Thinking.

As of late I have wasted hours of my time on Pinterest and 9Gag.

My life now consists of DIY's and memes.... Oh, and homework.

Oh, if you guys only knew how applicable this is to me...

Anyways, I feel like after this week is over, things will start to get easier, and perhaps even--- dare I say it, better. My teachers seem to have just decided to throw everything at me this week (and as sadistic as it sounds, I'm glad that I'm not the only one struggling) and I'm nearly on empty. Tomorrow night I have to put together a presentation about my reaction to Obama's state of the union address for my speech class, and discuss three points about his speech. Seeing as how I've only seen snippets of it, I really need to actually research it out. It's currently buffering on Youtube.

Also, I'm thinking about buying a plant. A mint plant. So that I can pretend that I am a Koala eating eucalyptus. And I'm being completely serious. I might buy one later this week in fact.

This Friday I have an Art Symposium to attend/compete in and I'm really excited to see all the other artwork. I'm more excited to miss school, but whatever. I promise to take pictures.

Following advice

Some things--- that will be listed later, have been bothering me, and you know what? Screw them.

Now for that list:

-Having an essay and a research paper due tomorrow

-Having an art history test as well tomorrow

-Having someone imply that I would not be a suitable prom date

-Getting indirectly snubbed for prom... TWICE.

-Feeling inadequate

-Having to complete a study guide for Hamlet by tomorrow

Screw everything.

I'm going to work my ass of tonight and finish my homework, and if I have spare time I might study for Art History. As far as prom goes, well, screw that too. Just kidding. I'm working something out about that.

On the bright side, I'm about to go shopping. I don't really have time for it, but oh well. Time to indulge myself.

Doing better

So I watched this video by Luan Legacy today:

And I feel a bit dumb about my last post. Honestly, I was stressed. I still am a bit stressed and full of doubt about my ability to handle everything, but my friend Sayra shared this quote from Bertrand Russell with me that made me feel a little less crazy:

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are so confident while the intelligent are full of doubt."

So yeah. I've been doing better. And by better I mean that I've turned in two scholarship apps and I feel pretty good about them. Also I did well on the tests that I was worrying about, so I pretty much did all of that worrying for nothing. So. New goal: for every time I catch myself worrying about something I'm going to make an origami crane.

Also, today I was close to a panic attack due to some issues, so I took off my shoes, cleared some space in the art room and started doing some basic yoga. On the nasty carpet. With about 5 other people in the room.

It felt glorious. Oh so glorious to physically relax my body in the middle of the day. I'm pretty sure people thought I was insane BUT OH WELLZ.

Tomorrow I get to wake up at 5:30am and participate at an academic meet (yeah!) and MAYBE get some homework done...

So. No more sad blogs... at least if I can help it.

Not liking anything about anything.

So today has not been a particularly great day.

In fact, all of this emotional bottling is not healthy. After a while all the little stuff starts to pile up and my throat feels constricted and I just want to collapse into a pile of nothing so that I don’t have to feel so bad.

I don’t know. I just have a lot of anxiety right now, and at times I find myself thinking that I can’t handle anything. Schools seems too much, people seem too much, all the noise seems too much to handle.

And it doesn’t help that the rain is magnifying the gloominess that I feel sometimes. It’s like I have this impending fear of an inevitable doom brought on by failure. Today I felt like a failure because 1) I carelessly left my homework folder at home, and I had an English test today over the poems that I had annotated--- luckily my English teacher had extra blank copies, but I felt so irresponsible for not having my materials. 2) My Environmental Science and Art History tests were a bit difficult to say the least, and I didn’t think I prepared myself enough, again caused by my own irresponsibility. 3) For some reason I’ve been hit with a bout of low self-esteem, and although I usually just let negative feelings towards myself just roll away I just feel… lacking. Inadequate. Average.

I’ve been reading over the Holstee manifesto, and looking at this picture a lot:

But it’s not doing much. And I’ve been trying to be emotionally available for everyone else and I feel like I’ve just absorbed all of their troubles. And mainly it's been adults just dumping all of their personal problems on me, and I can't help but feel useless. I know it's impossible for me to help out in 90% of the situations, but still. I want to help. I can only be so assuring before I start to feel miserable... if that makes any sense.

College. Finishing up senior year. Doing well.

Everything feels impossible.

But who knows. I’ll drink some tea, sleep a little more, study, knit, and reassure myself that tomorrow will be better.

As Kurt Vonnegut would say: So it goes.

A letter

Dear staff member,

I am deeply not sorry that I yelled at you today in front of everyone. You know, I try to be nice, understanding, and even patient, but when I'm multi-tasking on 10 different things on once and I find you watching a fucking youtube video--- Well let's just say that you're lucky I didn't completely fly off the handle.

And then when I asked you to do something for me you replied defiantly "I'm not your minion."

Oh sweet Buddha, that statement completely ruined my zen. Then you continued to watch your stupid video. That was it. I snapped.

I put you in your place, and I could see the shock in your eyes.

Never in my life have I ever yelled at someone like that.

I don't intend on making it a habit, but question my authority as an editor? Be prepared to face the consequences.

Why am I busting my ass, day after day, with a staff of 30 people? I'll tell you why. It's because of the assholes like you that think they can get away with doing the minimum.

I have a surprise for you. If this was a job situation I would have fired your ass so quickly that you wouldn't even have time to think. Sadly I'll just have to settle with it reflecting in your grades.

I am not sorry. Do you job, don't give me attitude, and maybe, MAYBE I'll think about letting you on my good side again.

Good deals

Today I went out with Rebekka again and we did some shopping. Since I'm such a tight wad when it comes to spending my own money I usually just end up getting one or two things around 10-ish dollars each, if that. I don't like parting with my money over clothes... as odd as it sounds as a girl to say that.

Anyways, we set out to hit some awesome sales. My friend Ellen told me that Target was having a 70% clearance, and she bought a sweater there for $5, so that was the first place Rebekka and I went. Sadly, by the time we got there most of the sale had already been picked over, but I managed to score a pair of jeans for $6 and a new pair of mocassins for $6 as well.

I was kind of dissappointed that I didn't find any sweaters, so we headed to Kholes, which was a HUGE dissappointment, so we left immediately and headed for our favorite thrift shop where I bought a men's wool sweater. It's very hipster chic. (I would post a picture, but it's late.)

Upon my suggestion we also decided to go to Old Navy to see if they had anything. Lucky us, they were liquidating their stock because they were moving locations so everything.... let me emphasize EVERYTHING with a red sticker was $2.47 or less. Needless to say I am sweatered up. They're all wool, meaning that I can't machine wash them, but nbd, I have to handwash some of my clothes anyways, and in college I'll have a sink in my room, so it shouldn't be too bad.

Speaking of my college, I'll be flying up there in February for scholarship interviews!!! I'm really excited to finally visit. Sadly, I'm using money that I had saved up for summer stuff. I'm paying for my dad and I's plane tickets and hotel room so it'll be approximately $1,000, but I feel like now that I'm 18 I need to be able to start paying for stuff myself.

I don't know. I just feel less guilty about stuff in general if I pay for it myself. The only downside to this is being out $1,000. I mean, I have more saved up, but I wasn't planning on touching it until after college, or for an emergency or something. Oh well.

I honestly should be designing stuff right now, or writing my APES research paper... Eh, I'll get to it tomorrow.

All that prom stuff is nonsense now.

BECAUSE I GOT INTO COLLEGE.

Weekend update.

Ok, so I know it's Monday, but due to it being MLK day stateside I have the day off, and therefore today feels like a Sunday.

Yesterday I traipsed around town with my friend Rebekka and it was a much needed break from the chaos that is my family. Not bad chaos, just busy family of 6 chaos.

We went to the mall, looked at prom dresses, shopped for jeans (unsuccessfully because we are too cheap to spend money on ourselves), and helped a guy friend of ours shop for clothes (unsuccessfully because we are young, poor AP students that don't have enough time to balance a job and a GPA above 3.7), as well as seeing a great amount of other people from our school. While at the mall, my “dateless” situation came up. Rebekka, the lucky dog, has an automatic date because she’s bringing her boyfriend. We created a list of potentials which consisted of my friend Hang (asian friend who is a female) who moved to Dallas over Christmas break, Gary the sophomore (formerly Gary the freshman), and this one guy who is too old to take by one year.

Then, Rebekka had an epiphany. I should take our reluctant hipster friend. Like a good wingwoman she texted him the details and we both awaited anxiously for a response.

He replied first with a “why?” and then with “dammit” because the unthinkable had happened. A slinky sophomore from his algebra class had asked if she could go to prom with him.

The nerve!

The guy of course, not wanting to be dateless said yes.

And the reason why I’m so enraged is because she went to prom last year AS A FRESHMAN. (and if I remember correctly Natalie’s friend went through a similar situation last year)

Needless to say, Rebekka talked him into dumping her, but I’m not going to hold my breath or anything. I mean, he might not have the balls to take back the invitation. She’s just using him! ALSDKJFDSHSJK.

I’m just stressed because it’s crunch time. I mean, my prom is at the end of March, which is a mere few months away. All I want are some happy high school memories, dammit!

On the bright side, I now have this nifty bowl that I painted to match my Ravenclaw tile. It says “Quidditch Is Life” on it, and it has a cool little slot that holds chopsticks. So far I’ve eaten strawberries and banana pudding out of it (respectively).

Sorry for being so melodramatic and catty lately. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a female.

It happens

You know that awkward moment when someone is talking about you, and you just happen to overhear it.

Yeah.

That didn't happen to me.

Because I didn't "happen to overhear it" I was literally 4FT AWAY from the bitch, in PLAIN SIGHT.

So. This morning I went into the senior art room to do some much needed matting and framing for my pieces that I'm taking to competition. In fact, 9/10 times, unless I have to finish a lab for AP Enviro or make observations, I'm in the art room at 7:30 am until class starts.

Today was nothing different, I showed up at 7:25, put a mix CD on and got to work cutting matte board. No one was in the room. Oblivious, I'm jamming out to "What You Waiting For?" by Gwen Stefani when I hear the door open. About this time is when this one techy guy and his non-art girlfriend come in, and this isn't too different either because they usually come in a few minutes after me to sit there and chill.

And I say non-art because to my knowledge she hasn't taken an art class from my teacher and is only in AP Art History with me. I don't know. I just haven't really been impressed by her because she does poorly in AP and never turns in her work or projects on time, and when she does they aren't done too well. I don't now. Maybe I'm just saying this because I resent her after what happened, but I DIGRESS.

I do my best not to interject on their conversations, even though sometimes I want to be all "Actually, no," and yes, I know how pretentious that makes me. But again I digress.

They were chit-chatting it up when all of a sudden she verbatim (because I never forget things that verbally insult me):

"I don't really like the colors Lizzi used in her piece. It's like, there's not enough of them. I don't really like it."

And then her boyfriend awkwardly said, "Er, Derpette, Lizzi is right there...."

I whipped around so fast there was an audible flutter of papers behind me.

Internally I was all like, "BITCH PLEASE, AT LEAST I LOOK LIKE I COMBED MY HAIR THIS MORNING."

Externally I was all like, "Well, I only started painting it this week (Tuesday to be exact) and I haven't started putting in all the colors yet. What you're seeing is the first layer that's kind of a placeholder. But yeah. It's no where near finished. In fact, it's probably going to take a good week for me to finish it."

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't all peaches and cream about it. I made her feel thoroughly AWKWARD. Bitch. She tried to explain herself, but I was like NO, BITCH DON'T TRASH MY WORK IN PROGRESS. And I told her that if she had seen my previous work (which is all over the senior room) she would have known that I was NO WHERE near finished.

Later that day I apologized to her boyfriend for it being awkward that morning, and he said it was cool, because stuff like that happens. He even joked that he did the same thing a few years ago to this guy Jake who was innocently looking at his own art when walked up and said "Man, that piece looks kind of awful." IT HAPPENS.

And he and Derpette are perfect for each other.

And ok, I've put my foot in my mouth as well, but whenever I'm going to trash someone/something I AT LEAST CHECK THE ROOM TO SEE IF THEY'RE IN LISTENING RANGE. That, or I whisper or write a note. DUMB.

Art

So, for those of you who have been reading my blog for a while I'm sure you've heard me ramble about my senior AP portfolio where I have to have 12 breadth pieces and 12 concentration pieces. Well, here are my concentration pieces, in order of completion. My theme is prepositional phrases. It's a bit different than what most people do, but I didn't want to be ambiguous or too "deep". I wanted my theme to be something simple and self explanatory. I think if you click on the images you can view them larger, but I don't know if that depends on browser type or not.

1.Behind the Camera - watercolor & ink

2. On Top of - watercolor & ink

3. At the Party - watercolor & ink

4. Amid Others - watercolor

5. Reflected in - watercolor

6. About to - watercolor

7. Looking Inside of ---Ok, so this one isn't exactly finished... In fact I just started it, but my target deadline is to have it finished at the beginning of February since it's pretty big.

All of my pieces (I'm proud to say) are 15x20 inches or larger. It makes me feel smug to work this large. If I were working in oils or acrylic I would probably try to do something of epic proportions, but since I'm primarily working in water color I can't bring myself to work larger than 36x26.

Out of the above I'm taking 1, 4, 6, a conte crayon drawing, and my oil painting (from last year, which can be seen below) to the senior symposium at a local college, and then 6 and perhaps 2 (depending on whether or not I finish 7) to VASE competition.

But yeah. Balancing art, my AP homework and projects, and studying for my academic competitions (which I placed at this weekend!) is why I no longer have time to wax philosophic on my blog... Not that I did much of that anyways. :P

A lot of the people in my pieces are friends and people that I know IRL, but if you guys have a cool idea or concept for a prepositional phrase I should do, drop me a line because my creative juices are starting to run dry. Or if you guys want to be IN my concentration and you have an awesome reference picture of yourself that'd be cool as well :)

HOW YOU GUYS DOIN'?

Guess what.

Guys.

Next month I'll be participating in TWO art competitions. Speaking of which, I've been meaning to post pictures of my art... Oops. I'll get around to it eventually.

March I'll be seeing Young the Giant and Grouplove in concert!

Also prom is in March...

And then in April I'll be going down to good ole' ATX (Austin, Texas for my non-stateside friends) for a weekend of tomfoolery, good food, and college peeps.

I'M SO EXCITED.