In which I disclose what a mess I am

Right now I can't even handle my personal life.

Sometimes I wish I could just live at work.  I'm good at my job.  Well, I'm
learning to be good at my job.  There's still a lot that I don't know, but I'm still in my sponge stage and everyday I learn something new.

But then after work. Ugh.

For the most part, from what people tell me, I'm a pretty nice/chill person to be around.  

However when it comes to self discipline/control I'm lacking.  It's
painfully ironic because you'd think all of  my military training would have helped me with that particular quality, but it seems to have only made it worse.  In fact, I think these qualities developed after I joined.

I am very much so living in the present, and it's reflected in how I act and make my decisions.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not balls to the wall crazy, but I embrace spontaneity and doing things because they "feel right/good" at the time.

I don't want to tarnish the "Carpe Diem" mindset, but that's the current philosophy I'm embracing right now.

It's why if I see something I want, and I have the resources to acquire it, I do.

It's why I like going on crazy adventures and getting lost in new environments.

It's why I like pushing my own personal limits and boundaries.

This mindset has, however, contributed to the current mess that I have made
for myself.  I know that I'm in the wrong, and in no way am I contesting that.

The situation has just made it blindingly obvious that I need to reign myself in and try to find my center again, because I am out of equilibrium.

I'm out of control, I messed up, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

Late

When I was growing up I missed out on the whole "boy crazy" phase. Sure, I had my crushes, but nothing compared to what most young hetero girls experience. 

I was more interested in books, art, science, and the universe. I was my father's dream daughter. He never had to worry about reigning me in, or locking me away.

Now? I feel like a 12 year old little girl! Flirting, feeling shy, developing mini crushes, wanting to wear dresses all the time and look cute.

It's a bit unprecedented.

My current lifestyle caters excellently to this new craze that has overwhelmed my life.

Boys. Men. Everywhere. And as an added bonus: they're all in uniform.

I'm a hot mess.

July - week 1

Since I've apparently become very awful at blogging on a consistent basis, I've decided to slowly ease myself back into the blogging world by taking things week by week.  Hence, the title!

This week, aside from it containing the fourth of July (I'll spare you all my pictures of fireworks), was filled with many tiny awesome things.  I enjoyed feasting on funnel cake twice, I bought way too many dresses online from Forever 21--- I had to stop myself from buying 3 more today, and I lounged around and got to be lazy because I didn't have to go to work on Thursday or Friday.

In fact, when I'm not at work, I can usually be found lounging around lazily.  There's not much to do on base, and I have, self admittedly, become that girl.  You know, the one that moves to a new place, finds a new boyfriend and spends all of her time hanging out with said boyfriend because it's alarmingly hard to make new friends in the dorms.

The environment here is way more closed off.  I've met a few people here and there, but aside from that, I'm not really friends with anyone.  I don't have any friends to talk to or hang out with, aside from the people that I work with, which sounds really lame.  But of course, I've only been here now for a little over a month, so I should give myself time to make friends, right?  At tech school it was SUPER easy to make friends.  All you had to do was say hello to someone and start a conversation.  Here, everyone is so jaded.  They've been here for so long that they've already established who they want to be friends with and spend their time with.  They know all the cool places to hang out, all the little novelty places in the area, all of which are now rendered boring and lackluster.

Not having a large pool of friends is something that I will have to get used to for now.  And I don't really mind hanging out with my boyfriend all the time.  He's become my best friend because I literally have no one to talk about anything with.

Next week I'm going to go horseback riding (yay!) and also start FTAC--- which is pretty much a week of powerpoints, and maybe talk to my supervisor about taking leave some time in August.  I've been debating whether or not I want to go back to Texas before the holidays--- each time I change my mind... :/

Plane tickets are expensive, I REALLY miss my baby brother, I don't know if I should visit home right now... Decisions, decisions... I mean, I have more than enough money right now to make the trip, but I just don't know...

We'll see.

Adjusting

Oh boy.

I meant to write sooner, but you know how it is.  Life.  Doing stuff. Laziness.

I'm still settling into California--- still making friends and exploring the area, of course.

Almost every day I make a list of things that I just NEED to do.  Like: pick up my packages from the post office, clean the bathroom, buy stuff on Amazon for my room.

I didn't realize how many things I needed in terms of "homegoods" until I got here.  I spent a large portion of my last paycheck on pans, a tea kettle, and cooking utensils.  I still need to buy a few more dinnerware items, but that'll have to wait until next pay day.

And just buying little things like food, cleaning supplies, and clothes--- I'm just like, WOAH. I really need to reasses the meaning of want vs. need.

I want a knife set, but I don't need it right now.

or

I need to get wifi in my room, but it's not a priority.

It's hard for me to prioritize one over the other.  And I have the same mental battle for anything else I want/need.

Here's a list of things that I want/need, but haven't gotten yet because they're pretty expensive:

-A compass tattoo
-A rice cooker
-A new camera
-A mobile hotspot  jk. I just bought one.
-dinnerware set

I mean, this list is virtually infinite. But I decided to stop myself there.

Ugh. Stuff.

Things Happen

Well, I guess I'm at the point where I should elaborate on the fact that I recently broke up with my boyfriend. And by recently I mean this last weekend, while I was in the food court with my friends, I called up JB and ended things. It was pretty painless, at least, it was for me...

I feel like being away in a high stress environment made me realize what I did and didn't miss. It made me sort of prioritize who/what was valuable in my life. There were things that I did miss A LOT like my baby brother, writing/typing on a regular basis, music, naps, bubble baths, tea--- the list goes on. I missed a lot of the little things. Then of course, there were things that I didn't miss, like my dad being a dickhole, smelling like an ash tray 24/7, being dependent on my parents, this list can go on as well. But there was one thing that really nagged at me while I was there, and it was the fact that I didn't miss JB at all. I missed having the company of a male, but once I started talking to brother flight that issue was resolved. I kept on thinking, "It's just BMT. When he comes for graduation weekend it'll be different. I'll feel different." but I never did. If anything, when he visited it just confirmed what I had been feeling for the past 8 1/2 weeks. I didn't feel the same way he did. In fact, I was kind of overwhelmed by the magnitute of his feelings for me.

While at BMT he sent me a letter saying that I was "the one" and that he wanted to marry me in a few years. Yeah. My first reaction was a resounding HELL NO. Followed by a few oh shits. As soon as I could I wrote him back saying that I didn't see myself getting married in the next few years because I wanted to deploy and focus on my career. Yeah. After that letter I stopped signing off with "Love, Lizzi" and started just using the generic, "-Lizzi". I know. That was a dickhole move. In fact, I feel like a major dickhole, but I feel like it's better to be up front and honest right now, instead stringing him along and giving him false hope.

I know why he wants to get married so fast. He's 27. I'm not stupid. I know he feels the pressure to settle down and start a family, which is precisely why I broke up with him. I can't give him that right now. And even if I were to get married in the next few years, I'm not certain that I'd want to marry him. I just don't feel that way about him.

So yes. I called him and told him that I wanted to break up. End of story. He didn't really fight it. He told me that he loved me and that maybe if things worked out he wanted us to get together, but I don't think things "working out" or the lack thereof had anything to do with the end of our relationship. I just didn't feel right. It wasn't fair to him. I haven't been in the need of a relationship as of late. I've built up a good pool of guy friends that I hang out with because quite frankly, I'm burnt out of being surrounded by females. I was asked out yesterday by some guy who has been picking on me since I stepped foot onto Keesler. I promptly turned him down. Now, I'm just going to focus on passing all of my tests. I'm going to focus on my job, which is to wake up every morning, go to school, and defend the country. Easy peasy.

Tomorrow I'll post about my weekend adventures, but right now I'm just going to ramble.

I know I'm leaving soon. Like, duh, I've only been counting down all the days. I'm excited, scared, sad, happy, and everything in-between.

My parents, especially my stepmom, have been hounding me about my relationship with JB. Yes. He's 8 years older than me. Yes. My grandmother will probably disown me if she knew about us. They're like a broken record. Other things they say:

"We don't want you to throw away your future for him."

"He's already had time to find himself and get settled."

"Don't tie yourself down to one person so soon."

And I'm just like, HOLD UP. Did I miss the memo about when our relationship got that serious? Apparently I did.

Last time I checked, I'm still leaving in February... Whether or not I'm still in a relationship is entirely up to me. I'm still going to live my life and do everything I want to do, regardless.

I mean, while I'm away JB will have an interview with a news station in Mississippi for an anchor position, and I hope he gets it. It's been his goal to get a full time position in front of the camera, making the transition from behind the scenes.

If we break up because of the distance, that's ok. That's just life.

And I tell my parents this, but they're adamant in the fact that my relationship with JB is just a huge blemish in my life/future.

Why? He's honestly the greatest guy I've ever dated. He's really considerate, he's responsible, motivated, established... the only things I can fault him for is his persistence in wanting to take me to a scary movie, and sometimes he can be really cheesy.

If our relationship falls apart, that's ok. IT'S TOTALLY FINE. I don't know how many times I can repeat this.  Maybe I should get a banner made?

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have a long-term serious relationship* with JB, but with the directions we're going in... The most I can do is remain optimistic, and do everything on my end to make it work.

And whenever I tell this to my parents, they don't listen to me.  I know everything they're telling me comes from a good place, but I'm 19. I'm leaving home permanently in a little over a month.

I need to be able to make "mistakes" and trust my own judgment.

Am I crazy?

*I don't plan on marrying ANYONE until well after I'm old enough to purchase/drink my own alcohol at my wedding.