIST.

Also, his business partner has taken to editing the pages himself, so EVERYTHING gets fucked up, and even though I didn't do it, it's my fault and I have to fix it.

I know I'm not a professionally trained, and I'm no where near as proficient as their first tech guy, but they should at least let me do my job.  Let me edit the pages! Tell me what you need done! I will do it! With a smile! It's not rocket science! Just give me a second to do it! ----Because when you and your business partner touch the pages YOU FUCK THEM UP SEVERELY.

All of these thoughts have been brewing in my mind for the past, I don't know, two weeks?  Coupled with the fact that my dad is now making me do my sit-ups and push-ups in front of him because he thinks that I'm lying to him about doing them every night.... WHY WOULD I LIE?  When my back and shoulder muscles are constantly sore, so sore they twinge with pain, how can he think that I'm lying?  Sorry I can't do more than five push-ups in a row.  I'M WORKING ON IT. Every. Fucking. Night. I don't see his fat ass doing any push-ups.  Also, he should count his blessings that I'm being nice and not pressuring them for a paycheck right now.  I'm letting them pay me when their business starts to pick up (which it is slowly doing right now).

Despite all of the above, my anger usually only manifests itself in silence and defiant "Sure, ok"s.  I know it's not good to bottle up emotions and feelings, but I honestly don't feel like fighting with my dad.  He likes to fight dirty and say things like, "Well, if you don't like it here you can always live with your mother."

That shit hurts.

And plus, again, I feel like all of this is mental preparation for the crap I'm going to have to endure in basic training.  Assholes will be assholes.

After a weekend of wallowing in self pity, I'm starting to feel less bitter. I deleted a bunch of people off of Facebook, and I went from 454 friends to 397.

 I was going to delete more people, but then I realized that I could just hide them from my newsfeed. You never know when you're going to need to Facebook stalk old high school classmates for an ego boost. I did delete a lot of unnecessary people though, and by unnecessary, I mean unworthy of stalking.

 Anyway, I busied myself Sunday by working on various art projects which made me feel productive. I think a major reason why I felt the way I did is that I'm not busy. Seeing everyone else bustle about made me feel jealous.

 Although stressful, being busy and having almost no spare time makes me happy. I define myself by my actions, and if someone were to ask me about myself, I would simply explain myself through what I do. During the school year I was Art Club president, editor of the yearbook, in 6 AP classes, a volunteer, etc. Now? I work out, manage my dad's website and fix tech problems, and lazily create art.

 I end up with a lot of free time that I usually just spend reading random things or watching mindless television (i.e. re-runs of Chopped and Cupcake Wars). So yes. My game-plan is to keep myself occupied at all times with simple things like actually doing my laundry as soon as the basket fills up, and learning Hebrew.

 In other news, when I went to the grocery store this weekend I got a huge ass bottle of Louisiana hot sauce.

ERMHAHGERD. HERT SERCE.

Seriously though.  That bottle is as big as my head.

I can't wait to smear it on every salty food item in my house. I love hot sauce.

The end.

Nope.

So every time I log into Facebook I'm bombarded by all of my friend's posts about college, and to be quite honest I'm a little sad and bitter.

Also, I forgot to unfriend a lot of people that were from High Point, so it sucks even more because I'm seeing them at the university that I was supposed to attend before my life plans got rearranged.

Unintentionally I've been a bit angry at my parents and of course they have no idea why.  I'm not going to explain it to them either.  They can just endure my pissy attitude until I'm done feeling sorry for myself.

Right now I'm in the process of weeding through my 454 Facebook friends.  Hopefully it'll ease my poor attitude.  I think I'm going to avoid looking at my news feed as well.  I'm only going to check notifications and messages.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm happy for everyone going to college.  I really, truly, am.  But it still sucks for me.  And I think I'm going to take the weekend to wallow in my own self pity before I suck it up and carry on with my life.  I need to just let myself come to terms with everything.  Everything is more real.  I'm actually not entering university with my friends.  I'm actually in the Air Force, waiting for a ship date.

I know in a handful of years I'll look back and think, "Wow, not being able to get those student loans was a blessing in disguise!"

But right now? No. It still sucks.  After four years of thinking about nothing but going to a university, you can understand why it's so hard for me to adjust my mindset.

Ugh.  I'm going to stop now before I punch myself in the face for being such a baby about this situation.

Naps

All I want to do is sleep.  For days.

After a week of going hard at the gym, I'm beyond exhausted.  My muscles are all ache-y and the urge to dose off is always there.

Plus, getting on Facebook and seeing all of my friends leaving for college has been a bit... surreal.  I actually looked at the calendar today and realized that if I was still going to college, today would have been my move-in date. I would be up in North Carolina, getting ready for my freshman year in college.

But instead I'm here. At home.  Waiting for a ship date so that at least I'll have something to tell people when they ask me when I'm leaving for basic training.  The in-between is unsettling.

I just want to go to bed and wake up ready to start something--- instead of feeling so stagnant.