Females can be ridiculous.

Aha! So, as promised, a picture of my painting that now hangs in my bathroom, creeping my sister out.  I usually don't paint anything this abstract (I tend to be more portrait oriented), but I've been digging the gold/eye trend that's been floating about.  Also, as I mentioned before, the fact that it creeps my sister out really makes me happy in a demented way.  She gets creeped out by the silliest things.  For example: She goes CRAZY with fear and will run around the house screaming if she hears the Twilight Zone theme song, which is conveniently programmed into my phone.  I can't say much though, because I refuse to watch horror films unless it's daytime.  And even then, I try to avoid them.  I tend to have an overactive imagination.

ANYWAY.  Onto the title of my post, 'Females can be ridiculous'.

Yesterday I went to see Magic Mike.  Yes.  The movie about the male strippers.  I have no shame.

And I can honestly say that I went in with low expectations, thinking that there would be no plot and it would be all about the guys dancing seductively on a stage (don't get me wrong, the movie had plenty of that), however the movie actually had a decent story line, and Channing Tatum was a superb leading actor.

I was a bit disappointed that Matt Bomer, the actor I was most interested in seeing, was only in the movie for perhaps a combined total of 15 minutes, with no major lines.  Ugh.  That guy is too gorgeous to be playing second fiddle to Alex Pettyfer, whose acting lacked the zeal that his cast member's provided.  I mean, come on! With a face like his, WHY WOULD YOU NOT GIVE HIM A BIGGER ROLE?

I literally spent 5 minutes deciding on the perfect picture set of him to use, because  all of them are perfect.

 Then again, I think the majority of my disappointment towards the Matt Bomer situation can be chalked up to the trailers, which falsely lead me to conclude that he would have a role equal to that of the other actors.  Oh well.  He was still extremely sexy during all of his scenes.

Actual movie aside, I can say that my experience seeing Magic Mike was definitely different.  Instead of seeing it the day it came out, knowing that the theaters would be packed, my stepmom and I decided to wait until the day after.  We had cleared our schedules and decided on the 2:04 showing. When we got to the theater it was PACKED with women between the ages of 40-60 EVERYWHERE.  When we finally made it up to the ticket counters we read signs saying that Magic Mike had sold out for the 2:04 viewing and that the 4:40 tickets were going fast.  I deftly maneuvered my way to the front of the line and bought our tickets before they were sold out.

After going home for a short while we returned to the theater around 4:14, thinking that we were arriving early, BUT NO.  There was a roped off line, that was eventually the length of the entire half of the theater, of excited, middle to late aged women waiting.  Waiting to get a good seat, waiting to have their fantasies fulfilled, waiting to objectify gorgeous men, waiting to do who knows what.  It was ridiculous.  And it involved a lot of disturbing giggling from sexually frustrated grandmas.

The theater in my town wasn't even this packed for any of the Harry Potter films.

I nearly drowned in all the estrogen.  And the condensed mixture of perfume and desperation.

Among the throng of women were a few disgruntled husbands/boyfriends, but within the first five minutes they didn't stay disappointed for too long due to Olivia Munn's breasts being exposed while she exchanged witty banter with a nude Channing Tatum.  Of all the nudity in the film, I'd have to say 25% of it was female, and the rest of it male.  I wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone who is uptight about nudity and sexual themes (obviously because that's what a vast majority of the film consists of), but I do think it warrants a recommendation for those who are actually curious about the male dance industry and the pitfalls within it.  As cliche as it sounds, there was a genuine 'stripper with a heart of gold' theme interlaced throughout the film, and as soon as the credits started rolling I wished I could have continued viewing the different paths that the characters took.

Whenever I get upset that there wasn't more to a movie I take it as a sign that the writers did their job in getting me engaged and invested in the characters that they created.

Wait, did I just somewhat write a review about Magic Mike?  Huh.  It appears so. Well, I guess all I have to add to this review is a recommendation to give it a chance.  I know that I'll be seeing it in the foreseeable future again (if I can talk any of my friends into seeing it with me), and if anyone accuses me of being a wanton objectifier of men?

Pffft.  Chill out.  If guys can have stashes of porn magazines, don't judge me for having my Turtles board.

p.s. My grandma freaked when she found out that I was going to see Magic Mike with my stepmom, but suggested to my stepmom that she accompany the movie with 'the talk' beforehand, in order to properly prepare my young, innocent mind. LOLZ.  My grandma has no idea that the internet has evolved beyond AOL.

Crafts will save your soul

So despite my whining about my parents, I have been able to find solace in one thing: creating.  Whether it's painting, or making little crafts with my friends I can always just relax when I'm in the process.

Yesterday I went to my friend Caity's house and we bought cheap canvases and painted random things on them.  I neglected to take a picture, but I'll make sure to upload it for my next post.  It's a bit creepy, and I'd like to say that it's inspired by Magritte, but I think it's to kitschy to be Magritte.  Anyway, it's hanging in my bathroom now and it creeps my sister out, so I like it.

Today I made this awesome terrarium with my little brother, and we made a compromise with the plants that went in it.  I picked out the two leafy ones and he picked out the cactus (as well as the dinosaurs).  I've had terrarium fever for THE LONGEST time.  On Etsy I have so many cool ones favorited, but unfortunately many of them are $50+, and therefore WAY out of my price range.  However, I spent like $13 making the terrarium pictured below, so for my first terrarium, I feel like I did pretty well.

I want to make a succulent terrarium with a weird shaped vessel, however my recent trips to thrift stores trying to find something cool enough has not been fruitful as of yet.  So.  When I find the right glass container, I'll make another terrarium, because I have a sneaking suspicion that my 3 year old brother is going to steal this one away from me.

I can keep quiet.

Oh man.

Remember my last post when I talked about my parents lecturing me about not pushing myself enough?

Yes. Well, it hasn't stopped.

And, since I'm stubborn in an obedient type of way I just stay quiet and take it.  In my mind I'm yelling obscenities and screaming about how much I hate everything, but in reality?  I just take it.

I've never been one to argue with my parents, so the only 'resistance' I give them is the occasional defensive edge I get in my tone of voice.

I feel like this is good practice for basic training, when I have a TI yelling in my face telling me how disappointing I am.  I get a healthy dose of that crap right now.

Pushing myself

So, as most of you already know, I'm in the process of getting into shape before I have to leave for AF basic training (which is tentatively 4-6 months away from now).

Like I've mentioned before, I've never done any type of physical conditioning EVER and I'm starting at ground level, trying to build myself up.

Everyday I work out.  I push myself to physical exhaustion, sometimes even tears.  Whenever I go to the gym I'm always so determined. I give every workout 110%.

But sometimes I get so frustrated with myself.  I wish I could do more, be better at everything. I wish doing 20-30lbs on various machines wasn't hard for me.

And I know it's silly to be upset with myself, but sometimes I just want to jump out of my own body and yell, "REALLY? IT'S JUST 20LBS YOU CAN DO THIS." but my body doesn't comply, and still struggles to keep up with my mind's expectations.

And I KNOW I need to be patient. I know this.

But I can see my parents freaking out about how unprepared I am, which freaks me out, plus the daily lecture I get from them which usually consists of: "You need to start pushing yourself harder or else you won't be ready for basic." While in my mind I'm screaming "WTF DO YOU THINK I'M DOING RIGHT NOW? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M ABOUT TO BURST A BLOOD VESSLE/CRY/VOMIT/PASS OUT?!"

I know my parents are just trying to motivate me, but it still sucks. A lot.

It sucks to suck.

But I'll push through it.  I just need to find my inner peace and calm myself.

Is Ollivander's hiring?

Forealz though.

Because I'm on a wand-making spree.

I'm going to the post office tomorrow to mail off MY FIRST EVER ETSY SALE (a set of Ravenclaw cards) as well as one of the above pictured wands to Nicola. Guys. I'm obsessed. I think the only thing stopping me from making anymore wands is the fact that I need to go out and buy some chopsticks, because I used them all up.

Also, my book from the Blogger Family book exchange came in the mail today from Clair and I AM SO EXCITED. So. Very. Excited.

Especially since Clair left all her little notes and whatnot in it.  I've actually already read Crime and Punishment, but it was back in freshman year when I was trying to be all "hey there, I'm an intellectual" and whatnot.  I'm sure I'll get more out of it this go around :P

*EDIT I've now added a custom wand-making service on my Etsy!

10 3/4 Alder with a phoenix core, slightly springy

GUESS WHAT GUYS?

I MADE MY POTTERMORE WAND! (duh, I'm assuming you guys aren't blind.)

But yeah.  The other day I was on Pinterest (DON'T JUDGE ME) looking at Harry Potter stuff when I found this tutorial. At first I was like, NO WAY. NO FREAKING WAY WANDS ARE THAT EASY TO MAKE.

But lo, and behold, they are!

I was a bit nit-picky with mine and I wanted to get it as exact as possible, all the way down to the measurements.  So yes, my wand is EXACTLY 10 3/4 in. AND since I used bamboo it also happens to be slightly springy! Now, if only I could track down a phoenix feather....

Anyway, for all you Harry Potter die-hards out there, MAKE YO WANDZ. Go forth and fulfill your dreams of being the biggest nerd on the planet. But in all seriousness, I'd love to see how your wands turn out, because I like looking at cool pictures.

For all you folks out there who don't like Harry Potter.... Er, I'm sure there are some Hunger Game crafts out there :P

Better than expected.

Guys!

I didn't die during my DEP training!

AND, I wasn't the worst person there!

AND, I ran into an old friend who is also joining the Air Force and we're going to be DEP training buddies!

But in all seriousness, while the workout was rigorous, I was happy that I could at least hold my own in everything. During the work out we had to have a buddy (because air men always stick together) to do our exercises with. It was awesome because all of our exercises (aside from the running) had to be split between the buddies.  Meaning, if you sucked at push-ups (like me) you do as many as you could, have your buddy do the rest, and then make up for it by doing more of what your buddy sucked at.  We went to a local park and had to run a lap (of about a mile), do 100 push-ups, another lap, do 100 sit-ups, another lap, do 100 air squats, and then help encourage everyone that wasn't finished yet.

While people were competitive, at the end of the workout, we all encouraged each other to finish. It was awesome. THANK YOU GUYS for all the support on my last post. It really meant a lot to me. You guys have no idea.

ALSO, in accordance of awesome things that are happening in my life, I added two new items to my Etsy shop!

Just some good ole' Ravenclaw pride in the form of cards. You can check them out here!

Guys. I'm scared.

Today I have my first DEP (delayed entry program) meeting with my recruiter and the other DEPs people and I'm just plain worried.

I'm worried that I'll be the quiet kid sitting alone in the corner.

I'm worried that I won't be able to keep up with the physical training.

I'm worried that I'm going to completely SUCK at everything.

BUT

I think that it's good that I'm scared.  I mean, I've been scared by social situations before, and I've always come out OK, if not stronger in the end.

I'll let you guys know how it goes--- if I'm not completely dead by the end of it.

Because being emotionally repressed isn't cool

So.

You know those hives that my dad worried himself into because of my MEPs business? Yes. After two days of complete and utter misery he finally went to the doctor to see why they weren't going away.

When they got home from the doctor's I asked my stepmom if everything was ok, and she informed me that indeed, nothing was wrong aside from the stress that my dad had put himself under.

My dad is your every day, old fashioned, man's man. He rarely shows weakness, in my entire lifetime I've NEVER seen him cry, or even come close to tears, and he believes that men should be--- well, men.

However, because of this philosophy he bottles his emotions and the effects usually manifest in themselves in the form of a physical illness/ailment.

I am a lot like my father.

I don't like being overly emotional (especially in front of others) and if at all possible I try to hold everything in so that I can process it alone, or not at all.

I understand that I'm on a fast-track to ending up like my dad, but I find it increasingly hard to NOT hold everything inside.  Call me deluded, but since I am the eldest child I feel as if I ought be the most stable one.  I am the most stable one. Unlike my younger sisters, I don't upset easily, and I most definitely do not wear my heart on my sleeve. Being an emotional whirlwind has never looked attractive to me.

BUT, am I setting myself up to end up like my dad, letting my bottled up feelings affect me physically?

I don't know.  I feel like there is a fine line between being guarded and being emotionally repressed---.

I do a fair bit of my venting on here, which is good, because I always find that writing about things I find upsetting to be cathartic, but is that enough?

MEPs run down

Guess what guys? I'm officially sworn in as a member of the US Air Force!

I didn't think that I would be as excited as I am right now, especially considering the circumstances, but here I am. Excited.

The entire week before I had to leave for MEPs (military entrance processing) I did a crap load of research.  I am a very plan-oriented person, so I made sure that I knew EVERYTHING I could possibly know before I left to start the process.

All in all, I wasn't too worried (as no one entering the process should be) because it ended up going quite smoothly, despite a few bumps along the road.

At 12:20 p.m. I arrived at my recruiter's office, bag and documents in tow, ready to start my journey.  Before I left I had to do a final height and weight check before I left.  I wasn't too worried because just the day before I weighed myself at the gym and knew that I was a good 5lbs. below my max weight. HOWEVER, when I got there I ended up weighing more, making me only 3lbs below my max weight. Personally, I couldn't really understand how I had managed to put on two pounds in the course of a night, but I wasn't going to argue.

My recruiter was stressed out, and contemplated holding me back.  However, the next available time he could send me to MEPs wouldn't be until LATE June, so he told me that he'd send me, BUT for dinner and breakfast I couldn't eat anything but ice cubes and I had to do at least 45 minutes on the treadmill at a face pace on an incline in order to lose extra water weight.  I was cool with that, as long as I could start the process ASAP.

When I got into the shuttle I kept on reviewing all the things I did yesterday trying to understand where the extra weight came from, when I realized--- my hair, which was in a loose bun, was still wet.

FML.  I still did what my instructor said, and I didn't really notice not eating.

Anyways, when it came to the physical portion of MEPs (after the vision, urine, and blood tests) and I weighed in, I actually was 6lbs under my max weight. After the weigh in we did the duck walk, balanced on each leg and did various exercises, you know. Fun stuff. There were only 4 other girls, and we were all pretty chill with each other despite being in just our undergarments. For the actual medical check up we had to strip down and put on a gown that was made of--- I kid you not, paper towel material.  Most of the girls accidentally shredded theirs putting it on, but luckily I was especially gentle with mine and managed to keep it intact.

The only thing I found awkward was the breast exam, because the doctor asked if I had implants and I was like, "No...." and she just shrugged and told me it wasn't a big deal either way. I later found out that I was the only one she asked...

I don't know.  I personally didn't think MEPs was something to worry over, but my dad worried himself  into a fit of hives that he is still trying to recover from, and apparently the rest of my family was just as worried.

When I got home they asked if everyone was nice, or if anyone yelled at me, but honestly MEPs was OK.

Phase one, complete. Now I just have to ready myself mentally for my first trainee work-out on Tuesday. Oh man.

Suck it up

Well, after reading comments from my previous post I feel a bit relieved by the fact that I'm not the only person who has social anxieties.

Anyways, as I'm sure you all have gathered, I've been training for Basic (which I don't have a date for yet) and I'm literally starting at zero.

Throughout my entire life I've avoided all shapes and forms of athletics, resigning myself to being a bookish artist. That decision has obviously come back to kick my ass.

My dad and I recently got a gym membership so that I can build my upper body strength at this meat-head place. No seriously, 95% of the guys in there are extreme meat-heads, and the owner has body building trophies everywhere. My dad asked the guy where I needed to start in order to build my upper body and he directed us to this chart he had on the wall that has a run-down of exercises I needed to do, separated by days.

Oh man. I was mortified. There I was, surrounded by bulging, beefy dudes, who were lifting 150lbs without a sweat, and I couldn't even do 20lbs on most of the equipment. Not to mention, I had no idea what ANY of the equipment was called.

The owner was sympathetic, and told me that with time I'd get better :P

Also, most of the guys in there are pretty nice, and they usually just mind their own business and yell encouraging things to each other like, "GET IT, SON" "DO IT FOR YOU" "YA CAN'T GET ***** WITH THAT" while hard rock blares from the speakers.

Why my dad didn't get a membership somewhere more... I don't know, relaxed (?) I have no idea.

Also, I've added to my running. I now run 1.5 miles in the morning as well as in the evening. That is also kicking my ass. But I suck it up and do it, because what else can I do?

Social Anxieties

For the greater part of my life I've felt hindered by my inability to flourish in social situations. I mean, I've gotten better, but at times I can't help but feel overwhelmed by interacting with others.

It's hard to explain.

I do okay in small groups of people, but when I have to be in large groups, where I know no one, I shut down mentally. I'm very quiet, I usually stick to corners by myself trying to avoid eye contact.

However, I have no issues with speaking in front of large crowds, I mean I hosted a panel at UT Austin and things went smoothly, but for some reason I'm unable to make connections with people.  I feel paralyzed when I'm faced with meeting a new group of people.

Take, for instance, the AF bar-be-cue I had to attend this past Saturday. Out of the 20ish people that were there I only knew the recruiters and my friend Austin (who showed up 10 minutes late) so I just stuck near my family. It's very hard for me to initiate conversation with strangers, so again I felt paralyzed and trapped. My parents were "disappointed" with me and told me that I should have tried to bond with the other recruits, but I don't think they understand the amount of irrational anxiety I have when I comes to meeting people.  I mean, they were clearly already acquainted with each other--- which adds to my anxiety because I am already entering the group as an outsider.

I do better when EVERYONE is on the same level. I feel like it eases the tension.

Also, I hate talking to strangers on the phone. Hate. I can do it, but I always feel unpleasant, and I have to talk myself into making the call in the first place.

Now that I'm writing this out I feel so silly.  I'm a capable individual. I have no issue articulating how I feel to others, but I still find it hard to make that first step when I'm thrust into a big group.

I need to fix this.

Progress Report

Man. So much has happened since I last posted.

1- I bought my own phone, and I finally have a bill to start paying. It's a pretty shitty non-smart phone, but right now I don't really need anything fancy.

2- I opened my own personal bank account. Most people my age have already had one open for AGES, but up until now I didn't really have the need for one.

3- I manned up and bought myself a pair of Nike's to aid in my running. Gosh. There is a HUGE difference between cheap trainers and those of the more serious brand. Again, I never really had the need for them because prior to this whole Air Force business I've never really been sporty. Running is still a bit difficult for me, but since I run 1.5 miles 6 days a week it has gotten a little easier.  Hopefully by the time I leave for basic training I'll be somewhat in shape.  I'm getting a gym membership soon, so that should help as well. I seriously regret not being sporty during high school. All of this physical activity is kicking my ass.

4- I finally opened my Etsy shop! It took me longer than expected, and not all of my art is uploaded, but I got it up by June, just like I promised. I have been busy literally every single day since school has been out, so I really need to step up my game and finish more art so that I can list it. Anyways, you can visit my Etsy shop here!

Also, I'm finding myself in a bit of a predicament.  I've been meeting with my AF recruiter and we were talking about jobs that I can enter into and he keeps on pushing mechanical jobs. Not that I think I'm above certain jobs or anything, but my highest score in the placement test was administration. Mechanical was one of my lower scores.  I understand that he has a quota to fill and whatnot, but it doesn't really make sense to force me into something that I didn't score so high in.

I don't know.  After this past experience with my parents I know better than to let someone talk me into something that I don't feel 100% about.

This whole "growing up" business is tedious.