There's so much going on in my head right now.  It's crazy, jumbled, at times a little too much, but it's normal.    At least, that's what I've been told.

I get so tired of people asking me how I feel about leaving, how my family feels, how JB feels, and of course "Are you ready?" and I regurgitate the bland, "Oh yes, they're all excited for me. I'm a little scared, but I think I'm as ready as I'm going to be."

I know that I shouldn't be so upset over people trying to take an interest in my life, but sometimes I get so tired answering the same question over an over.  Like, how am I supposed to convey the feelings of others?  Because in all honesty my younger sister already resents me for leaving her to take over all of my responsibilities around the house, my youngest sister probably won't miss me that much aside from no longer being scolded about leaving her dirty clothes everywhere.  And Steven.  Poor little guy is only four, so he's still having trouble grasping the fact that I'll be gone for months on end.  And I won't even get started on my parents.

I recently became friends with a fellow trainee who shares my ship date, and it's been nice talking to someone that's going to be entering the same experience at the same time.  We met on the FEB 2013 AFBMT Facebook page where all of the trainees shipping out for the month can talk.  Not that many people participate on it, which is odd, because I've heard in the past that pages like this are very popular, but then again it's not advertised.  Most people don't really know to look for it.

Anyway, talking to him made me feel reassured.  In all honesty my situation isn't that bad. He's leaving behind a crazy ex-girlfriend that didn't want him to enlist, and an entire life that he had already started, whereas I'm just getting started.  I'm lucky that JB is so supportive, and he's already talked about visiting me as soon as I'm allowed to have people see me, which will be a while.

Like, aside from my graduation weekend, it'll be a few months before I get to see him.  My parents have been bugging me about having a long distance relationship, but that topic is for another post, at another time.

This weekend I'll be spending time with friends, trying to enjoy my last 19 days of civilian life.

Edit:  I found this neat little website that has slideshows for all 8 weeks of training if any of you are curious as to what I'll be doing once I leave.  I found some of the captions humorous.

As promised

I'm currently working on my bff surprise, which cannot be mentioned on here until I finish it (because she reads my blog) and I'm just so happy about it.

Today I spent part of the morning with JB before he had to go to work, and it was so wonderful.  We talked about a lot of things, like all the shit I'm about to face in basic training, and how he's sending out his resume and reels to different stations for sports anchor position--- future stuff.  Even though we're going in different directions I don't really feel scared about the fate of our relationship.  I feel genuinely happy that he's working so hard, and I really want him to get a sports anchor job.  I don't like bringing it up with my parents because they always give me this "your relationship is doomed" speech and lecture me about how we might hold each other back, so I just leave it out of conversations.

I had a check come in the mail the other day from judging the debate tournaments, and two more on the way. My bank account is quite happy.

I'm going to try to make a vlog this weekend, so we'll see how that goes... It'll just be another update in video form.

Have a great weekend!

The Fear

Sometimes, after I come home from hanging out with my friends, or even when I'm just spending time with my little brother, I get hit with this big wave of terror--- In three weeks I will be gone.

No more lazy mornings, playing dinosaurs with my little brother when he gets home from school, late night conversations with JB, cuddling with my dog- the list goes on.

And I know this is normal. Almost everyone feels this way. I'm making a monumental change in my life. It's ok to be scared.

I have these little mantras that I repeat when these waves hit, like
-basic is only two months of hell
-when the MTIs are yelling, listen to what they say, not how they say it
-after tech school, I can come home on recruit assistance for a week
-I will finally be fully independent
-I can finally display my relationship with JB on social media platforms
-I will no longer be constantly subjected to heavy smoking within my own home

Just to remind myself of the little details that seem to get lost among the panic.

To Do

There's so much that I need to do.  As of today I have 31 days until I leave.  A month.  Holy whatever!

I still need to:

• go to the post office to mail packages and buy more stamps (my parents are great procrastinators in taking me)
• pack my VERY LAST BOX (which honestly needs to be done closer to when I leave)
• use all my Polaroid film 
• take a freaking picture with JB already (I still have no idea why we haven't done this yet...)
• complete my surprise for my berst frernd
• buy last minute things for BMT
• take down all of my posters and wall stuff

With that being said, I don't think much will get done this weekend.  I'll be judging my 3rd debate tournament of the season (woo money!) on Saturday, and then on Sunday I'll probably spend time with JB.  I'm a little upset because I haven't been able to go to the gym for the past two weeks because I've been watching the house/dogs/my little brother for my parents.  I've been doing sit-ups and push-ups at home, but it's not the same as the actual gym.  And of course, since I'm actually taking care of living beings, I can't leave the house for a 30 min run or anything.

I know those complaints sound selfish, BUT I'M SO CLOSE TO LEAVING.  I need to keep working out so I don't get completely beat up in BMT. UGH. UGH. UGH.

What's worse is that my parents are catering to a friend of theirs, who I don't like at all, and I feel like they're prioritizing him over me.  BUT WHATEVER. I'll be gone in a month, whether I'm in good shape or bad.

I really didn't mean for this post to turn into a rant.... Oops.

About this gun stuff

I know I have to pick my words carefully as a member of the military, but I feel like I have to sort out my thoughts on the issue.

Today, as I was writing this, President Obama gave his proposal to reduce gun violence.  And I think reduce is a proper word to use, because when you have guns, you will always have some type of violence. Whether it's in self defense, national defense, or even game hunting--- there will be violence.

It's something you can't avoid.

For a long time I've been battling internally on whether or not guns, or any weapons for that matter should be accessible to most people, and I'm still unable to come up with a clear answer.  For the most part, I agreed with the things outlined in Obama's speech, which you can read about here.

I'm anxious to see how much of it gets enacted, and how quickly it'll take affect.

In December a friend of mine's younger brother was shot and killed.  I'll spare the details in respect for their family's privacy, but he was killed by someone trying to defend themselves.   Both parties were doing very wrong, illegal things, but I can't help but think that if the gun was taken out of the equation there wouldn't have been a fatality.  He was unarmed, and was presumably only going to "rough up" the other people. My friend's brother would have most likely ended up in prison, but to me, that's better than being dead at 17.  In all honesty, my own parents keep a gun in their bedroom for self defense purposes.  They've never used it, and hopefully never will, but it's just something they have that makes them feel safe.

I don't think civilians ought to be in possession of high caliber firearms, but in that same breath, I know that there is an army of people waving around their civil rights speaking the contrary.  In my own state and city there are people who are more concerned about their gun privileges than they are about what happened a little over a month ago at Sandy Hook elementary.  Gun stores are running out of ammunition as people begin to stock up in fear of no longer being able to purchase bullets.  I mean, it's ridiculous.

In the next few weeks I'll shed the last bits of my civilian life and assimilate into a life-style where guns are viewed in a vastly different manner.  While my job won't involve me using a gun on a regular basis, I'll still know how to operate one.  Maybe my opinions will change once I'm in.  Maybe I'll finally find that missing detail that will make everything click.

Right now, however, I just don't want anyone else to be hurt by these machines.  At least not innocent human beings.

Adventures with Polaroids.

So last week I finally got around to buying some Polaroid film!  I hate how ridiculously expensive it is ($25 for eight shots!) but I'm a sucker for nostalgia.  I still have some Polaroids that were taken when I was a little girl, and I liked the artsy feel they had.  I decided to do a little project with the film (I bought 2 packs, so I have 16 shots) where I took pictures of my friends and family and put them in my moleskine journal.  So far I've taken 5 pictures, two of which are of my little brother, because he found the concept of instant photos so fascinating.

My sister Kimmy was perplexed as to why I was so excited about low quality, sometimes out-of-focus or blurry photos.  Needless to say she's also confused as to why I don't find the members of One Direction super attractive. Hint: I don't like guys that look like they're fifteen and more waxed than I am.

Me and fellow blogger Aria! :)

Aforementioned little sister.

I haven't taken any pictures outside yet, but I really need to.  I feel like the colors would be more vibrant and less brownish/sepia.

Anyway, I'm glad I got to use my Polaroid before I left.  It probably won't be something I use often, just for special little things.  I'm thinking of maybe investing in a Fujifilm instant camera, just because they're more economical.  My friend Andria has one and loves it, and the film, while still a little pricey, is cheaper than buying from the Impossible project.

I'll post the rest of the pictures soon(ish)!

Tomorrow I'll post about my weekend adventures, but right now I'm just going to ramble.

I know I'm leaving soon. Like, duh, I've only been counting down all the days. I'm excited, scared, sad, happy, and everything in-between.

My parents, especially my stepmom, have been hounding me about my relationship with JB. Yes. He's 8 years older than me. Yes. My grandmother will probably disown me if she knew about us. They're like a broken record. Other things they say:

"We don't want you to throw away your future for him."

"He's already had time to find himself and get settled."

"Don't tie yourself down to one person so soon."

And I'm just like, HOLD UP. Did I miss the memo about when our relationship got that serious? Apparently I did.

Last time I checked, I'm still leaving in February... Whether or not I'm still in a relationship is entirely up to me. I'm still going to live my life and do everything I want to do, regardless.

I mean, while I'm away JB will have an interview with a news station in Mississippi for an anchor position, and I hope he gets it. It's been his goal to get a full time position in front of the camera, making the transition from behind the scenes.

If we break up because of the distance, that's ok. That's just life.

And I tell my parents this, but they're adamant in the fact that my relationship with JB is just a huge blemish in my life/future.

Why? He's honestly the greatest guy I've ever dated. He's really considerate, he's responsible, motivated, established... the only things I can fault him for is his persistence in wanting to take me to a scary movie, and sometimes he can be really cheesy.

If our relationship falls apart, that's ok. IT'S TOTALLY FINE. I don't know how many times I can repeat this.  Maybe I should get a banner made?

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have a long-term serious relationship* with JB, but with the directions we're going in... The most I can do is remain optimistic, and do everything on my end to make it work.

And whenever I tell this to my parents, they don't listen to me.  I know everything they're telling me comes from a good place, but I'm 19. I'm leaving home permanently in a little over a month.

I need to be able to make "mistakes" and trust my own judgment.

Am I crazy?

*I don't plan on marrying ANYONE until well after I'm old enough to purchase/drink my own alcohol at my wedding.

Midnight hunger/Flu

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For some reason, I always get woken up between midnight and 3 a.m. by hunger.  I usually drink some water and ignore it, but sometimes I honestly can't fall back asleep until I get a small snack to eat.

What is up with my body?  This hasn't started happening until recently.  I read that sometimes feeling "hungry" can actually mean that your body is "thirsty", hence me drinking water most of the time.  I don't know.  I'm a bit worried though, because if this continues on into when I leave for basic training I'm screwed.  There won't be any way I'll be able to sneak away to satiate my rumbly tummy.

UGH.

Also, I just found out that 2 people in my family have the flu.  And it's not your run of the mill flu, according to the doctor, it's the strongest strain one can catch--- even if one has the vaccine.  My grandma visited a few days before New Year's and unknowingly came over with the infection.  She left early to visit her doctor, who had informed her that she had a bad case of the flu, and pretty much exposed my entire family to it.  What's scary is the fact that she got the flu shot, and it still didn't help.

So far, I haven't been showing any symptoms.  I've been loaded up with vitamins and Airborne tablets, so I'm hoping that I'll be safe.  If I get sick, all of my plans for this weekend are doneskies.

Saturday (if I don't get sick) I'll be judging at my school's debate tournament! Ah, the perks of being graduated!  I'll be judging extemporaneous speeches, LD, and possibly CX debate.  Fun stuff!  And then Sunday I'm going to spend some much needed girl time with the Art Girls.  Possibly, between those activities I'll spend some time with JB.  He's a bit upset that I'm under quarantine right now, but it's for his own good.  I don't want to inadvertently infect him and have him miss work because he's too sick to go.

I really don't want to start 2013 being sick.

BUT, just a heads up to the Blogger Family members that I'm sending things to for the swap, I'm probably going to wait until the second or third week of this month to send things to you guys, JUST IN CASE.  Have no fear, I've sprayed everything in my room down with disinfectant!

Anyway, I hope everyone avoids being sick! Stay healthy, friends!