Look/Feel

For quite some time I have followed the school of thought that how you look is proportionate to how you feel. For a lot of people it's the opposite, but I'm odd.

Since I am indeed a girl, at times I fall prey to little insecurities that most girls posses.  However, most of my turmoil was kept inside because that's just the type of person that I am.  I hold everything inside (but more on that later).  Because of that, people tend to get a skewed idea of who I actually am.

Often I give off an air of, "I could care less about what you think," which comes off as really confident to some people, but in all honesty it's just a defense mechanism.  It was almost like I thought that if I could fake not caring, eventually I would truly not care what people thought.  And it worked.  After 6 years of faking my indifference I actually genuinely did not care what people thought when it came to my appearance.

If they didn't like the way I looked? Screw them.  I'm awesome. 

But every now and then, little things would slip through the cracks and undermine my false confidence.  My hair was too unruly, too frizzy.  My teeth weren't white enough.  I needed to lose 15 or so pounds.  Most of these "flaws" were pointed out and perpetuated by my own mother.  Yes.  She's a winner.

Luckily I'm not a girl who's heavily invested in looks, so whenever these thoughts popped up I would erase them with all the things that I liked about myself, like my ability to not study for a test and still pass with a low A or B, or my ability to out-wit the jerks in my class, and above all else: the fact that people liked me because I was weird.

But back to my original point, I felt confident, therefore I looked the part.  Did anyone else know that I felt uncomfortable in my own skin at times? No.  I never let them see those insecurities.

Whenever I see other girls complain on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and other online venues about how much they hate their bodies and how they look I feel sick.  I feel angry.  

I feel sick that people honestly believe that if they don't fit a prescribed notion of perfection that they aren't worthy of anything.  And I feel angry at all of the people who complain for attention.

I guess I don't really understand the point in complaining about one's appearance.  To me, that's a very small part of a person.  I mean, right now I'm fixing all the things that I didn't like about my appearance.  I'm working out, getting toned up.  I'm taking extra care of my teeth and using whitener.  And the hair thing... well I'm just going to live with it.  I live in a humid environment.  BUT, the outside of a person is, just that: the outside.  It's changeable, if one wants to make the effort.

In my opinion, why complain if you aren't going to do something about it?  I mean, if you're lazy, just be like I was and feign confidence.  Put on an old t-shirt and jeans and tell the world to piss off.  You may look like shit, but at least you'll look worthy of something.  

Unlike thinking that you look like shit and vocalizing it.  When you do that, YES.  You will look like shit because you feel like it.  And you will give off vibes that make everyone else know that you're down on yourself.  That's not attractive! Stop it! Now.

It took time to be comfortable with myself and actually take steps to improving who I am, but it all started when I stopped complaining about how I looked. 

/end rant about dumb body issues. 

On Planning

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
-John Lennon

You know what John Lennon? You and your pseudo philosophical quotes can suck it.

I cannot tell you how many times this particular Lennon-ism has been quoted to me. In fact it’s been quoted to me so many times that if someone does have the nerve to say it to me I might have to take some anger management classes due to the fact that I punched their face in. JUST KIDDING. I do not have anger management issues. But seriously, that quote, while having some truth behind it, is a misstatement. Every person who has quoted it to me has said it in a negative light.

Planning is good. Planning is smart. Planning implies that you are driven, ambitious, calculative, and determined. All fine qualities of a dictator productive human being. I like to make plans because it gives me something to work towards. For instance, I plan on working in an evolving workplace that is fast paced and exciting. Now I’m going to plan on making good grades so that I can get into a good college. Now I’m going to plan on making good grades in college as well as lifelong connections so that I can achieve my goal of having an awesome job.

See? Was that painful? No not at all. Did I miss anything fun in the process? No not at all.

Small term planning is also good. Planning a time to study not only makes homework easier to digest, but allows you to be prepared in time for class (not that I study like I should). Planning to hang out with friends over the weekend not only gives you something to look forward to, but gives you the opportunity to use your time wisely (as opposed to watching tv waiting for a friend to randomly text you).

For me, planning is my security blanket. My inner neurotic control freak likes knowing the details of something so that I can avoid disastrous situations. Knowing things ahead of time also gives me enough time to think of a plan B, just in case plan A fails. Like I said, it makes me feel safe.

Here are two people that quoted Lennon and ended up looking stupid:

1. Sophomore year debate coach: When I stated that my weekend was already “planned out” he sagely spouted the Lennon quote to me, and then went further mocking the fact that I used a planner and liked to map details out ahead of time in front of the entire class (which was composed of 10 guys and one other girl besides me). WELL GUESS WHAT. He should have planned on buying/using a condom because he knocked up his ex, who he promptly moved in with (because he was also broke). At the end of the year due to the alarming amount of parent complaints he didn’t get his teaching contract renewed. The only reason I know all of this is because he also liked to talk about his personal life. Not to sound like a complete bitch, but I made his job HELL for the remainder of the year because he mocked my love of planning. I heard from one of his former theatre students that he is now driving commercial trucks (aka 18-wheelers). All that money for a teaching degree? SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE COULD HAVE USED A PLAN.

2. Savvy. Let’s just call her that. Whenever we would talk about what we were going to do when we “grew up” she would mock me and my cookie cutter college-job-house-family plan. Often times she advised for me to go with the flow, and just not care about anything. One day she sent me the quote over Myspace (which I’m sure everyone has forgotten about) saying, “this made me think of u :P” Dearest Savvy, I’m glad I didn’t heed your advice because then I would be just like you and Sam (her bff): a single mom with a floundering baby daddy and crazy scary stretch marks. The thing with Savvy that bothered me is that before she was pregnant she would get drunk all the time, beg to borrow my homework, and still manage to flunk everything. Now that I think about it, she never really had any ambitions or goals. I think getting pregnant was the best thing that could have happened to her because now she does have to plan, and make responsible decisions for not only her, but her baby.

See? Bad things happen when you mock planning.

Sure, sometimes over planning can come off as neurotic, but I think it just shows that you care enough about your life, or the people in it that you’re willing to say, “Hey, you’re so important to me that I’m going to give you 2 precious hours that could have been used for work/studying/sleeping.”

Sorry. Yesterday someone told me that quote and I nearly spat my cranberry juice in their face and started yelling at them.

Take Home

I've been getting a lot of pressure from my ENTIRE family (sans my mom) to bring home a guy. And the thought that I will eventually have to bring someone over scares the crap out of me. With Shawn I was pretty lucky that he was so busy with boxing and work that the only spare time he had was to hang out with me. I also lucked out in the fact that T conveniently lived four hours north of me, and then once he moved closer to go to college he was too busy studying/gaming to be invited over. And Paul--- well that just wasn't going to happen.

However I'm fully aware that I'm not going to be able to give my parents the runaround forever. Eventually I'm going to have to bring someone home and have to get over my fears that everything will just be so awkward that I'm going to shrivel up an die.

I probably wouldn't be so freaked out if they didn't mention it to me all the time. My sister goes through boys faster than her nail colors (which change bi-weekly) and is completely fine with talking about her relationships and whatnot, whereas I'm extremely uncomfortable. Whenever I find something that I really cherish it's kind of one of those things where I just don't like to share or talk about it until I feel like it's... safe. I don't know. It's hard to explain.

Ugh. And with it being my senior year of High School they've been "concerned" about prom for me. I specifically got a request from my nice, yet senile grandma to not take a girl. WTF. I wasn't planning on taking a girl. If fact I was probably just going to ask one of my guy friends. My stepmom's request is to actually go with someone that I like in a non-platonic manner. Well, if I could somehow convince Anderson Cooper to take me to prom then perhaps I could fill that request. I just don't want to go with someone who's going to get plastered and puke on everyone before prom has even started. Plus from a parental standpoint going with a friend should not be taken for granted. At least I won't find out that I'm pregnant right before graduation like this one girl at my school.

What's even worse is whenever I go to family things, as soon as I walk out of the room and I hear all of the adults talking and 9/10 times they say something along the lines of "she does like boys... right?"

JESUS. Holy Mary Mother of God if I didn't like boys then why, pray tell, do I possess a mini shrine of Adam Lavine? Why do I run to the TV whenever I find out that Anderson Cooper is on? Why do I freak out when I discover that my childhood crush Christopher Connor might be coming to the U.S. from China (his parents are missionaries) to visit? Let me tell you, it's definitely NOT because I'm hoping to emulate their manliness.

Sometimes, when my parent's are being particularly dramatic they try to guilt me by saying that the only reason why I won't bring anyone home is because I'm ashamed of them. That hurts a little. The fact that they would make that assumption, and then accuse me of it upsets me. I wish they would just give me my space and let me work things out on my own terms. And I also think they should be counting their blessings that I'm too preoccupied with school, extracurricular activities, the news (and C-SPAN!), and art to get seriously involved with guys. I mean, my stepmom is always talking about her friends in high school who got too wrapped up in a relationships that they usually ended up screwing their entire lives up. So far, there are at least 4 girls in my grade who have gotten pregnant and guess what? It all started when they brought a boy home.

Ugh. I'm over all this pressure. I'm almost tempted to pay one of my guy friends to just come home with me and pretend we're dating for a week. Then we'll have a dramatic break up fight at the door and it'll end in him breaking a window out of anger. And then the cops will be called, and my parents will never speak to me about bringing home another boy ever again.

Everyone and their mom has a blog

Lately I have been feeling paranoid due to the fact that more people that I know IRL* are starting to blog/read my blog. While most of you might find this silly, I've been blogging since the 8th grade. Don't believe me? Check my 2008 archive that is so unbearable to look at that I've contemplated deleting it. I started blogging because it was the only way I could write without my mom snooping in my journal and demanding that my dad send me to counseling because of my unnatural obsession with Tom Felton and my weird drawings. No lie. I had to endure 2 years worth of counselling with a shrink merely due to the fact that my mom felt uncomfortable with what I wrote in my journal.

When I began I initially went solely under the pseudonym Bookish.Spazz, and never even DARED mentioning my real name or anything. Over the years I met some wonderful, like minded people who made me feel comfortable enough in my writing and the things that I shared that I became a little more lax about things (like becoming FB friends/Twitter followers, etc.). At the time a handful of my friends knew that I wrote a blog, and only my closest friends even had the URL.

But now? As I grew older, and as blogging grew in mainstream popularity more and more people at my school started blogging and discovering my blog. What makes it worse is the fact that things that I've shared with you guys (my wonderfully awesome blogger friends) are now known to people who I previously thought could have cared less about my personal life. At school I'm classified as the sarcastic, artistic spazz who often has contrasting opinions on pretty much everything (especially politics), but online I feel more like myself--- and the fact that people can read about my love/hate relationship with my grandma or my somewhat crazy mom, and other awkward things at times makes me feel a little uncomfortable because in person, it's really hard for me to talk about these things without cracking a cynical joke here and there and brushing things off like it's no big deal.

Earlier today I thought about removing some posts that I thought would offend people from my school, but the more I thought about it the more I realized how absurd that was. This blog is for me. The reason why I made it and kept it is because it not only allowed me to share the triumphs and high points in my life, but it also was a way for me to open up and get words of support and comfort when I was down. So you know what? I'm done being paranoid and uncomfortable with the idea that people that I know IRL read what I write.

If they don't like it they can just read the disclaimer off to the side and move on with their lives.

-----

Now onto another tangent. I've also been getting an influx of new commenters who just drop by, tell me I have a nice blog, and ask me to follow them. This bothers me. It's like a one night stand, but in comment form. This happened to me before, back when I was a blogging newbie and I naively took the bait and followed/linked them only to never hear from them again.

Let's get two things straight right here and right now:

1) I don't like popularity/attention whores in real life, so obviously that means that I don't like them online either. Getting new readers is awesome, but honestly it means nothing to me if they don't genuinely care about what I'm writing and their only ambition is to hit 1000 followers so they can brag about it to their friends. There's a difference between meeting new bloggers to become friends with and just using people to boost your blog up the ranks.

2) If you stumble upon my blog and just randomly decide to follow me, I'll check out your blog, and if I like it I'll follow it. It's as simple as that. Rarely do I follow fashion blogs because I honestly think most of them are just random girls who think pairing a heavy wool sweater with daisy dukes and stilettos is cool. It's not. It just means that you still dress like a 5 year old and you have no idea what the weather is outside. If I find a fashion blog that I like (ex. this, this, or this) then I follow it and I don't expect a followback because usually the blog is run by someone in the fashion/design industry and they have better things to do than read some 17 year old's blog. However I often get these follow requests from amateurs who are only trying to gain quick popularity and I just ignore them.

Anyways, I'm going to step off of my soapbox for now and call it a day.

*In Real Life

Acting out

I did it.

I finally cut my own hair. Sure to most of you people cutting your hair is nothing amazing, but to me, someone who's only ever cut their own hair once (when I was five) this is a big act of rebellion.

It's always been an unspoken rule in my house that Hair + Scissors = a lot of trouble. But after the day that I had, I had to do something to make myself feel better. As most of you know, my grandma is still staying with us until the 4th and her negativity has not only rubbed off on my sister, but my stepmom as well. This morning she jumped on EVERY little thing I said including harmless smalltalk. Needless to say I just didn't talk the rest of the day.

After lunch my sister abruptly left to go to her friend's house, leaving me with the brunt of our chores. Add to that, my grandma is constantly nagging me about stuff that's not even important. Honestly, she's always eavesdropping and everything she says is either rude, completely gross, or irrelevant. Sometimes it's all three.

SO. In light of those events I decided to do something for myself to let off some steam. It's been a good 6 months to a year since I got my last hair cut, and my hair has been riddled with split ends. No lie, about 3 inches of my hair was nothing but split ends.

My hair had been bugging me since April, and it was never the "right time" to get my hair trimmed so finally I just got fed up today and resolved to do something. After I cleaned up dinner I grabbed the scissors from my art supplies, locked the bathroom door, and hacked off a good 2 1/2-3 inches of my hair. I feel great. I didn't want to do anything to make my parents even more tense than they already are, so I decided against doing anything too outrageous. Plus, I doubt they'll even notice. My sister might, but definitely not my dad.

My family has been making jokes about how they can't wait for me to go to college so they can have me out of the house, and honestly I feel the exact same way at this point. I mean, when I leave I'll miss my baby brother and my dog, but will I miss all the crap they give me? Heck no. I can take criticism from my dad and stepmom, but when anyone else in my family (especially my 13 year old sister) criticizes me I get upset because I don't feel like they have any right to give me crap when I can't return the favor without being "disrespectful".

But hey, only a year more to go until college, and at least my hair feels healthy again! I'm just going to continue to lay low (family wise) and keep on doing little things to stay positive. :)

Little jerks amuse me

I remember going through my 'cynical' phase, and every now and then I get a bout of I-hate-the-world-itis, but for the most part I think I'm a little more... I don't know. Not hateful. At least not blatantly.

Anyways, my friend Rebekka was giving me and her boyfriend's little brother a ride home and it was interesting. She has a tiny truck that only fits 3 people, and even then you're a little squashed, so imagine a scraggly, pale, socially awkward freshman boy sandwiched between two girls. Yeah.

Now imagine that the boy had a complex that even Jung would describe as god-like with a twist of evil, and you've got that kid. He's a little on the bitter side and hates people, but specifically popular "preps" as he referrers to them. The few (and I mean few) times that I've talked to him I've been able to find humor in his antics, but this last time... Man, I really had to hold my tongue. The only person that he halfway likes/respects is Rebekka, and I'm pretty sure he's lumped me in with the rest of humanity that he hates, but that's ok, because This Guy now follows me on Twitter (but that's beside the point).

I was playing along with his anti social comment when the conversation switched to a few teachers that some people didn't like. I mentioned that I didn't mind this one teacher due to the fact that I had canoodled them into nominating me for senior hall of fame next year when the kid was like "What makes you so special? Only the preps get in it."

In my mind I was like, EXCUSE ME? I have a long, long list of accomplishments, not to mention I'm very personable and funny. Really?

Anyways, my ego puffed up as I explained to him that some teachers actually enjoy me as a student.

Yeah. I feel sort of like Seth Meyers doing a bit for SNL. Preps? REALLY? Who even seriously uses that phrase anymore? I'm not worthy of being nominated into the senior hall of fame? REALLY? And of course I have a lot of other choice things I would like to say, but they're harsh, and right now I'm kind of over it.

I just think it's funny when people underestimate me, or think that I'm not worthy of praise. While that last statement may seem egotistical, don't worry IT COMPLETELY IS.

Bad Monday

So apparently most of my extended family hates me because I lack the normal human skill of personal connection.

Guess what? All my life they could care less about what I said, and now of all times they expect me to want to talk to them? It doesn't work like that.

Maybe, just maybe the reason why my brain instantly shuts down and reverts to "observe" mode around them is because that's all that I was allowed to do for the longest time.

Sorry, but again, it doesn't work like that. I may be a partial snob, but at least I'm not a loud obnoxious pig.... ohhhhhhhh burrrrn.

Now that my rant is over, I'm doing NaNoWriMo!!

Are you?

Nobody cares. Ok, someone cares, but not me.

School is almost over. I just finished the last two official days, and since I'm exempt from all of my exams I only have to show up for attendance period, which is only ten minutes.

As my classes have wound down my patience soon followed in suit. Yesterday random B, and C students were sent letters to join ACADEC because we didn't have enough B and C students for a competing team. In fact, we have way too many students in ACADEC with A averages when only 3 can compete. Most kids threw them in the trash, which slightly irritated me, but one kid just came up to me and just went on this little tirade about how he didn't have time for it, and why did I dare recommend him, and a few other rude things.

No. I did not recommend him, and I would cut off my left hand if he ever joined the team. And, so desperately I wanted to punch him in the face and tell him that he could not use the term "busy" because being in band, hanging out with his jobless graduated friends and sitting on his ass watching Glee while never doing any of his homework could not be deemed worthy of the term "busy". I told him to try being a member of 10+ clubs and extracurricular and holding officer positions in 4 of those clubs, plus AP classes and all the other crap I have to do, and come back and tell me if he learned the true meaning of "busy".

That guy annoys the crap out of me. I tolerate his BS every day of school and you know what? I don't have to see him till next year. THANK BUDDHA.

I don't care that he's seen To Kill A Mockingbird 10 times. I don't care that he's too lazy to get a job and never has money to do anything. I don't care that his best friend graduated last year and goes to community college. I don't care that his parents are "cool". I don't care that all these teachers secretly talk bad about him behind his back.

Also, I wish he'd do his own work. HE'S ALWAYS ASKING TO COPY MY HOMEWORK. And when he doesn't copy work he never turns anything in. HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE IN AP CLASSES. He also does this thing where when we have class discussions he tries to be all deep and objective, but he just ends up sounding like an annoying jackass with a big ego.

ERG. And yes, you guys could probably care less about this guy I have to put up with, but seriously. There is always that one person that you don't like, but have to tolerate because you see them everyday. Those people should jump in an airplane and get lost on an island.

6-9-9

Slowly but surely my life is being invaded by people who do not need to invade it.

My mother is going to "surprise" me.

Her surprises always suck because the type of stuff she thinks could be a surprise is actually NEED TO KNOW stuff.

For instance my aunt Addie, who I haven't seen since I was seven is moving from the Philippines to America.

She wanted this to be a surprise for me, however she failed to remember that I'm friends with my aunt on Facebook, and right now her statuses consist of "OMG I'm going to the states soon!"

My mom still has yet to realize this. Fail.

But back to the point. I hate my mom's surprises.

Surprise! Here's this party I threw you, and I invited all of my friends that you don't really talk to!

Surprise! I'm going to have stomach surgery!

Surprise! Here's all this old stuff that I don't want anymore so I'm going to give it to you for your birthday!

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

I'M SICK OF SURPRISES. I wish my mom would just tell me stuff straight up instead of waiting till the last minute when it's too late to say anything.

Ugh. I'm so glad that I don't live with her because I'm thoroughly convinced it would be 3479283 times worse.

I need a sugardaddy

Letterman here I come!

I just realized that because of all the "elite" high school activities I'm in my parents are going to be broke soon after we buy all of my high school memorabilia.

No kidding.

Letterman : almost $200
Class ring for next year: $90 - $150
Class shirts, hoodies, pictures: $300- $500
Class activities, prom, graduation fees, etc.: around $3,000

Holy baby Jesus. My parents are not made of money, and Sonic unfortunately only pays $4.00 and hour to 16 year olds.

I've applied to 3 jobs so far with no luck. In my town there are currently about 45 managerial positions open, however no one in their right mind is going to hire a teenager to be a manager of anything. Also, job wise, there are only 7 jobs that I am actually eligible for.

I applied to be a flower arranger at Michaels..... aaaaand they laughed and told me that they're looking for people with "experience".

HELLO. Paging common-sense. How am I to ever gain experience if no one will hire me? Sadly, Toys R Us is only looking to hire bike assemblers, and I'm afraid that if I took that job there would be an influx of kids with broken limbs.

Hot Topic finally got a permanent set of employees... all over the age of 21! Maybe now I'll get decent customer service in there. My friend Ashley promised to sneak me an application for ULTA, but until then I will remain on the hunt.

I feel guilty for having to make my parents carry the full weight of my high school fees. I'm not an only child, in fact, I'm the first of four.

Oh well. I'm going to stay on the job hunt. Maybe JC Penny is hiring?

What are you now, like, my dad?

I can understand when my dad gets protective of me.
I can understand when he pushes me to be my best.
I can understand why his feelings get hurt when I don't include him in my life.

However I cannot understand when other guys in my life are this way also.

So what if I don't tell you what I do on the weekends. Are you my dad? NO.

It's one thing to care about someone, and it's another thing to pry into someone's life. I owe no one who isn't immediate family any explanations of my personal life.

Even then, I need privacy. There are some things that I could never explain, never tell people. This right now, what I'm doing is supposed to help me open up, but I'm tired of all the interrogations and whatnot from people I don't consider as close friends.

YOU'RE NOT MY DAD. STOP ACTING LIKE ONE.

I know, I want

I hate it when people tell me that I don't know what I want.

I want to buy mint chocolate chip flavored lip gloss.

"Boys get distracted and turned off when you have ice cream flavored lip gloss. You don't know what you want, get the strawberry first and see how it turns out!"

I want to buy Ayn Rand books.

"No one even reads her anymore except those creepy kids at Barnes and Noble. Plus, you're just going to catch the attention of random old people. You don't know what you want, you should buy something lighter first."

I want this specific kind of guy.

"You can't know what you want in a guy. There are so many types that you haven't even met yet. You don't know what you want, why don't you try dating around first in order to see what all you're missing."

I want this haircut.

"You're not a hairdresser, why don't you listen to a professional. You don't know what you want, just try this haircut, and if you don't like it, your hair will grow back anyways."


I may be young, I may make mistakes, but they're mine to make. I know what I want, and I'm tired of people telling me that I don't know. I do know, in fact, I can make decisions on my own. Granted, they lack the wisdom that comes with age, how am I to acquire wisdom, empirical knowledge, and experience unless I do things for myself.

Also, I don't want to try over and over, searching for something that I like, or that works for me, just because what I want isn't what people think I need.

I make it a goal in life to get what I want, not what I need, that way if I die tomorrow, I die happy and content. Also, oddly it ends up working out to where what you want is what you need.

Wonton Lady Gaga fan

Why is it that whenever people find out that I like Lady Gaga they're just like, "Really? Are you serious?"

You know what fans of death metal, followers of Dimmu Borgir? SUCK IT. Don't try to pull your elitist BS on me. Don't judge me because I can appreciate folk, punk, and other various forms of music at the same time.

At least Lady Gaga has some actual talent backing her crazy antics.

SUCK IT HATERS. And yeah, next time you think about criticizing my taste in music, remember who knows how to do the chemistry homework.

WORK.WORK.x10

Between all the piles of AcaDec work I have, and the other mountains of work and projects I have to do for classes I have managed to wade through and find my way to my blog.

Since my dad has gotten his new office space we've been moving stuff around the house, trying to make things less cramped. There are TONS of houses on the market in my city, however not so many in my school district.

Plus, since my school district is so "great" the housing prices are super jacked up.

Anyways, my life is a big ball of BUSY marked with a giant B. Not to mention all the stress of having to put up with JGraves and his quasi BS. I just found out moments ago that he straight up lied to me when I asked him if there was a tournament or not this weekend.

He told me it was canceled, but guess what? I have friends on the inside who told me that there is indeed a tournament this weekend, however since no one told me previously, it might be too late for me to sign up.

GREAT. My coach is so great /end sarcasm.

"the treatment" doesn't work on me.

It feels good to be back in the game, hanging with people, dominating, and just overall being in my element.

Saturday was my first Debate tourney of the season, and I have to say I think it went pretty well. My first opponent was cool Travis, a friend of mine from Atlanta HS. It was funny because the first time I debated him he beat me, but this time around I won. So now we're even I guess. I spent most of the tournament hanging out with him and Marley, walking around a lot, and discussing random crackpot theories.


I don't know how well I did because my parents had to pick me up early, much to my new coach's displeasure. Oh well. Apparently he's super pissed at me now, and I'm sorry, but based off of a priori knowledge from previous competitions most teachers let parents pick their kids up. He never told us his rules, he never tells us much of anything to be honest. When in comes to competition I feel left in the dark, and if any one KNOWS me they know that stuff like that doesn't fly with me.

I like KNOWING. If I don't know what's going on, I'm going to assume things that shouldn't be assumed. Also, what kind of grown man tries to emulate LBJ by using "the treatment" on a teenage girl. Yeah, real manly. I hope his ego has grown, because getting in my face and scolding me out in public really intimidates me /end sarcasm. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt after our first tiff, but he in all honestly isn't being much of a coach. And just so it's clear, I'm not backing down.

I'm going to be stubborn, and as much as I wanted to respect him, and try to move past our personality clashes, this last event where he blew up at me for something so little as wanting to have my parents pick me up at the end of the tourney is THE END of my part in trying to respect him. I will be cordial, but I will not be muted. If he blows up at me like this ever again, I'm going to drop the debate class and compete on my own.

Dealing with him is not worth it. And what's sad is the fact that it's just not me who's fed up with him. He gets so mad and loses his temper over the tiniest things. Maybe he's on hormone pills, or something. He didn't even acknowledge the fact that my parents were going out of town and that if I would have ridden with everyone else back to our school I wouldn't have a ride home, and even if I did my house would be empty. My parents had to pick me up because we had to go somewhere, and it was the only solution that would work.

However he still felt the need to scold, and even partially yell. Well, whatever. If he wants me off the team, then guess what? Most of the varsity will probably leave with me. If he screws me over, then I'll repeat that tenfold.

You don't mess with a hormonal teenage girl.

Catharsis

At this point I'm at a loss. From what I learned in therapy, denial and not dealing with pressing issues is never good, even though it seems like a good idea at the time.

All week I've been trying not to play up the thing between my mom and I, trying to get by with sarcastic remarks and "it just really sucks", however like my therapist always said, it's easier to move on if you share. It's also easier to find kindred spirits--- even though at this point in my life, I don't think anyone understands me unless one of their parents did what my mom did.

What did she do? Lets start at the beginning.

3 years ago she started talking to this guy. I'd like to refer to it as a long-distance relationship. They started 'dating' a little after I moved in with my dad. From what I remember they would always fight, my mom would get sick of him, not talk to him for weeks until he sent her a present, and then start talking to him again. Throughout the whole 3 year period it was like this.

Personally, I thought he was creepy back then, however I was also in middle school, and thought any mouth-breather was creepy.

About a month ago, without any warning whatsoever Josh, her boyfriend moves in with her. As I've stated before, he MOVED here. He lived so far away previously he had to take a plane down here.

It probably wouldn't have bothered me as much if she would have told me. Or anyone for that matter. Even my sisters, who live with her didn't know. Yeah. Talk about a douche move.

My youngest sister's birthday rolls around and my dad has custody of her this weekend. We make a big deal out of it, threw her a big party even. You want to know what my mom did over my little sister's birthday? She gets her marriage license and gets married without telling anyone AGAIN.

You'd think she would have at least told my sisters. And I'm not even going to lie at this point, I'm pretty hurt. All week I've been putting off, again trying to joke about it, because that's how I cope, but everyday she doesn't call it's like I get even more hurt.

I'm angry that I had to find out about her marriage by reading the friggin newspaper, and it's complete and utter bullshit that she didn't even ask my sisters if they wanted her to re-marry.

She has kids. She has an obligation to them, to me--- to make sure that we feel safe and comfortable with whomever she wants to be with. When ever my dad would bad talk my mom and call her names I used to get offended, but now I could care less. She's everything my dad has ever said about her, and it's taken me till now to understand that.

I've been playing scenarios in my mind of what would happen once we had to talk--- let me tell you: it involves a lot of yelling and crying.

What are we going to do for holidays? What am I going to do come December when her birthday and my birthday roll around? Will I ever be able to view my mom as an actual mother?

I don't know. Typing this out right now is bringing up all types of emotions, and there are so many different things that I'm not sharing because it just hurts too much.

And I'm sick and tired of telling my friends and hearing them go "That sucks."

Like they're passive. Just another thing to store in their mind under the little folder labeled "Things that have never happened to me that suck" ---I'm trying to share, trying to sort this out, trying to see if maybe, just maybe they might understand that I feel like breaking down every single time I think about my mom---- But no. I get, "That sucks." followed by, "Hey did you do the chemistry review?"

No I did not do the friggin chemistry review, I was too busy laying in my bed trying not to be angry at the world.

The only person who I can closely relate to at school is Miranda. At least one of her parents was shitty also.

I'm a teenager. I'm entitled to be irrationally angry. Right now I'm going to try to be relatively normal in front of my friends. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I need my friends to pity me.

I'm angry that my mom has pretty much ruined our relationship by being selfish. However, there's not much I can do but buck up, put on a strong face for my little sisters, and try not to let this ruin my year and all the fun I can have in it.

My mom owes me Therapy money

With all of the recent things my mom has talked to me about, or not talked to me about I'm going to have years of therapy and thousands of dollars worth of therapy in order to get my mind back in order and sort everything through.

First she tells me about her intimate life with her boyfriend... Yeah. Not the greatest thing.

Then she keeps my youngest sister out of school for a week.

And finally I pick up the paper and find out that she and her boyfriend are now married. Yeah. I had to find out by reading the newspaper. You'd think that I don't know, I'm her kid she'd inform me that I'd have a new stepdad.

She's the reason why I have affection issues.

She's the reason why I get so irrational of the tiniest things.

She's the reason why I'm never going to view monogamy in a positive way ever again.

Isn't my mom the best? Seriously, you guys, if you have a good mom, give her a hug or call her or something.

Lucie Manette + Hate

There is this girl in my grade who I share my classes with who I cannot stand. Supposedly she's lived in like every country known to man, and knows 4 different languages.

I don't know.

She's so annoying. If she's not bragging about all the places she's been and all the money her family has, she's showing off in a non humble way how she can speak and write in all these different languages. And she complains. About.Everything.Please.Shoot.Me.Now.

I doubt she's done half the stuff she's claimed to have done, but that's beside the point. Mention one thing about Korea; "OH I'VE BEEN THERE, AND I SPEAK AND WRITE KOREAN. Want me to write your name in Korean? blah blah blah I'm so cool, Daddy is a chef trained in some rare Korean cooking style, I lived in Japan for two years and I know everything to know about that place too. Oh yeah, last night I was up till 4am skyping with these people I met in China who actually live in England. I have a room full of stuff that could probably pay for 4 years at community college. I'm going to Yale so I can be a dermatologist and make more than the president."

Who in their right mind would go to Yale to be a DERMATOLOGIST?! ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?!

OMIGAWD. I honestly don't think she's THAT bad, but sometimes I wish she could be more humble, or something. Maybe quieter? No. Maybe just, I don't know--- Less annoying?

In AcaDec I wanted to like bang my head on the desk due to her annoying-ness.

I don't know. I'm going to TRY to maybe get to know her better.... but maybe that's not the best idea.... that might actually make me dislike her even more....

Maybe if she didn't spout off total bullshit 67.7% of the time I might like her better. Maybe. Maybe it's just her.

East Texan Ignorance

Today, around the same time at millions of schools across America students tuned in to listen to President Obama.

Well, excluding my school that is. No other school in my district is making this big a deal out of such a small issue. Did you know that we had to get a permission form signed to even watch it?! Yeah.

My school decided that just in case anything needed to be edited out they were going to pre-record it, then stream it the following day. I guarantee that no one threw a fit when Reagan or Bush addressed the students. I hate to say it, but the only reason why they're doing this is because 1) Obama isn't white, and 2) He's not a Democrat, and lastly 3) Most east Texans are cursed with ignorance.

Another thing that ticked me off was the fact that some people were like, "Yeah, I'm going to watch it just so I can see him fail."

First off, when Bush was first elected everyone had high hopes. No one wished him ill at the beginning of his term. I don't think any president should be criticized during the first to years because they are just getting acclimated to the whole "Dude, I'm president" idea.

My dad even admitted that he had high hopes for Bush, but around Bush's second term he started to get angry with the way he was handling everything.

I don't think that in these first few years we should get angry at Obama. We should keep high hopes and wish him well, not ill. If however, Obama is a total fail, then we can get angry, but for the sake of being good citizens of the U.S. all thoughts directed towards Obama should be pleasant because, after all he is in charge of our country.

Bullet me rants

- Why is it that the only worth while comment on my Facebook is from the one person I don't find worth while. What gives him the right to start a comment with "Hey beautiful" then give me such great suggestions about my case writing and philosophy AND THEN inadvertently give his college address to me?! I HATE THIS. Oh yeah, he wants to visit over Christmas and such to work on Spring Cases. FML.

- Why is it that no one gets my Gilligan's Island references? Are we that brainwashed by the MTV societal influence that we have forgotten the classics of television? What has this world come to?!

- Why is it that I feel like a total ahole, when there's a perfectly worse ahole as the new Debate coach. Where does he get off telling me I can't have tape! What an ahole.

- Why does my family keep pressuring me about guys? Are they worried that I'll be a spinster? Let me tell ya, I'd be one ballin spinster.

POO ON YOU JACOB ROOT.