Out in the open

Last night I went to my mom's house and told her about my decision to join the Air Force.

Needless to say she wasn't excited, and now holds a lot of pent up anger towards my dad.

She went on this long rant about how in the Filipino culture it is the family's responsibility to do everything in their power to ensure that secondary education is achieved, and how she felt lied to because my dad told her that he had college savings tucked away for my sisters and I, and I just sat there.

I would be lying if I said that I don't slightly resent my dad. No one I know IRL really knows this, but junior year my dad gave me two options: High Point or community college. At that point I was devastated at how he could just limit my options like that, but I got over it. I got really excited for this university and focused all of my energy on it. I mean, it was better than staying at home.

Now, a year later everything has fallen apart. I trusted my parents and thought that if I did everything that they told me I'd be able to go to this nice university, do well, and succeed.

Now my dad tells me, after a year of telling me that going to High Point would be the best decision I could make, that he wouldn't recommend going there.

WELL DAMN.

I pride myself in being receptive and open to change, but DAMN. A year of my life, dedicated to one solitary goal--- pretty much wasted. About $2000 spent going towards that university (deposit, plane tickets & hotel for the scholarship weekend), OF MY OWN MONEY, gone. Plus, a lot of other unpleasant things happened that I can't really talk about, but pretty much resulted in a lot of bad blood, despite those decisions being for my benefit.

And I'm supposed to readily forgive them? And still trust them?

Sorry for being cynical, but I think I'll start relying on my own gut instinct from now on. Their advice, which I took and trusted wholeheartedly has gotten me nowhere. Since this thing started my parents have been like, "It's ok to be angry at us, but you have to admit this is partially your fault too."

HOW? Is it my fault that I was trying to make both myself and them happy by attending the university they pushed me towards? Is it my fault that I didn't argue and just tried to look at the bright side of things?

Sorry I didn't fight sooner to go to a different university. I should have at least argued enough to apply to another university. Whenever I told my dad that I had filled out applications for other places he would tell me, "Why waste the money on the application fee? You're going to High Point."

My stepmom told me that if I would have sat down and talked to my dad about attending a different university he probably would have let me go, but I find that hard to believe when anytime I had doubt about going to High Point he would just say, "Well, you can always go to community college."  To me, at that time, I felt like I had no other option, which is silly now in retrospect, because his opinion meant nothing since I would have been paying for college by myself anyways.

Last night I told my stepmom, finally after days of them prodding me, that YES I was angry that I didn't have other options. And NO I would not thank them for having a hand in my decision to join the Air Force, because after a year of working hard to AVOID going to community college, I'd be damned if I ended up going there anyways.

I'm so tired right now. I just need time to be angry.