So today has not been a particularly great day.
In fact, all of this emotional bottling is not healthy. After a while all the little stuff starts to pile up and my throat feels constricted and I just want to collapse into a pile of nothing so that I don’t have to feel so bad.
I don’t know. I just have a lot of anxiety right now, and at times I find myself thinking that I can’t handle anything. Schools seems too much, people seem too much, all the noise seems too much to handle.
And it doesn’t help that the rain is magnifying the gloominess that I feel sometimes. It’s like I have this impending fear of an inevitable doom brought on by failure. Today I felt like a failure because 1) I carelessly left my homework folder at home, and I had an English test today over the poems that I had annotated--- luckily my English teacher had extra blank copies, but I felt so irresponsible for not having my materials. 2) My Environmental Science and Art History tests were a bit difficult to say the least, and I didn’t think I prepared myself enough, again caused by my own irresponsibility. 3) For some reason I’ve been hit with a bout of low self-esteem, and although I usually just let negative feelings towards myself just roll away I just feel… lacking. Inadequate. Average.
I’ve been reading over the Holstee manifesto, and looking at this picture a lot:
But it’s not doing much. And I’ve been trying to be emotionally available for everyone else and I feel like I’ve just absorbed all of their troubles. And mainly it's been adults just dumping all of their personal problems on me, and I can't help but feel useless. I know it's impossible for me to help out in 90% of the situations, but still. I want to help. I can only be so assuring before I start to feel miserable... if that makes any sense.
College. Finishing up senior year. Doing well.
Everything feels impossible.
But who knows. I’ll drink some tea, sleep a little more, study, knit, and reassure myself that tomorrow will be better.
As Kurt Vonnegut would say: So it goes.
I hope things pick up for you. We all get a bad day but it sounds like you're having a bad quite a while.
ReplyDeleteAh, this is the story of my past couple of weeks as well. It'll get better. You know how I know? BECAUSE WE GRADUATE IN 4 MONTHS.
ReplyDeleteScrew everyone else. Take some time off for yourself, it sounds like you deserve it.
ReplyDeleteIt's perfectly alright to bugger off taking people's emotional baggage all the time; let them take some off you for a change.
And like Mark said, I hope things perk up for you real soon.
I agree with Ash. Sometimes, just avoiding and trivializing everything can be quite helpful. Kurt Vonnegut quotes also help.
ReplyDeleteI do understand the feeling. But, seriously, just know that you are freaking awesome. And like everyone has said, just use this weekend to try to de-stress. You're already accepted to college, right? So try not to work yourself too hard, and just enjoy the last few months of high school as much as possible! I know it's hard. I still stress out so much about school and then my friends yell at me like "why are you stressed?!" Well... we still are overachievers. We can't help it, haha...
ReplyDeleteI hope things get better soon.
you are awesome. <3
ReplyDeletelove you!