Good day.

Despite being sleep deprived this morning I bucked up. I had a cup of coffee in my awesome camera mug and put on a cute dress and cardigan to celebrate the warm Texas weather.

My friend Rebekka and I have started having Best Friend Wednesdays in which we study/gossip/read a myriad of magazines at our local bookstore, so I did that.

I got a lot of compliments from my friends which I received awkwardly, and the coffee guy at BooksAMillion randomly gave me his employee discount (I'm guessing because I'm awesome) :P I have started a tradition of ordering whatever the coffee of the day is, and I guess that makes me 'exciting'. Also, I brought my Canon lens cup so that I could be all eco-friendly and whatnot.

Needless to say, he's on my cool list.

I then proceeded to attempt to study. But I actually ended up finding pictures of guys that I think are awesome.

Andrew Bird!

Seth Meyers!

And then this one guy came up and I think (?) he was trying to pick up my friend and I by using our horoscopes... yeah. He pestered us for a little bit, but we sort of just gave him minimal responses until he went away. He was a bit creepy... BUT that's ok. He was harmless.

So yeah. I'm hoping tomorrow goes well. I'm going to put on my happy face and trudge on! Spring Break starts March 12th for me, and I. AM. PUMPED.

Priorities

I'm in the middle of a late night homework session.

Well, it's not too late right now, but I have a feeling that it's going to end up being pretty late.

Why?

Because I have a mega load of catch up work to do.

And the new puppy, who needs love and attention, is impeding upon homework time. I understand that she needs to be played with. I understand that she's still being potty trained and therefore prone to accidents. BUT. I. HAVE. HOMEWORK.

My parents have been hounding me about my grades (I brought my economics grade up by TEN POINTS), yet at the same time they're like, "You need to keep your room clean" "You need to spend more time with your brother" "Stop being holed up in your room" "Pay more attention to the dog"

And I'm like, I. HAVE. HOMEWORK. And tests. And 2 major projects. GIMME A BREAK PEOPLE.

And then when I talk about all the reading that I have to do for the next day they're all like, "Well, that's what it's going to be like in college."

And I'm like, ACTUALLY, I'll have a syllabus in college. And I won't have more than five classes a day back to back. Also, I'll have more time to read because I WON'T HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF A PUPPY.

So here I am. 11:47 p.m. With a math review to finish, an economics worksheet to start, an english project and paper to finish, and an environmental science project and paper to start.

On the bright side?

I look good in a hard hat.

I have no idea what face I'm making in the above picture...

Scholarship Weekend

Man. This weekend was probably the longest, most enjoyable one that I've had in a while. As most of you know, I was given the opportunity to participate in a presidential scholarship program at my first choice university. I was, for lack of a better word, extraordinary.

For my personal sanity I'm going to break down my trip into two days.

Friday:

My parents woke me up bright and early at 2:30 a.m. so that we could drive to DFW airport and catch our first flight, which was at 7 a.m. Honestly, I slept for most of the drive up there, and I slept on the plane as well.

I've only ever flown international, so I wasn't used to how tiny the planes were. In fact, I was actually pretty shocked at how tiny everything was! It wasn't that big of a deal though, because my flights were only a few hours long. Nbd. Since I haven't flown in a few years I had to calm myself and do a little yoga. Ironically, when we hit turbulence my dad ended up freaking out more than I did. According to him, it was the worst turbulence he's ever encountered--- which is saying something because he flies A LOT. At the time I didn't know that it was actually that bad... in fact I thought it was just normal. Hooray for not freaking out!

So, note to self: yoga does wonders.

We arrived in Charlotte, NC and then had to catch a connecting flight to Greensboro, and that flight was equally as rocky. But as before, it didn't really bother me.

When we arrived at the airport we did normal boring airport stuff. A shuttle from the college came and picked us up, which was super awesome.

My dad and I kind of chilled in our hotel room until it was time to go to dinner.

The dinner itself was pretty cool. At my table there were kids from other states, and my dad actually became besties with one of the other parents at the table, and whenever I was at interviews or whatever they hung out, and I had the pleasure of talking to the guy's son.

And when I say pleasure, I really mean it, because for the first time I actually met someone who was truly like minded like me. It was weird, because we would have these random moments where we would say the exact same thing at the exact same time... And it happened a handful of times.

He hasn't committed to the university yet, (I think he's deciding between Wesleyan Illinois and Miami Ohio) but it'd be cool coming into the college with an acquaintance. Regardless, our dads exchanged contact info and have planned on staying in touch. Above is a bad picture of my dad (red tie) with the guys. The lighting in the room was flattering to everything but my ability to take a decent picture.

Like a networking goddess, I added everyone that was at my table on Facebook.

And here is a picture of the university president giving his key note speech.

Saturday:

I woke up bright and early at 5 a.m. and prepared for my interviews. Instead of taking the shuttle to the school we rode with my dad's bestie in a camaro that they had rented for the weekend, and when we got to the school we were instructed that the parents and students had to split up for different conferences.

Everything at the school was so beautiful and pristine. I was really impressed that the school lived up to, and even surpassed what was in the brochures. All of the kids there for the scholarship weekend were so nice, and so smart. I felt like everyone was there for the same reasons I was. It was a breath of fresh air.

I had two interviews, one being with someone from the department that I'm majoring in, and another was just someone from a random department. It was cool because at my first interview it was a professor and two of his students asking questions, and at my second interview it was the professor, her aid, and two of her current students. Both of my interviews went well, I did my best, and even if I don't get a scholarship or anything, at least I know that the professors and students are amazing.

And now for more pictures!

Overall, I really enjoyed the weekend. I love the university that I'm going to, and I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Maybe now I can stop stressing out so much!

I'll be back home tomorrow. I want to say that I'm excited to be going home, but when I have two projects due and a sizable pile of homework waiting on me... well, you know how it is!

Psyched up

Man.

I get to wake up at 2 a.m. in the morning so that I can go to the DFW airport and take a four hour flight to North Carolina. For my scholarship interview weekend.

Everything seems so surreal. I mean, I'm excited that I made it this far, but I'm also nervous.

I mean, honestly I'd be stupid not to be nervous. Way stupid.

GAH.

My friends have been awesome in reassuring me that I'll do well, but I have my doubts at times---.

Oh well. I will be awesome. I will get a scholarship. I will not freak out.

The past few days...

...have been rocky.

I don't really know what's been going on with my hormones or whatever--- that thing that causes emotional ups and downs.

As of late I've been hyper-emotional nearly incapable of keeping myself in check while in public. According to some of my friends, I just need a break from everything.

The only problem is the fact that I won't be able to take a break. Not with the tests, homework, and labs I have due next week. Also, I have my scholarship interview in North Carolina this upcoming weekend (that I'm really excited about) and there is no way that I'm letting anything keep me away from that.

While I would like to hang out with my friends in order to escape the high stress environment at my house, I feel guilty because of my little brother. Maybe it's because I'm hypersensitive right now, or maybe it's because he's started to notice that I've been around less, but every time I leave the house he cries and begs me not to leave and I can't handle it. Every time it gets harder to leave, and I know that it's only going to get worse.

But he's only 3. He doesn't understand what college is, he's never been separated from anyone in our immediate family for more than a week. Needless to say, I'm a mess right now.

I honestly think that I'll start to feel better after March. I've been preparing for prom and my interview and I've been high strung because of it. Friday I bought my dinner dress, and I have my interview dress, and my prom dress will be arriving in the mail in two days. I think I'm going to take a hiatus from dresses for a little while after everything is over.

BUT on the bright side:

The puppy thinks she's a cat.

The Stress.

Today was an "I want to slap everyone" type of day.

I found nearly everyone on my yearbook staff completely incompetent. Literally, I cannot take on anymore pages than what I already have. People need to WORK.

My AP Economics grade is seriously pitiful because my teacher hasn't put in the points from my test corrections. Aside from that I've been doing well on our recent assignments, so hopefully it'll bring my grade WAY up.

And I've had this raging headache since yesterday that has led to me popping advil, ibuprofin, excedrin--- you name it--- into myself, trying to find something that will alleviate the throbbing on the left side of my head.

My stepmom commented on how pale I've looked as of late and said it was stress. Apparently I'm not eating as much, and my eyes are sunken in, and my demeanor has changed. Well yeah. All of that is probably true.

But it's hard to be all shits and bubbles when EVERYTHING is going on at once. There's just too much. Last week was hectic because not only was I having to deal with yearbook deadlines, but art club was having it's biggest fundraiser of the year, and as president I had a lot of responsibility to ensure that everything was running smoothly. The fundraiser ended today, and I know that we made well over $500 in profit selling valentines flowers and messages, but add my prom stress to all of that and you get a fine mess of not so awesome. I bought my dress today (I'll post a picture of it later), but my friend that I was bringing flaked out on me so I am, yet again, dateless. :/

I'm looking to the brighter parts of my day though, which is usually either my APES class or art class with all of my friends who are equally as troubled as I am. It's nice to have a built in support group that I can see on a day to day basis.

To cheer myself up today I bought myself a mint plant, and I'm looking at stuff on Urban, seeing if I can buy something tiny to remind myself that I'm awesome. This self esteem trip doesn't bode well for my scholarship interviews next weekend so I'm trying to surround myself with positivity.

I heard that mint leaves help relieve stress. I'm hoping they do.

This was my day.

Today was… non eventful.

I participated in an art competition and I felt a little less than validated.

I’ve worked so hard on my senior portfolio. So hard. Day after day I do my best to produce something that I can be proud of. I picked my two strongest pieces. I had good interviews. I spoke well. I conveyed what I wanted my judges to hear but I fell short.

And it sucked.

After everyone finishes their interviews the judges lay out all of the pieces from different divisions that made 4s (on a scale of 1-4). In a decent sized hallway 500+ people tried to squeeze past each other to view the advancing artwork. I don’t even know how to properly express how I felt when I looked at all the pieces and didn’t see mine on the floor. Every senior in my group that had participated had a piece on the floor. I was the only one that didn’t have one out. At that point I just wanted to be somewhere else. Be someone else. As I slowly merged into the big crowd of people I could hear people asking about me, asking why none of my pieces were on the floor. I couldn’t handle it.

A little part of me was in disbelief. The crowd carried me past all the other division artwork, but I knew that my artwork was not among them. I skillfully dodged people from my school and did two full rounds, taking deep breaths, and thinking that breathing deeply released more endorphins or something. As to whether or not that was actually true I didn’t know. After a minute or so of breathing deeply I ducked into the bathroom, which was thankfully empty and started doing yoga. On the public bathroom floor.

I pulled myself together. I calmed my nerves and told myself that I did well. The judging was subjective. It was random. The opinions of two random people do not validate who I am as an artist.

I stepped outside and made my way out of the crowded hallway and to the tables where a few of my friends were standing by. They had all made fours, and were half jokingly telling me that they would kill my judges because they were idiots.

I tried not to be bitter, saying that it was what it was. Then more questions came from them. Why did this happen? How could your work not make a 4? Who were your judges?

And then the validations. Your work was better than most of the stuff out there! They’re crazy for not giving you a higher score. I don’t understand how that art made it and your’s didn’t.

And I tried to hold it together as the same exact things ran through my mind, but I cracked. My friend Rachel enveloped me into a hug, which turned into a big group hug from all of my friends as I clung to them, silently crying and apologizing to them because my sweater was covered in nasty public bathroom floor germs from when I did yoga trying to calm myself down.

And they just stood there with me and held me.

It's not pleasant to feel inadequate. The fact that my two judges didn’t think I was good enough to advance really stung.

I knew that the judging was bullshit going into the competition, but I brought my top game. I honestly did my best. It wasn’t good enough.

So it goes.

The rest of my day I kept to a close group of three friends who I knew would just let things go--- and I did my best to keep myself from crumpling up into a pitiful ball.

ANYWAYS. That was my day. While at the competition I made a puppy sweater from start to finish. And as soon as I got home I called up a friend who I had previously been upset with, but I needed someone to vent to, someone who would just listen and chill with me. I was nice to have someone just silently be with me.

The puppy wouldn’t stay still enough for me to take a picture of her wearing the sweater :/

Wolfpack.

Today was... well, let's just say another defining moment in my life that will forever mold my perception of the world.

Let's start with the morning. I woke up with one mission: to look semi-decent and cute. According to my peers, I succeeded. Yesterday our art instructor told us that when we went on our trip we had to stay in a group with people, to which my friend Rachel responded, "I'M A LONE WOLF." Then it created a huge tangent about being a wolf pack, and then how much we all wished we could grow beards--- so we decided to do the next best thing, which was make backward braids that looked like beards.

Yup. This is why I don't have a date to prom. ANYWAYS, we made a group chant, and hand sign (which may or may not belong to a gang--- we have no idea). We would also periodically yell "Wolfpack!" and howl uncontrollably. In public.

Yes.

Anyways, the judges for the Symposium seemed pretty cool, but during their LONG lecture I accidentally fell asleep twice. I mean, it was so dark, and the auditorium was so warm, and I didn't go to sleep until midnight the night before---- can you blame me?

The judging was okay-ish. It was general art BS (emotional > technical, mixed media > single media or traditional paintings) A lot of stuff that I didn't think was that good won, and a lot of stuff that I thought was magnificent placed in the 6-10th place range.

My friend Leanna won 3rd place and got a $2500 scholarship to the college, and I was happy for her, but this other girl in our art group won, and to put it frankly: everyone thought it was a joke.

No one in my class particularly likes her because she's an attention whore (that we usually ignore) and she half asses all of her artwork. Not to mention she has a tendency to "borrow" stuff and never give it back, which sucks because most of us buy our own art supplies and can't afford for to her to virtually steal it.

But yeah. Like I said, I was very shocked when some portfolios weren't picked, but whateves. The judges wanted to see the experimentation with mixed media, and think that content emotion is better than technical skill, which sucks.

Ah well, the college only lets you use the money if you're going there full time. I didn't need the money.

My friend Ian drew satan on my hand. Brownie points if you can spot the irony.

All day I found myself singing Beatles songs under my breath. A sign? Perhaps.

Anyways, I am now going to leave you guys with one of my favorite videos.

All you need is...

This is my life. Just kidding, I actually have a life, unlike Jason. Just kidding. Jason has a life. That consists of Math/Science team and whatever else he likes to do when he talks to himself.

Bahaha I love my AP Environmental Science Facebook group!